


Look a Little Harder

by nutmeg101



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 51,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutmeg101/pseuds/nutmeg101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashlyn wants to start over and make a new life for herself so she goes to college on the other side of the country where she meets Ali. Little does she know of the life changing effect Ali will have on her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Loneliness. Betrayal. Sadness. Anger. These are just some of the emotions that Ashlyn feels. She feels lonely because she has no one to confide in; she feels betrayal because when she did find someone to confide in, they outed her to all of her peers; she feels sadness because she doesn’t know how to love herself anymore; and most of all, she feels anger because she doesn’t want to feel all these things, but yet she does. Ashlyn tries her hardest to not let it show, but it does. Every time someone ignores her, she gets a little smaller and when no one wants to sit with her, she just wants to scream, “someone look at me! I fucking exist!” Luckily she is never bullied but sometimes she wishes she were, at least that way someone would pay attention to her.

Only five more months until graduation and Ashlyn is already counting down the days until she can finally leave this hellhole and start over. She wants to go somewhere where no one knows her and where people are more accepting. So she applies for college on the other side of the country; California, a dreamland for surfers and other people like her. The Harris family is upset because they don’t want her to leave but they know how much she’s hurting on the inside.

The acceptance letter finally comes and she quietly jumps for joy in her bedroom letting a few tears roll down her face. Ashlyn can’t remember the last time she felt this excited. She hugs the envelope feeling all the weight lift off her shoulders and calls her cousin, the closest person she has to a friend besides her brother, and tells her the good news. She is beyond thrilled.

Ashlyn’s mother on the other hand, is an emotional wreck. Of course she wants her daughter to be happy; seeing her so devoid of any emotion breaks her, but at the same time, Ashlyn is her little baby and she’s not quite ready to set her free. She does her best to convince Ashlyn to stay stateside but deep down, she knows that holding her back won’t help her grow. The hurt and heartbreak in her mother’s eyes makes Ashlyn’s chest ache but she knows she will come around, she always does. The love that the two of them share is one of the strongest out there; no amount of distance could ever break it and Ashlyn knows she will support her no matter what. It reminds her of that time when she left for overnight soccer camp. Her mother cried when saying goodbye and when Ashlyn sent her letters saying how much she missed her, she sent her a care package of all her favourite things.

Ashlyn’s brother says that he won’t miss her but she knows that is a lie. Chris is large and manly looking. He’s six foot three and pure muscle but has one of the most sensitive souls that Ashlyn knows. He was her rock growing up and always protected her. He always made sure she was happy before he was whether that was giving her the last popsicle or letting her watch whatever she wanted on TV. When Ashlyn was six and fell off her bike and scraped her knee, he was the one who came running and carried her all the way home. She always felt safe around him and she still does. She will miss him the most.

There is still one more month left until graduation and it’s a bittersweet feeling. It’s exciting because Ashlyn can’t wait to leave this small town and the small-minded people; no more being out casted for being gay and no more feeling like she’s trapped in a jail cell with no way out. At the same time, she wishes that she had friends that would miss her. A farewell party is something she had been dreaming of but sadly, no one cares or even knows that she is leaving, except for her teachers.

Late at night when she’s in her room, when it’s dark and no one can see or hear her, Ashlyn cries. The comforter on her bed acts as a shield from the outside world and she weeps into it holding back screams at the same time. She thinks to herself, _what have I done to deserve this?_ She can’t understand why people are so quick to judge; it’s not like she’s ever done anything to wrong them. She hates the person she sees when she looks into the mirror, and more than anything, she hates who she is. She’s thankful that her family loves and accepts her but that’s not always enough. The tears, the anger, the frustration, its all too tiring, and more often than not, she cries herself to sleep. Graduation can’t come soon enough.

Ashlyn’s parents insist on taking a road trip across the country to help her move in. It’s a long few days but she savors every moment, knowing this will be the last time she sees them for several months. The thought of being alone scares her but anything is better being stuck in small town Florida where everyone is so homophobic and judgmental. The Harris’ try their hardest to put on a strong face but Ashlyn knows they’re struggling. Chris still pretends not to care and she finds it endearing.

They help her unpack boxes and settle in. She requested for a single room because she wasn’t sure she was ready for a roommate. That night, Ashlyn’s parents take her out for dinner one last time. They celebrate the beginning of a new era and hopefully a newer, happier Ashlyn.

A giant pit forms in the bottom of Ashlyn’s stomach when it’s time for her family to leave the next day. She knows this is what she wants but she didn’t know that it was going to be this hard to say goodbye. Her mother says goodbye first. There are tears in her eyes before she even speaks. When she does speak, it’s all an incoherent mumble mixed in with sobs and sniffles. She manages to squeak out that she is only a plane ride away and that she can come home whenever she wants. Ashlyn wants to cry but doesn’t; she needs to stay strong. This _is_ what she wants, after all. Next is her father’s turn. His face is unreadable; no tears, no frown, no smile. He’s trying to keep it together for Ashlyn’s sake. He engulfs his only daughter in his arms and lifts her off the ground.

“You’ll always be my little girl. I love you,” he says quietly. She can hear the tremble in his voice as he puts her back down.

“I love you too, daddy,” she whispers.

He kisses her forehead before quickly turning around hiding his tears, and walks out of the dorm room. Ashlyn’s eyes are still dry when her mother gives her one last hug and runs off to join her father. All that’s left is Chris. He’s standing in front of the window looking out; he is more upset than he is letting on. When he looks at her, Ashlyn can’t hold back anymore. Tears spring from her eyes and loud sobs escape her; she wraps her arms around him and shoves her face into his chest. The last time she cried into him like this was in her sophomore year of high school when she came out to him. He held her all night until she fell asleep and to this day, she is eternally grateful that he never told their parents and let her come out to them on her own.

He squeezes her tightly and when she looks up, his eyes are glossy and red.

“These are tears of joy. Good riddance, you pest,” he says with a half smile; it feels like his best friend is being taken from him.

Ashlyn is thankful that he still has a sense of humor. She stands there quietly in his embrace, catching her breath, remembering all things they did together as kids.

“I love you _so much_ ,” she says trying to fight back more tears. The lump in her throat is getting bigger and making it harder to speak. “I don’t know how I would have gotten through high school without you. Thanks…for everything.”

This is it; Ashlyn has never seen her brother cry before. A single tear escapes each eye and he doesn’t even try to hide it. It’s as if someone is literally prying their hands into Ashlyn’s chest and ripping out her heart. This is a new side of Chris she’s never seen before.

“I love you too, Ash. I will always have your back.” Chris places his hands on either side of her face looks her straight in the eyes. “If you ever need to beat someone up, you know who to call.” She laughs because she knows it’s true, that’s the kind of brother he is.

With that, he turns around and walks out. When the door clicks shut, Ashlyn starts to cry again. She climbs into her bed and cocoons herself in the comforter just like she would at home, except this time it doesn’t feel like home. She feels more alone now than she ever has and she wonders if she made the right choice moving all the way out here.

~~~~~~~~~

A sudden knock at the door startles Ashlyn. She unravels herself from the blankets and quickly fixes her hair in the mirror. Her eyes are slightly puffy and bloodshot from all the crying and she’s certainly in no mood to talk to anyone. She takes a deep breath and opens the door.

“Yes?” It’s ruder than she meant it to be so she quickly plasters on a fake smile to make up for it but when she realizes how pretty the girl in front of her is, the smile becomes genuine. 

“Um, hi, is this a bad time? I can come back…” the girl on the other side of the door takes a small step backwards.

“No, no, sorry. It’s just been a long day.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. I’m Alexandra, but you can call me Ali,” she smiles and extends her hand for Ashlyn to shake, which she does. “I live down the hall and around the corner, I just wanted to introduce myself.” In the brief moment that their hands make contact, Ashlyn quickly, but casually studies Ali. She has beautiful long brown hair and eyes to match. What really catches her attention is her smile; it’s big and bright and Ashlyn can almost hear birds chirping and see rays of light shine down on her, like some sort of Greek goddess.

“I’m Ashlyn. I live…um…here.” They both awkwardly laugh and Ashlyn clears her throat. She isn’t used to people coming up to her and being so forward so she just stands there, mesmerized by Ali’s beauty, not knowing what to say.

“Cool, well I’m going to continue unpacking but maybe I’ll see you later or something.” Ali twirls her hair in her fingers and nervously looks away.

“Yeah, maybe.” Ashlyn smiles again but it doesn’t go unnoticed by Ali either; her face gets a little warmer when she notices the dimple form in Ashlyn’s left cheek.

“Okay, um, bye,” Ali mumbles as she quickly scurries away before things get more awkward. Ashlyn closes the door softly bangs her head against it. _Real smooth, Harris._

Although she doesn’t leave her room for the rest of the afternoon, she makes herself be productive. Ashlyn always has to keep herself busy and she knows that the more she mopes around, the harder it will be for her to move on. She arranges pictures on the wall, and organizes her desk and dresser. To keep her thoughts from driving her crazy, she turns on some music. Mumford and Sons begins to play but it’s too depressing so she quickly changes it to something more upbeat, like Katy Perry. As _I Kissed a Girl_ comes on, Ashlyn is taken back to soccer camp when she was thirteen.

Soccer camp was the only place she had friends but everyone lived so far away it was hard to keep in contact. She remembers when her friend Kaley got injured and she helped her limp off the field. Kaley was so grateful for Ashlyn that she wrapped her arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. It was just a quick peck but Ashlyn felt her body go all warm and tingly. She played it off coolly but couldn’t stop thinking about it. A couple nights later, the two of them were hanging out alone on the bleachers where they practiced when out of the blue Kaley asked Ashlyn if she’d ever kissed anyone on the lips before.

"No," Ashlyn blushed, "have you?"

“Nope.” There was silence for a moment before Kaley spoke again. “Do you…want to try?”

Ashlyn sat there, her heart hammering in her chest, unsure of what to do or say. Before she could answer, Kaley’s lips were on hers and Ashlyn’s mind went completely blank, her body unable to move. Their lips lingered for a couple of seconds and then Kaley pulled back.

“Well that wasn’t as exciting as I thought,” Kaley said unaffected. Ashlyn on the other hand was still motionless and she could feel her lips and face burning. “Ash?”

“Oh, yeah, um, that was totally lame,” she lied, but the truth was, it was exhilarating and she definitely wanted more. And just like that, Kaley had stolen her first kiss. That night, Ashlyn couldn’t sleep. There was too much adrenaline pumping through her veins and for the first time, she acknowledged that she might be gay.

\--

It’s a bittersweet memory. Even at thirteen, Ashlyn knew what a huge milestone that was for her but the emotional scars that high school burdened her with never really leave. She knows it will take time for them to heal so for now she’ll either have to deal with them or push them away; out of sight, out of mind.

 _Brown Eyed Girl_ starts to play and it’s one of Ashlyn’s favourite songs so she can’t help but start singing and dancing, well, more like awkwardly flailing her arms and jumping around. She’s so caught up in the song she doesn’t realize she’s thinking of one person.

It’s Ali.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlyn wants to start over and make a new life for herself so she goes to college on the other side of the country where she meets Ali. Little does she know of the life changing effect Ali will have on her.

A fresh start is what Ashlyn wants. Ultimately, she just wants people to accept her for who she is and not have to hide anything, or feel ashamed of anything. She and Ali bonded quickly in the first week, but she can’t bring her self to open up completely.

Maybe it’s the fact that Ashlyn has never really had any close friends, or maybe it’s because the last time she tried to open up, she got burned. Badly.

Things are different with Ali though. There’s a certain warmness to Ali’s presence that keeps Ashlyn calm; something about the way she looks at her; the way that her eyes have this gentle glow tells Ashlyn that maybe, just maybe, Ali will be the one she can tell all her secrets too.

They may have only just met, but Ali makes her feel _safe_. Something she’s never felt before.

Until then, Ashlyn has to figure out a way to figure her self out.

\--

The sun shines directly into Ali’s eyes as she awakes. She silently curses as the bright light blinds her and makes a mental note to invest in some real curtains. The clock reads 7:37 am, which is far too early for her liking but she can’t fall back asleep. She sits up on the edge of her bed while contemplating what to do.

Being away from home isn’t easy for her. She misses her parents and brother like crazy, but her saving grace is that her cousin, Jeff, lives in off-campus housing just a short walking distance away. They’re not super close or anything, but close enough that Ali feels like a part of home is nearby.

Ali’s reasons for coming to California are much different than Ashlyn’s. She’s not looking to start over; she’s looking for new experiences. She’s not worried about not fitting in, nor is she worried about what people think of her. Really, all she wants is to have a good time and meet new people.

Several minutes pass before she decides to text Ashlyn.

ALI: _What time is your first class? Mine’s not until 11. Breakfast?_

ASHLYN _: 10. Meet you downstairs at 8._

The response is almost immediate. Ashlyn has been up for a while, nervously staring at the ceiling in anticipation of the first official day of classes. Large crowds have never been her favourite.

Getting through the first week was a lot easier than Ashlyn expected and she’s more than thankful for that. Had it not been for Ali’s in-your-face and chipper personality, she would still be sulking in her room. The day after their awkward introduction, Ali practically forced Ashlyn out of her room, much to her dismay.

_Ashlyn opens the door just as Ali walks by. She’s on her way to the showers but Ali stops her._

_“Oh, hey Ashlyn!”_

_Ashlyn almost shuts the door in the Ali’s face. She’s still in her pajamas and her hair is a mess and she doesn’t want anyone to see her._

_“H-hey…Ali, right?” She cowers behind the door and Ali laughs._

_“Yep! And what? Are you afraid I’m going to see you in your PJs? Because you better get used to it, we’re basically living together for the next year.”_

_“I…um…”_

_“Come on, I’m just kidding. What are your plans for today?”_

_Ashlyn wiggles out from behind the door relieved that she’s wearing her good boxers, and not her ratty old ones. She’s determined to have an actual conversation today so tries her best to string together an entire sentence._

_“Well, I was going to have a shower and then, I don’t know, I don’t know anyone so I was maybe going to take a walk around campus or something.”_

_“Oh cool. Uh, mind if I join?” It’s forward, but Ali takes a chance and a quick second to assess the situation and gauge Ashlyn’s reaction before pressing on. Reading people and body language is something she has always been acute to. Already she’s picked up on how shy Ashlyn is, but even a blind person could do that. “I mean, if that’s okay with you. It’s not like there’s anyone else around to hang out with.” She motions at the deserted hallway surrounding them._

_“Sure, I guess that’s cool. Should I come to your room in like half an hour or something?”_

_“How about we meet in the lobby?"_ _  
_

_“Yeah, okay. I’ll be down in 30 minutes then."_

_Ashlyn breathes a sigh of relief as she steps into the shower. She only wishes she had a quarter of the confidence Ali has, but perhaps things are starting to look up. She just needs to find a way to stop being so awkward because Ali probably thinks she’s some sort of bumbling idiot with no social skills. Although her instincts wouldn’t be very far off if she did._

_She showers and changes at the speed of light, not wanting to miss out on the perfect opportunity to finally make a friend._

_\--_

Ashlyn nibbles on a blueberry muffin while Ali practically inhales a bagel. She’s too anxious to eat. In the short time they’ve known each other, Ashlyn has started to loosen up and feel comfortable. Now that classes are starting, she’s forced to be alone all over again and it makes her sick to her stomach. Sure, they have made other friends but something just clicked between the two of them and they have been inseparable since.

Ali finishes off the last of her bagel. “So smarty pants, what’s your first class today?”

“Intro to Psychology, yours?”

“English Literature. Are you nervous?”

“Yeah, I’m shaking in my boots.” The sarcasm in Ashlyn voice isn’t convincing enough to mask the panic in her eyes. Ali notices and tries to diffuse situation.

“You’ll be fine. Just be confident. Psych is a big class so you probably won’t even have to do any talking. Just find a seat and maybe smile at the person next to you or something…but don’t be creepy.”

“Ha, thanks for that. But really, I’m fine.” She forces out a laugh through her clenched jaw. If Ashlyn says she’s fine, then she’s fine. Ali doesn’t press on.

“Okay. Good. Should we go? I’ll walk you to class, I’m headed that way anyways.”

\--

“Remember, just smile and don’t be creepy.”

“I’ll try my best. See you tonight, I guess?" 

“Mhm, I’ll text you later.”

\--

“Jeff, it’s Ali! How are you?” Ali yells into her phone over a loud mob of students at the student centre.

“Al! I’m great, what are you up to?”

“I don’t have class for another hour, do you want to meet me for a coffee?”

“Sure, I can meet you at the Starbucks in the North Quarter in ten minutes.”

“Sweet, I’m literally right across the street from it, I’ll save you a seat!”

Almost exactly ten minutes later, Jeff walks in. He’s tall and has broad shoulders, that of a football player. His hair is short but wavy and the way the sunlight reflects off his head brings out the copper tone. The stubble on his face makes him look almost 30 years old, but he’s only 22. He greets Ali with a monstrous bear hug.

“Ali! I haven’t seen you in like, what, three or four months? How _are_ you?”

“I know, it’s been forever!” She says and she ruffles his hair. “I see you’ve grown out your buzz cut. I like this better though.”

She hands him the coffee she bought for him and they sit down.

“Haha, yeah, thanks, so do I. So how are things? How do you like campus? Is it everything you’ve dreamed of and more? I remember your mom saying how excited you were.”

Excited was an understatement. Ali had kept a countdown almost six months before leaving and would cross off the days as they passed. It was no secret that she was just itching to leave. She may have had a nice life in Virginia but it was time for a change.

“It’s great, the campus is beautiful and I’ve met some really cool people. How are things with you? How’s your girlfriend?” Ali watches as Jeff shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Me and Katie actually broke up a few weeks ago. It just wasn’t working out.”

“Oh, shit, sorry to hear that. You okay?”

“It’s fine, really, she was kind of a bitch anyways,” he laughs. “How’s _your_ boyfriend?”

Ali shoots him a look as if he should already know the answer to the question. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” she says pointedly, but her cheeks starting to turn red.

Jeff cocks his head to side and smirks. “Is that the infamous Ali Krieger blush I see?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It’s less than convincing.

“Oh come on. I know we’re not the best of friends but you’re sort of the worst at hiding things. Who is he?”

Ali sighs and looks down, but she’s giggling at the same time. “Well for starters, he is a she.”

“ _What?_ I thought that was just a phase!”

She smacks Jeff hard in the arm. After how hard it was for her to come out and how long it took for her to be accepted by her family, the comment stings and the words prickle in her ears. “Hey!”

“Don’t _hey_ me. It wasn’t a phase and you know that. God, just when I thought you had grown up.”

“Okay, okay, geez, I’m sorry. It’s just…I’d always pictured you with a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.”

Ali narrows her eyes at Jeff, ticked off at how ignorant he can be sometimes. “First of all, things aren’t always what they seem. And second of all, she’s not my girlfriend. Not even close. I’m just…super attracted to her, that’s all.”

“Alright, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s fine, whatever. Sorry for hitting you.”

Ali runs her hands up and down her coffee cup. She stares out the window and watches as the people stroll by while trying to calm her nerves back down.

“So tell me about her then.” Jeff looks at her with sincerity in his eyes. He really does feel bad for making those comments.

A faint smile spreads across Ali’s lips. “Well, honestly, I don’t really know much about her. She’s really shy but we seem to get along pretty well.” She shrugs.

“Is she hot?”

“Jeff! Don’t make me hit you again." 

“I’m just asking! Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

They both laugh. It’s just how Jeff is so Ali doesn’t dwell on it.

“Well, to answer your question, duh she’s hot…and beautiful, and pretty…” She has to bite her lip to prevent her smile from getting too wide.

“Easy there tiger, keep your pants on.” Ali kicks him under the table. “But this isn’t going to be like your last crush, is it? Does she even know you exist or are you going to pine over her from a distance and then become insufferable when you find out she has a boyfriend?”

“Oh my god, I was _sixteen_. And of course she knows I exist, we’re actually friends.”

“That’s a start, but is she even gay?”

Ali shoulders slump a little bit and her smile fades. “I…I don’t know. With my luck, probably not.” All of her past crushes have turned out to be straight so she tries to down play this as much as possible. And it’s not like there’s even anything going on between them. They know nothing of each other’s personal lives so they are in fact much like strangers.

“Well I’m throwing a party on Friday. You should come and bring your friends, including your lady friend. What’s her name anyways?" 

“Ew, don’t call her that. And her name is Ashlyn.”

\--

**chris_the_king:** heeeey u pesky brat!  
 **ashSmash:** hello to u too big brother  
 **chris_the_king:** what’s up i miss you. i tried calling u a few days ago but u never answered  
 **ashSmash:** you did? that’s weird my phone never said i had a missed call. sorry!  
 **chris_the_king:** no worries. so what’s new? how was class today?  
 **ashSmash:** everything is new and class today was pretty boring. my psych prof is like 100 years old talks so monotone. he makes me want to sleep!  
 **chris_the_king:** oh, well that’s unfortunate. it’s only monday though so hopefully the rest of your classes aren’t so boring  
 **ashSmash:** yeah i hope so. how are mom and dad?  
 **chris_the_king:** mom misses you like crazy. i think she said she’s getting a cat to replace you  
 **ashSmash:** wow rude but that doesn’t surprise me. and dad?  
 **chris_the_king:** umm dad is dad. he’s finally fixing the deck stairs…a family of possums almost attacked him on the first day  
 **ashSmash:** hah!  
 **chris_the_king:** yep typical dad for you….so make any friends yet?  
 **ashSmash:** yeah!!  
 **chris_the_king:** sweet what are they like?  
 **ashSmash:** so far they seem alright. there’s alex and kelley who are roommates and live across the hall from me  
 **ashSmash:** kelley’s cool. she’s quiet but really nice and she has like a million freckles  
 **chris_the_king:** haha cool  
 **ashSmash:** and alex is…well…she’s nice but a little bit too obsessed with her self…very diva like  
 **chris_the_king:** watch out for people like that  
 **ashSmash** : yeah yeah. and then there’s ali…  
 **chris_the_king:** uh oh…that doesn’t sound good…  
 **ashSmash:** no no, it is…i think. she’s different  
 **chris_the_king:** …  
 **ashSmash:** its hard to explain. i feel different around her…like not scared and just like im normal?  
 **chris_the_king:** aww does wittle ashlyn have a crush? and you ARE normal  
 **ashSmash:** no!  
 **ashSmash:** well maybe  
 **ashSmash:** but i barely even know her. so no. she’s suuuuper pretty though  
 **chris_the_king:** not yet. haha  
 **ashSmash:** shut up. plus i’m pretty sure she’s straight  
 **chris_the_king:** does she know about your preference for the ladies?  
 **ashSmash:** why cant you just say gay? and no its way too soon to bring it up. what if she starts acting all weird. what if she’s a crazy homophobe. what is she’s like…oh god i dunno…just crazy in general  
 **chris_the_king:** woahhh don’t get too ahead of yourself now. you wont know until you try right?  
 **ashSmash:** ugh i guess. i’ll see where the friendship goes or whatever  
 **chris_the_king:** you do that. anyways i gotta go ash, i have the overnight shift today  
 **ashSmash** : aw ok. miss you chris. tell mom and dad i miss and love them, k?  
 **chris_the_king:** will do, but maybe you should try calling. mom waits by the phone all day, you terrible child, you  
 **ashSmash:** hey! i’m busy having a social life for once. but ok, i’ll call this weekend. love u!  
 **chris_the_king:** love u too ash

Ashlyn closes her computer and flops back onto her bed, her head nearly grazing the wall. It’s the first time she’s really “spoken” to any of her family since she last saw them when they moved her in. A part of her feels guilty for not keeping in better contact, but what she said is true. This is the first time she’s really had a social life, ever, and she wants to revel in it. She essentially went through high school alone and there’s no way she’s going to let that happen again in college.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket.

ALI: _Want to have dinner at the bar with me, Kel and Alex?_

She doesn’t respond right away, but rather continues to lie there, counting all her blessings that her first week went as well as it did. There’s still so much she needs to work through and grow from, but for now, she doesn’t have much to complain about. Still though, there’s always a quiet nagging in the back of her head reminding her of how “different” she is from everyone else. And to Ashlyn, different means weird and it makes her feel like she’ll never be good enough for anyone. 

Even herself.

ASHLYN: _Yeah! I’ll be right out!_

As she walks by her mirror, she stops and looks at herself, like she always does. And it’s not to fix her hair, or check her self out. She stands there and stares into her own eyes willing herself to love herself just a little bit more.

 

  


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol has a great way of getting people to open up.

It’s Ashlyn’s first time being drunk. Sure she’s had alcohol before, but never enough to make walking in a straight line seem like a challenge and all the buttons on her phone look like a blurry mess.

When she’s invited to Jeff’s party, she can’t say no; especially because Kelley and Alex pestered her into it. It’s not like she was going to say no anyways, but now she’s maybe regretting her decision to drink so much. She blames it on Kelley.

Kelley pours out seven shots for the seven people standing around the table; none of which Ashlyn knows. She looks around for Ali and Alex but neither are in sight. Her insides protest the intake of any more alcohol but her desire to fit in over powers her decision to say no so she unwillingly obliges, forcing down the tequila and quickly sucking on a lime.

…

From a distance, Ali coyly watches Ashlyn, noticing how flushed her face is becoming and how basic motor skills like trying to slip her phone back into her pocket are giving her grief. She smirks but then remembers she’s in the middle of a conversation that she’s not really listening to and quickly refocuses.

“What are you smiling at?” Jeff asks with a knowing look and sly tone.

“I’m not smiling at anything,” she replies as nonchalantly as possible. Alex is right next to her. She narrows her eyes at him, willing him to shut up. Alex is too absorbed in texting her boyfriend though, and the music is too loud anyways.

“Why don’t you go talk to her? She’s pretty drunk and drunk people like to talk a lot.”

“Why don’t you shut up?”

Alex finally looks up. “Sorry, boy problems. I have to pee though, I’ll be right back.” She quickly downs the rest of the beer and excuses herself leaving Ali in what shouldn’t be an uncomfortable situation, but is.

“So spill, what’s going on between you and blondie?”

“Nothing’s on going, we’re just friends. I still don’t know too much about her or if she’s even...you know.”

“Still? Why don’t you just ask her?” Jeff says it like it’s the easiest and most obvious thing in the world to do and all that does is irritate Ali.

“You can’t just ask someone something like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s rude? _‘Hey Ashlyn, are you gay?’_ You don’t think you’d be at least a little bit offended?” 

“It’s not like being gay is offensive.” 

“Still. Not that simple.”

Jeff contemplates for a moment, swirling his drink around in his cup. He watches Ashlyn as she talks to Kelley, and all of a sudden, his eyes light up with an idea and Ali knows in her gut that whatever it is, it’s not a good idea.

“She’s single, right?” 

“Right…why?” He doesn’t answer. He smiles and gets up and walks over to Ashlyn, leaving Ali to panic and hope that he doesn’t do or say something that’ll offend or embarrass her, or worse, ruin their friendship. “Jeff! Where are you going?”

… 

Jeff casually approaches Ashlyn and he can feel Ali following closely behind but makes no notice of it.

“Hey Ashlyn. I have a question for you and I don’t really know how to ask it, so I’m just going to say it.” Ali’s horror rises and her heart is thumping in her ears; the buzz she just had is now completely gone. She braces herself for the worst, clutching her beer bottle so tight it may shatter.

Ashlyn drunkenly looks up and smiles and when she notices Ali standing just behind him, her smile widens and for a quick second, Ali’s stomach does a tiny flip flop but she doesn’t know if it’s out of excitement or nervousness.

“Hey, okay, go for it.”

“Are you…um…are you busy next week? Do you want to, like, go out with me or something?”

“Huh?” Ashlyn definitely heard him right but she’s not sure she wants to believe it. “I…we just met like, two hours ago.”

“I know. But isn’t that the point of a date? To get to know each other better?” 

“I guess so…”

Ali’s lingering somewhere behind Jeff and a sudden pang of jealousy hits her. She bites her cheeks and balls her hands into fists and tucks them into her pockets to prevent herself from smacking Jeff and screaming “what the fuck!” Instead, she quietly slips away trying to convince herself that she doesn’t care.

“You don’t have to give me an answer right this second. Here’s my number, “ he takes Ashlyn phone and puts his number in and gives it back. “Call or text me when you decide, okay?”

“O-okay.” This is the first time anyone has ever asked Ashlyn out and she doesn’t really know what to do. She can feel her face burning and when she looks around, everyone within earshot and staring, especially Kelley, who has a stupid grin plastered on her face, and Alex, who looks clueless because she missed the whole thing. She’s looking around for Ali, who was just behind Jeff a minute ago, but she’s gone now.

~*~

The bathroom is quiet and cool and Ashlyn closes the lid on the toilet and sits, burying her face into hands. She pinches herself to make sure that she isn’t imagining any of this.

She’s never questioned who she was but right here, right now, she’s more confused than ever and the one person she can talk to about this stuff isn’t here. Her brother is all the way on the other side of the country and it’s three in the morning there, so she can’t call him, and not over something as trivial as this. Except for Ashlyn, this isn’t as unimportant as it would be for others.

Her whole purpose in moving so far away for school was so she could start over and be the person she really is without being judged, but now, despite all the promises she’s made to herself, she’s about to turn her back on them. Should she go out with Jeff? It’s not like it has to be romantic, he even said himself they could just “get to know each other better.” Or should she turn him down and just own up to who she is, because she can’t live a lie forever. Or maybe she can just entertain her peers for a while and go on a few dates but she knows that she’ll never have feelings for Jeff or any other guy no matter how hard she tries or how drunk she is.

This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go; she was supposed to have fun and let loose with her friends and now she feels a weight on her shoulders again. Ashlyn plays along when Kelley and Alex high five and cheer her on but as hard as she tries, she can’t stop thinking about a certain long haired brunette, who is nowhere to be seen.

…

Jeff finds Ali sitting outside on the curb and he can already feel the tension radiating from her even though he can only see her back.

“Hey,” he says. Ali quickly stands up and spins around but rolls her eyes and groans when she sees whom it is.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“What?” he laughs and her eyes widen with anger.

“Don’t be an idiot, Jeffery. You know _what._ ”

“Come on, I was trying to help you.”

“Help me? By asking her on a date? Yeah, real fucking helpful.”

“Why are you getting so angry? You even said yourself that you were just friends.” Ali stays quiet and nervously looks away. She’s realizing now that maybe she likes Ashlyn more than she wants to or even knows. “Oh my god, you like her don’t you?”

“I never said that. And how exactly is asking her out going to benefit me?”

“Because. If she says yes, then she’s not gay, and if she says no, then maybe she is, maybe she still isn’t, but at least you’ll have something to talk about, right?”

Ali shakes her head out of frustration. “Listen, why is this so hard for you to understand? This isn’t that simple!”

“But it can be!” Jeff’s not the type of person to raise his voice in public, but its past midnight and there’s no one around. “You can’t just change or control someone’s sexuality, okay? And you of all people should know that. And you can’t get hung up on it if she’s not playing for the same team as you. I’m only trying to help you so you _don’t_ have to feel like this. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t get it so don’t call _me_ an idiot when maybe _you_ should grow some balls and talk to her yourself and figure out your own damn feelings.” He looks Ali dead in the eye as he gives his speech and it looks as if Ali might cry but he doesn’t care. He turns around and walks back into the house yelling over his shoulder, “I’m going back to my friends, you do whatever you want.” 

Ali phone buzzes multiple times with texts from Alex but she ignores the first few until she just wants her to shut up.

ALEX: Seriously, where are you? Did you pass out somewhere?   
ALI: I’m fine, just outside. I’ll be in soon.

She doesn’t want to go in just yet though. Ali knows that Jeff is right. It’s been two weeks and she still barely knows Ashlyn. It’s not for lack of trying though; it’s just that Ashlyn is like a closed book when it comes to her personal life. All of her pages have been glued shut and the harder that Ali tries to open it, the tighter the pages get until the words start to fade. Eventually, she puts the book back onto shelf. 

~*~

Back inside, Ali finds Ashlyn and Alex awkwardly standing in a corner. Kelley is missing and the two of them have sobered up enough to have coherent thoughts. Ashlyn is still thinking about what Jeff asked her and she thinks that Ali will be able to provide some sort of clarity but when she walks over, she starts to clam up.

“Ali, there you are!” Alex waves her over. “What happened to you, you just…disappeared.”

“Yeah, sorry, I got really warm and dizzy so I went outside for a while. Where’s Kel?”

“She met some guy just now and we think they’re hooking up somewhere,” Ashlyn laughs but it’s almost forced.

“That doesn’t surprise me. I think I’m ready to leave, you guys too?”

“Yeah,” both girls say at the same time. “I’ll text Kel, but I don’t think she’ll be coming home with us. Should I call a cab?” Alex adds.

Ali laughs. “Really? A cab? It’s a fifteen minute walk, you lazy bum.”

“But I’m tiiired.”

“You can take a cab, but I’m walking. I don’t know about you, but I’m on a student budget.”

“Whatever. Suit yourself. Ash what are you doing?”

“Sorry, I’m with Ali on this. I’m broke.”

“Alright then, I guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

~*~

The walk back is cool and windy and there’s unspoken tension between the two girls. They’re both still a little bit drunk but it’s awkwardly silent and Ashlyn isn’t sure if Ali actually knows that Jeff asked her out because she so quickly disappeared. Of course Ali does know but she’s nervous to bring it up. Finally, Ashlyn breaks the silence.

“So…you know that Jeff asked me out, right?”

“Yeah, I heard. What’d you say?”

“I haven’t given him an answer yet.”

“Oh. What’s holding you back?”

Ali’s trying to act as cool as possible, like she doesn’t really care but there’s something in her voice and body language that Ashlyn picks up on that tells her maybe she’s bothered by it.

“Well for starters, I don’t even know him, we talked for like ten minutes tonight, that’s it. And I…um…” Everything in Ashlyn’s body is telling her to say _I’m gay!_ But she can’t bring herself to do it, not now anyways. “Are you okay with this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Isn’t that how all great romances are started? Drunkenly meet at a party, go on a date, get married, have kids?” her attempt at making a joke to lighten the mood fails when it comes off more sarcastically and bitter than anything else. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

It’s out of character for Ashlyn, but she has the alcohol to blame tonight and before she can stop herself, she’s talking. “I’ve never been on a date before. Or even been asked out for that matter. I don’t even think anyone has been remotely interested in me.”

Ali’s head whips to the side so fast she thinks she gives herself whiplash. All this time she’s been trying to get Ashlyn to open and now she’s doing it all on her own. “That can’t be true. Look at you, you’re gorgeous!”

“I’m really not that attractive.” The words slip out so quickly and naturally it strikes at something inside of Ali.

“Don’t say that about yourself. You are really pretty.”

Ashlyn doesn’t respond; in all honesty, she doesn’t really know how. She could say thanks, but she doesn’t. They keep walking in silence until this time it’s Ali who breaks it.

“I know it’s almost two in the morning, but do you want to go check out that arboretum on campus? I don’t really feel like going to bed yet.”

~*~

It’s quiet in the arboretum; not a soul in sight. They walk until they find place to sit until a large willow tree. The wind has died down and the only thing to be heard is the sound of frogs croaking in the pond in front of them. The moon is big and bright and the reflection off of the pond illuminates everything around them. Ashlyn’s chest tightens because it reminds her of home. She starts to think about her family and has to quickly start thinking about something else because her eyes are getting moist and she doesn’t want to cry. She looks over at Ali to see if she’s noticed, but she’s already looking at her.

“You okay?” she asks.

Ashlyn nervously clears her throat and looks ahead, feeling like an idiot. “Yeah, fine. Just…this reminds me a lot of home. I miss – “ she stops talking and picks at the skin around her fingernails.

“No, tell me. I want to know.”

“You want to know what?”

“What do you miss?”

Ashlyn let’s out a shaky breath. “I miss my family. My mom, my dad, especially my brother. This pond reminds me of the lake our house backs onto and it brings back a lot of memories of when me and Chris were kids.”

Ali watches the way Ashlyn’s jaw clenches and she can practically see the pulse beating in her temple. The way Ashlyn is vigorously avoiding eye contact tells Ali she’s uncomfortable but she’s two for two on opening up tonight so Ali sees how far she can push it. “What’s your brother like?”

There’s no hesitation to Ashlyn’s response. “He was my rock growing up and still is. Always there for me no matter what. He’s the reason I am who I am today and if not for him, I don’t know who I’d be.”

“Sounds like you owe a lot to him.” 

“You could say that.”

“So what are you going to do about Jeff?”

Neither of them are really drunk anymore and the reality of Ashlyn’s situation makes her wish she’d never gone to the party and Ali wish that she’d never told Jeff anything. The more sober Ali becomes, the more she realizes that she’s developing feelings for Ashlyn despite how little she stills know of her. Ashlyn knows deep down she’s not going on a date with Jeff, but she still wants Ali’s input.

“I don’t know. I still don’t even get why he asked me out anyways. Maybe he was just that drunk.”

“He wasn’t that drunk. And like I said, whether you believe it or not, you’re a pretty girl, so why wouldn’t he ask you out?” Ali has to force the next words out of her mouth because as badly as she wants to say _don’t go_ , she doesn’t. “He’s a good guy so just do whatever you feel like doing.”

Now that Ashlyn can actually think clearly, she’s getting upset. She’s upset because she’s realizing that she really likes Ali and Ali is saying all the things she doesn’t want to hear and essentially pushing her away, to Jeff, because she’s not interested like that.

Ashlyn simply mutters out a “yeah.”

It’s late now, or super early – 3:15 am. They’re both tired and dehydrated from the amount of alcohol they drank tonight but just as they’re about to get and leave, Ali grabs Ashlyn’s arm.

“Wait.” Ali’s been working up the courage all night to say something since Jeff called her out outside of his party. Since they’ve finally made some significant strides in getting to know each other, she figures now is just as good a time as any. “I want to tell you something, and I don’t want you to get weirded out or have it change anything between us.” Ali’s heart is beating faster than it ever has, even faster than the first she said these words. “It’s just something I really need you to know.”

“Okay…”

“I’m gay.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...she has the faintest of the freckles; so faint you’d have to be inches away to really notice them.

“You’re gay?”

It’s not much of a reaction but it’s the only thing Ashlyn can think of to say. She’s so caught off guard that she’s not sure if Ali is joking or not. For a second, she panics, thinking that maybe Ali knew this whole time that _she_ was gay and is just mocking her now.

Ali’s hand is still loosely wrapped around Ashlyn’s arm and when she looks down, she quickly removes it, tucking it into her lap. She’s mentally kicking herself for saying it so spontaneously, but if not now, then when? In a month, two months, six months, when they’re in some comfortable friendship and then all of a sudden, things are just _different?_

“Isn’t that what I just said?”

“I – are you really?”

“Why would I lie about something like that?”

Ashlyn picks at the grass in front of her, pulling out blades and ripping them in half. Memories of the time she came out in high school rush back to haunt her. It was a traumatic experience, thinking she’d found someone she could actually trust but in the span of a few a days, that someone completely turned on her and outed her to all her peers. She essentially hid her self back in the closest, vowing to only come out again when she felt like she could really trust someone again.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m just – I wasn’t expecting that." 

“So…are you okay with that, or…” Ali’s heart thumps in her chest as she studies Ashlyn’s face for any clues that may give away what she’s really thinking. Unlike Ashlyn, she has fully accepted who she is and isn’t afraid to be herself, although it wasn’t an easy road getting there. It’s scary sometimes though, coming out to new people because Ali has dealt with her fair share of judgment and even severed friendships. But these are the kinds of things that make her stronger and help her define who she is. 

“Of course I’m okay with that. It doesn’t change a thing, Ali.” 

But it does. 

It changes everything because this is the first time Ashlyn’s met someone just like her and now she doesn’t know what to do or say. Actually, she wants to say “me too, me too!” but she doesn’t. There’s still a part of her that’s holding her back but it’s not the same fear of rejection that it might have been a few months ago, it’s the fear of coming face to face with who she really is. She’s still not sure that she can fully embrace it, even though she knows it. And more than anything, it makes her mad.

Mad that she just can’t say it; mad that she’s still scared; and mad that it’s still so hard for her.

Ali visibly and audibly relaxes. “Okay, good. I just needed you to know. Since we’re friends and all.”

All Ashlyn can really do is smile. She’s physically and emotionally drained and she can feel an imminent hangover. A silence falls over them but it’s not awkward nor is it comfortable. When the croaking frogs and the chirping crickets subside, Ashlyn jumps to her feet extending a hand out to Ali to help her up.

“Should we go? I’m ready to pass out.”

“Yeah, me too, let’s go.”

~*~

Ali likes Ashlyn. A lot.

She’s not exactly sure of the precise moment it all became totally clear – maybe it was when Jeff asked her out and it felt like she was being punched in the chest, or maybe it was the first time they made eye contact, and Ali couldn’t look away.

The hardest part is not knowing how Ashlyn feels. When she doesn’t reply to Ali’s text right away like she usually does, she freaks out and jumps to the conclusion that Ashlyn is avoiding her now. It’s not like it’s the first time she’s had to come out to someone, in fact, she’s done it tons of times, but this time it feels different.

It’s different because she actually cares about what Ashlyn thinks of her, unlike in previous situations where she only came out to make a point and stand her ground. This time it’s because she wants Ashlyn to _know_ her. And it’s selfish, Ali knows that, but in return, she’s expecting Ashlyn to share more of her past because every time they take one step forward, something happens and they take another two back.

When Ali’s phone finally buzzes with Ashlyn’s name on the screen, she breathes a sigh of relief. 

ASHLYN: Is this what all hangovers feel like? If so, I never want to drink again.  
ALI: Haha unfortunately yes. Glad you’re alive though.  
ASHLYN: Thanks. Busy? Come hangout in my room? I’m bored and bedridden.

~*~ 

Ashlyn patiently awaits a response from Ali. She lies in her bed replaying the events of last night and the words “I’m gay” still ring in her ears – that whole conversation still repeats it’s self over and over and she hates herself for not having the courage to say more. Now she’s left with this perpetual feeling of anxiety and _‘I’m an idiot’_ in the pit of her stomach. In spite of that, she can't help the giddy feeling and smile that keeps tugging at her lips when she thinks about that moment, and just Ali in general.

She’s only felt like this once before and it was short lived and bitter. Even though Kaley kissed her at soccer camp, Ashlyn knew it meant nothing but she couldn’t help but feel an emotional and physical attraction to her afterwards. It broke her heart when she found out about Kaley’s first boyfriend.

When the door violently swings open, Ashlyn nearly has a heart attack. Ali walks in and the smell of her shampoo from her still wet hair instantly fills the room, but Ashlyn’s heart is beating too loudly in her ears for her to take notice right away. She throws Ashlyn a bottle of Gatorade and a pack of gummy bears, which she narrowly misses.

“Jesus, Al, haven’t you heard of knocking…or opening doors slowly?”

She laughs and shrugs, taking a seat at the foot of Ashlyn’s bed. “I’m in here often enough and figured I’d save you the trouble of getting out of bed.”

Ashlyn leans back against the headboard and wiggles to the side, leaving enough room for Ali. She doesn’t physically or verbally motion her over – she’s too shy to do something like that – but she quietly hopes Ali takes the hint and moves closer.

She doesn’t. Not right away, anyways. And it’s not that she doesn’t want to, but she knows that Ashlyn must be feeling at least a little bit awkward from last night and she’s not about to take the risk and scare her away. It’s inviting though, the crinkle of the sheets, the way Ashlyn’s hair is tousled on one side, and the way the V-neck of her white t-shirt droops to one side, exposing her collarbone.

“Thanks for the Gatorade,” Ashlyn twists off the cap and peels off the protective seal, crumpling it up and effortlessly throwing it into the trashcan across the room. “But I didn’t realize gummy bears were a hangover remedy.” 

“They’re not. But I like gummy bears and thought we could share them.”

“Ah, yes, the breakfast of champions.”

Ali gasps like it’s the most absurd things she’s ever heard. “It’s 2 pm! You haven’t eaten yet?”

“Nope. I’ve been in bed all day trying to make this headache go away.”

“Aren’t you hungry? Come, let’s go get food.” Ali stands but Ashlyn protests. She reflexively reaches out and grabs her hand, effectively but not purposely pulling her right next to her on the bed. In those few brief seconds that their hands touch, Ashlyn avoids eye contact and then quickly lets go.

“Noo,” she whines, trying to cover up any awkwardness. “I don’t want to get up, just stay here. I’m not even hungry.”

It doesn’t take much persuasion but Ali stays; not that she wants to leave anyways. “Fine. What do you want to do then?”

“Um,” Ashlyn looks around the room and then reaches for her laptop. “We could watch a movie? Or Grey’s Anatomy, I have that too. Or Law and Order, or, um, True Blood, or Modern-” 

“Grey’s is fine,” Ali cuts her off because she’s rambling and getting flustered, but it’s cute the way that Ashlyn gets disheveled when she’s nervous. And that’s when Ali realizes.

Ashlyn is nervous.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get lunch or anything?” Ali asks, feeling as if she needs to give Ashlyn some sort of out; she’s unclear of the reason though. The last time she was nervous around Ali was when they initially met and it’s been long enough that there shouldn’t be any more awkwardness. And if Ashlyn is as nervous as she looks, she’d eventually find a way to get Ali to leave.

“Yeah, I’m sure. So are we gonna watch or what?”

~*~

They’re halfway through an episode of Grey’s Anatomy but only one of them is paying attention to the show. Izzie is about to cut Denny’s LVAD wire and even though Ashlyn has watched this episode a dozen times, she still bites her nails in suspense, her eyes glued to the screen.

She hasn’t fully left reality though. She’s more than aware of how close Ali is sitting next to her; how their shoulders are just barely touching and every once in a while, their elbows bump. It only makes her focus harder on the show.

Ali, on the other hand, instead of paying attention to what’s happening on the screen in front of her, subtly watches Ashlyn; her head angled slightly as if she could be staring out the window. Her eyes trace her profile staring at her jaw line. They make their way down to her chin and up to her lips where they pause momentarily – she wonders if they feel as soft as they look. They continue to trail over her nose where she has the faintest of the freckles; so faint you’d have to be inches away to really notice them.

She continues upwards and watches the way her long eyelashes fall like curtains over her eyes and the way they become glossier at the scene unfolding in front of her. She’s unintentionally so close that Ashlyn can feel her breath on her neck and it sends the lightest of shivers down her back.

She looks at Ali. “What?”

“N-nothing?” Her head whips forward and her eyes quickly dart back to the screen.

“Are you bored? We can do something else.”

“No, no. I want to know what happens.”

~*~

By the time the episode comes to an end, Ashlyn is no longer paying attention either. She’s watching the screen but not listening. Her neck still tickles where she earlier felt Ali’s breath and suddenly what little space is between them is too much. The scent of Ali’s shampoo – she can’t really put a finger on what it is – is the only thing she can smell and it makes focusing on anything else impossible.

When Ashlyn looks over at Ali again, she’s staring in her direction, but this time she’s actually looking out the window. Their gazes meet and lock for just a beat longer than what feels comfortable and all the heat rushes to Ashlyn’s face while Ali awkwardly repositions her self.

The episode is over and Ashlyn closes her computer. “You know, if you were really that bored, you could have just said so.” 

“I wasn’t bored, I promise. I’m just a little bit distracted. Sorry.” Ashlyn raises an eyebrow, prompting her to go on, which is ironic because every time the situation is reversed and it’s Ali that wants Ashlyn to go on, she finds a way out of it and Ali feels like she’s been left hanging. “I have a lot of readings to do this week and I already have a paper due by Thursday.”

It’s a lie of course, and even Ashlyn can tell but she doesn’t question it any further for the fear that it might bring up something that she’s not ready to talk about yet. “Oh yeah, me too.” She changes the subject, something she’s become quite good at lately. “I wonder how Alex is feeling. Did Kelley ever make it back?”

“Yeah I saw Kelley this morning on her walk of shame,” Ali laughs, stretching her arms and back letting all the kinks and bubbles iron themselves out. “And I think Alex is fine, I don’t think she drank as much as we did.”

Ashlyn’s stomach grumbles and it cuts any tension that was previously in the room. “I think I’m hungry now,” she laughs. “Can we get food now?”

Ali nods and Ashlyn climbs over her out of bed and just for a split second they are face to face but both of them pretend to not notice. “Just give me a minute to change and brush my teeth.” She grabs some clothes and her toothbrush and runs off to the bathroom.

While Ashlyn is gone, Ali takes the time to gather her thoughts and process all her new feelings. There’s an unpleasant, nagging thought that hasn’t left her mind since last night and she wants it to go away.

Ashlyn returns and before she’s even really step foot back into her room, Ali speaks. “Hey, so are you going on that date with Jeff?”

She stops in her tracks. She hasn’t really thought about it since earlier in the morning and she’s kind of pushed it out of her mind. “Uh…” her voice wavers slightly, “maybe?” 

“Oh. Okay.” Ali tries to hide the jealousy and hurt in her voice and for the most part it goes undetected by Ashlyn but there’s something in the way that she looks at her that makes Ashlyn all of a sudden rethink her answer.

“Actually, no, I don’t think I’m going to go.”

“What? Why?”

Ashlyn is too oblivious to the fact that Ali likes her; but then again, Ali has done a good job of hiding so far. But it feels like Ashlyn has just been hit by a truck of clarity and she realizes that she likes Ali way more than she ever intended to. 

“I just…don’t want to.” 

And it’s right now, standing at opposite ends of the room, that the both of them are beginning to recognize that there may be something more than friendship between them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's the thing about girls. [...] They can drive you crazy. They really can."  
> \- J.D. Salinger

The library is one of Ali’s favourite places to be, especially the fourth floor. It’s quietest up there and the big glass windows give it the feel of a greenhouse – always warm and sunny. The tables next to the windows overlook the arboretum, which makes for great people watching when she feels like she can’t concentrate anymore. She stares off into the distance, her eyes drifting toward the tree that her and Ashlyn had sat under just about a week ago.

“Excuuuse me,” Ali is yanked from her thoughts when she’s hit in the face with a crumpled up piece of paper launched from the hands of Kelley O’Hara. “Earth to Ali,” she waves. Alex and Ashlyn both giggle as a look of confusion washes over her face. They’re immediately silenced by the glares from the students around them.

“Huh? What?” Ali blinks several times.

Kelley rolls her eyes but quietly laughs. “For the third time, do you have a pen I can borrow?”

“Oh, yeah, um…” she digs around in her bag and pulls one out. “Here.”

“Thanks.”

“You okay?” Alex cuts in. “You seem…distracted lately.”

Ali twirls a lock of her hair around her finger. Alex is right, she has been distracted but it’s nothing that she feels comfortable talking about openly so she makes up a lie. “I’m fine. I guess maybe I’m a little homesick, that’s all.” She looks at Ashlyn after she says it, but she’s not sure why; perhaps it’s because she knows that Ashlyn can sense it’s a lie.

“I think we all miss home a little bit,” Ashlyn quickly interjects, trying to take the heat off. And it works, briefly, until they catch each other’s gaze again and in those quickly passing seconds, they only see each other.

Alex doesn’t have that sort of depth to notice anything, but as hastily as that moment comes and goes, Kelley picks up on the tension, whether it’s good or bad, she’s not sure. She doesn’t say anything, though. She uncaps her pen and starts to do her work, ignoring whatever it was that she just witnessed.

~*~

Kelley has her iPod on and her face buried in her notes, alternating between writing long paragraphs and flipping through the pages of her human anatomy textbook. Alex on the other hand, is on her computer, occasionally smiling and laughing at whatever is on her screen – probably facebook or twitter. She’s got a textbook opened in front of her but it’s not fooling anyone. Both of them more or less zoned out from their surroundings. 

Ali puts down her pen and closes her notebook. This German class she decided to take is kicking her ass. She looks at Ashlyn, who also has her nose buried in a book, but it’s not a textbook, it’s a novel. She leans over and pokes her in the side of the arm. “What are you reading?” she whispers.

Ashlyn looks to her side and her stomach does the tiniest of flip-flops when she’s greeted with Ali’s eyes. “It’s actually not my first time reading this, but it’s _Catcher in the Rye._ Have you read it?”

Ali shakes her head. “I’ve been wanting to, but never really got around to it.”

“Do you want to borrow it? You can borrow it if you want, I’ve read it like thirty times.”

“Really? You sure?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it,” Ashlyn smiles and hands the book to Ali. It’s old and tattered. Some of the pages are ripped and most of the corners have been dog-eared; in a quick flip through of the book, Ali can see that some of the passages have been highlighted and there’s writing on some of the pages.

“Wow, you weren’t lying when you said you’ve read it thirty times. You sure this isn’t going to disintegrate in my hands?” she jokes.

“It’s old, I know. It used to belong to my granddad before, um…” Ashlyn scrambles to try and find the right words but comes up with nothing. “…it was my granddad’s,” she quickly finishes and looks away with a burning in her ears and a tightness in her chest. This time when she looks up, she is met by Kelley’s gaze, but she immediately looks away leaving Ashlyn to fidget uncomfortably.

“Hey,” Ali’s voice pulls Ashlyn back. She can usually tell when Ashlyn is uncomfortable or nervous, but this time, the vibe she gets is different - something is off. There’s a sadness to her eyes and she can hear it in her voice too. “Thanks. I’ll take good care of it.”

Ashlyn simply smiles and attempts to refocus her attention to her work. She has to bite the insides of her cheek to stop herself from crying. It’s a sensitive topic – her grandfather – and every time she tries to talk about it, she ends up in tears.

~*~ 

Ali runs her fingers up and down her beer glass, collecting the cold droplets of condensation before they reach the table. The bar is loud and crowded but that’s no surprise – it’s the only place on campus that serves minors so all the freshmen flock there like geese.

It’s warmer than usual and the coolness against Ali’s fingertips and palms is the only thing that keeps her sane and grounded when she watches the way Ashlyn slowly licks her lips after sipping her beer. _Stop. Don’t do this now._ She diverts her attention to Alex, who as usual, is talking about her boyfriend. She tries really hard to act interested in what she has to say, but hearing the same things over and over again day after day drives her to the point of wanting to yell at her to just shut up and talk about something else. 

She’s not alone in this sentiment. Kelley is idly scrolling at something on her phone, nodding every few seconds to feign interest while Ashlyn picks at her napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces and creating a small pile – child's play, really.

Ali involuntarily laughs and cuts off Alex when she notices. “What are you doing, Ash?”

“Um…I don’t know,” she laughs too, looking at the mess she’s created.

The monotonous drone of Alex talking about her boyfriend is on everyone’s last nerve so Kelley takes it upon herself to change the subject as quickly as she can. If she does it fast enough, Alex might not even notice. “So when are you going on that date with Jeff, Ash?” She winks and wiggles her eyebrows in a way that she thinks is seductive, but everyone just snickers because she looks like she’s having a seizure.

Ashlyn lets out a sarcastic laugh. “I’m not.” She switches to her water and takes a long gulp trying to stall time. She thought she was done talking about this but she couldn’t be more wrong. Her attempt to change the subject gets sidelined when Kelley keeps pressing on.

“Girl, are you crazy?” Her eyes are wide, like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard.

“Um, no? But apparently you think so.”

“I do! Why not? He’s so hot!” Even Alex nods in agreement, unfazed by the fact that she’s no longer talking about her boyfriend.

Ali cringes. “Ew, that is my cousin.”

“Whatever,” Kelley jokingly waves her off, “it’s not like _you_ have to date him. But seriously, Ash, go out with him! You’d made such a hot couple.”

Ashlyn exchanges a brief glance with Ali, who is sitting diagonally across from her. Her ears are on fire again and her hands are balled into nervous fists under the table where no one can see them. Ali know's she's uncomfortable by the tension that’s in her jaw and the way it makes her temples beat visibly. “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass. Why don’t _you_ ask him out if you think he’s so good looking.” It’s not really a question, but more of a statement.

Kelley raises her hands in defense. “No way, that’s breaking the girl code. And you can’t seriously be turning down a date with him?”

“The girl _what?_ And yes I am, what’s the big deal? I’m just not interested, okay? Can you drop it?”

“Jeez, okay, sorry. I just – “ she stops mid-sentence when she realizes Ashlyn has already brushed her off and isn’t looking at or paying attention to her anymore; she's looking at Ali with an almost pained expression on her face. Ali isn’t looking back though, she’s looking down and fiddling with the strap of her purse that’s on her lap – both of them oblivious to the fact that Kelley is watching them. Still, Kelley says nothing, opting to observe from a far instead.

~*~ 

Ashlyn settles on the edge of Ali’s bed while she changes into her pajamas. It’s not the first time she’s seen her change and even though it shouldn’t make her uncomfortable, it does. She pulls out her phone so she has somewhere to look that isn’t Ali. She’s blankly staring at an old text from her brother when she feels the bed dip next to her.

“So…” Ali says as she throws a couple books onto the floor, making more room. “Wanna watch something? I have all the seasons of 30 Rock…and Avatar,” she laughs.

“Hmm,” Ashlyn ponders, “30 Rock. But I can’t promise I’ll stay awake.”

~*~

Half way into the second episode, Ashlyn dozes off. Her head falls onto Ali’s shoulder and her hand rests limply in the valley between where their thighs are just barely touching. Ali does her best to not move and wake Ashlyn, she wants to savour this contact.

She silently groans when her phone buzzes on her night table. When she sees Jeff’s name on the screen, she ignores it. It buzzes two more times so she slowly, but reluctantly picks it up. 

JEFF: hey  
JEFF: you awake?  
JEFF: so when do i get to wine and dine the beautiful ashlyn harris? she hasn’t texted me yet.

Ali rolls her eyes. She thought this whole Jeff thing was done and dealt with, but she still winces at the thought of him and Ashlyn alone.

ALI: you don’t.  
JEFF: what! so she’s into chicks then?  
ALI: no. shut up. can we talk about this tomorrow…i’m going to bed  
JEFF: wow ok goodnight cranky pants

She has no intention to actually talk to Jeff about it again but she knows he won’t just forget about it. The longer she can prolong it though, the better. Ashlyn finally stirs and wakes up. There’s a red spot on her cheek from Ali’s shoulder and a crick in her neck. She prods at it with her hands. “Woops, how long was I out for?”

“Not very long, fifteen minutes maybe?”

“Sorry, here, have your shoulder back.” Ashlyn repositions the strap of Ali’s tank top that had slid down in the midst of her quick slumber and Ali hopes and prays that Ashlyn doesn’t take notice of the tiny goose bumps that erupt on her arm when her finger drags across her skin.

Ali’s phone buzzes once more in her lap and they both see Jeff’s name light up on the screen. She immediately silences it and puts it face down back on her nightstand and Ashlyn shoots her a questioning look.

“Oh, um, not important,” she stammers.

“That reminds me, I never texted him back. I should probably do that tomorrow.”

“Yeah, probably…hey can I ask you something?” Ali knows she’s about to hate herself for asking because even though Ashlyn’s already said twice that she’s turning him down, it bothers her that she still doesn’t know why. There has to be a reason, she thinks. She doesn’t wait for Ashlyn to respond. “Um, why exactly don’t you want to go out with Jeff?”

A long, frustrated breath escapes Ashlyn's lips and Ali’s mentally slapping herself for asking. She hates that this is still being brought up – she doesn’t get why everyone is so interested in the situation and she just wants it to go away. At the same time, she’s thankful for it because she knows she’d never talk about it – her sexuality or feelings for Ali – on her own and this just gives her the push she needs. "Do I have to have a reason?"

“Well, no, not really, but – “ 

“But what?”

Ali already feels stupid but she forces herself to continue. She shrugs. “I mean, he _is_ a good looking guy and girls always throw themselves at him. I think you are one of the first people I’ve ever seen turn him down.”

“Maybe I’m not like the other girls.” Ashlyn’s voice is shaky and as uncomfortable as she is, part of her is relieved to be talking about it. Well sort of, until this time it’s _her_ phone that buzzes reminding her of an appointment she has in the morning. “Fuck. I forgot about my appointment tomorrow. I should probably get to bed now.”

Ali half frowns unintentionally. “Okay.”

She scoots out of her bed and Ali gets up behind her to put her computer away. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says as she goes to open the door.

“Yep, goodnight.” Ali says, but it’s not in her usual chipper tone. It sounds almost hollow; maybe irritated and it makes Ashlyn spin around. Something rooted deep inside of her, she’s not sure what, draws her towards Ali and she pulls her into a hug. It’s light and gentle at first, the kind of hug you give someone you don’t really know. She has no idea where this impulse came from, but everything in her tells her to hold on just a little bit longer and tighter. 

Ali stands there dumbfounded because this is the first time Ashlyn has really shown any affection. Because of the their height difference, as minor as it is, and how quickly the hug happens, Ali’s face gets squished into Ashlyn’s neck; her lips press onto her collarbone but she doesn’t dare move them. Eventually she reciprocates the hug and it lingers longer than it should; the warmth of Ali’s breath on Ashlyn’s neck sends a small tingle whizzing through her body. When it finally starts to feel awkward, they pull apart both avoiding eye contact. 

Ashlyn clears her throat, slightly panicked. “Anyways…okay, bye.” She quickly turns and walks out, not bothering to look back at Ali. Her entire body feels like jello and it makes the thirty second walk back to her room harder than it should be. 

~*~

Ali lies in her bed and stares at the ceiling. She counts the little bumps of stucco in an attempt to lull herself to sleep but there are too many thoughts racing through her head. She touches her lips that were not too long ago pressed up against Ashlyn’s skin and it drives her crazy that she might not ever get to feel that again.

She rolls onto her side and notices the _Catcher in the Rye_ sticking out of her bag. Her alarm clock flashes 1:23 am but it’s not like she’s tired so she reaches over and pulls it out, turning on her reading light. Upon closer inspection, she can see how worn out the book really is – the spine has been cracked multiple times and cover looks like it might fall off at any second. She carefully flips through it again, quickly scanning over some of the highlighted bits until she reaches one that catches her eye. It reads:

_“That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”_

Ashlyn said the book used to belong to her grandfather so Ali isn't sure of who had originally highlighted the passage – she assumes her grandfather – but the strange part is, the line that reads _“even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid,”_ has been lightly crossed out and there are two little asterisks marked on either side of the paragraph. It’s all in purple pen; the same distinct purple pen that Ali leant to Ashlyn a couple weeks ago and has been using ever since.

Ali closes the book, turns off her light, and buries her face into her pillow letting out a muffled groan. What does that passage mean? What do all the highlighted passages mean? 

Now she’s got a million other things to think about.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lines on a person's palm can reveal more about them than they know.

Ali tries to push open Ashlyn’s door like she usually does, but is met with force on the other end. They’re beyond the point of having to knock anymore. The only time their doors are ever really locked is if they’re changing. When Ali finally pushes the door open enough to allow her to stick her head in, she sees boxes all over the place, clothes on the floor, and her desk and dresser have been pushed to the middle of the room.

“Ash?” she calls out, and Ashlyn’s head pops up on the other side of her dresser. “What on earth are you doing?”

“Hey Al. I’m reorganizing.”

“Reorganizing? Why? We’ve barely even been here a month…and is that even allowed?”

Ashlyn shrugs. It’s probably not allowed but she doesn’t care. “I needed a change of scenery? And cleaning helps me clear my mind…” she mumbles off.

Ali forces herself in between the door and trudges over boxes and books and leaps onto Ashlyn’s bed, making herself comfortable; her back against the headboard and knees curled to her chest. Ashlyn watches as she pulls the cover over herself, a sight she could definitely get used to.

“What needs clearing from your mind?” The sheets smell like Ashlyn and Ali pulls the comforter even higher until it’s tucked under her chin – it’s not even cold.

Ashlyn dusts the top of her dresser, coughing when the dust flies into her face. “I don’t know. Things. I’ve been kind of stressed out lately.” 

“Do you want to talk about it? I’m a great listener, you know.” Ali winks in the hopes that Ashlyn will laugh and loosen up, but she doesn’t. Instead, she pretends not to notice and maneuvers around her dresser to the pile on laundry on her floor. She sits and starts to fold it.

“It’s mainly school, I guess.” That’s a lie. “And I miss my parents and brother.” That’s not a lie, but that’s not what is giving her stress either. 

Ali crawls out from under the covers and joins her on the floor, picking up a t-shirt and folding it.

“Thanks mom, but you don’t have to help me fold my clothes,” Ashlyn jokes.

“Well fine, see if I ever try and help you again,” Ali retorts as she throws the t-shirt onto Ashlyn’s head. She notices something bright pink with Bugs Bunny printed all over it and pulls it out from the pile of clothes. It’s a pair of men’s boxer briefs and she holds them up with wide-eyed amusement. “Oh my god. Ashlyn, please tell me Patrick’s stuff got mixed in with your laundry because…” she can’t even finish her sentence because she’s laughing so hard.

Ashlyn’s face turns a bright shade of a pink, much like the boxers Ali is holding and she snatches them out of her hand. “Excuse you, I’ll have you know that these are extremely comfortable to sleep in, okay.” 

In the midst of all the laughter, Ashlyn has forgotten about her stress. Once the giggles subside, she notices the way that Ali is looking at her and biting her lip – it’s cute, really cute – and all of a sudden she becomes self-conscious. Her first instinct is to get up and do something else but she forces herself to stay. She can’t keep running away from uncomfortable situations.

She throws the boxers back at Ali. “I take it back. Help me fold, woman.”

Ali happily obliges. They sit there in comfortable silence folding clothes; the only noise coming from the open window that overlooks the quad. It’s the sound of people talking mainly, and birds chirping.

Ali gets wrapped up in her thoughts during the silence; she mostly thinking about Ashlyn. More than anything, she just wants to talk to her and pick her brain. Every time she tries though, something or someone interrupts them and it leaves her feeling frustrated. She’s intuitive though, and she knows that there’s some sort of weight on Ashlyn’s shoulders. She idly thinks that maybe she’s freaked out by her sexuality; especially because she hasn’t brought it up since, but Ali wants to believe she knows Ashlyn better than that – Ashlyn would have run by now if it really bothered her. It’s in her eyes and body language though, whatever burden she’s carrying; it’s even laced into her words. 

~*~

Ashlyn digs through a dresser drawer and pulls out a small white plastic package. She casually climbs onto her desk like it’s a normal thing to do, not bothering to explain herself to Ali. Ali doesn’t have time to question it anyways because she right away notices that she’s holding a pack of glow in the dark stars.

“Are you serious?” she teases as she relocates onto Ashlyn’s bed, her eyes subtly watching her every movement.

“What, I had these growing up. They make me feel at home.”

“Where did you even get those?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Tell me you didn’t bring those with you from home…”

“I didn’t bring them with me from home.” But Ashlyn can’t help her smirk. She did bring them from home and now that she’s looking at the package, she’s realizing she has too many. “You want some?”

Ali bites her lip trying to hide her smile and shakes her head in mock disapproval. “You’re such a child. But yes, I would like some please.”

She throws the pack at Ali and climbs down from the desk, joining her on the bed. She sits there quietly watching as Ali digs through the bag of stars. She pulls a little one out and sticks it to Ashlyn’s forehead with a cheesy grin on her face.

“Hey!” Ashlyn laughs as she picks it off and flicks it to the floor.

“Hey yourself,” she giggles. She swings her legs onto the bed, crossing them and shifts closer to Ashlyn until she’s right next to her, facing her left side. “Give me your hand,” she says, her voice suddenly quieter.

The mood unexpectedly changes and Ashlyn eyes her suspiciously. Ali cocks her head to the side, holding her hand out, silently urging her on. She complies.

“I’m going to read your palm.” 

“Is that even a real thing?”

“Shh.” Ali flips Ashlyn’s hand palm up, holding it lightly but firmly in her own while Ashlyn watches her intently. She gently and painstakingly slowly drags a finger across one of the lines on her palm and Ashlyn shivers involuntarily. Ali notices but doesn’t comment on it. “This is your line of head. It tells me that you’re a creative and intellectual person. And that you have this thirst for knowledge that is incomparable to anyone else that I know.” 

She drags her finger across a different line. “This is your line of fate or destiny. Not everyone has this line, but you do. Yours is deep, which means you are strongly controlled by fate – so a lot of the time things happen to you that you can’t control but you learn from them because you are empowered by knowledge, remember?” 

Ashlyn nods. She is completely captivated by Ali; everything from her touch, her smell, her voice, and just how close she is. Whether or not she actually believes what Ali is saying, her overall pull has her so hooked, she doesn’t see or her anything else. It’s not until Ali looks up that she’s only slightly broken from her spell. Their eyes connect but neither of them looks away. Ali is taken a back at how raptly Ashlyn is staring at her – one might say it’s smoldering, and it makes her pulse jump and beat in her throat. 

She looks for Ashlyn’s telltale sign that she’s uncomfortable but she doesn’t get it – there’s a calmness to her that she’s never really seen or felt before but at the same time, she can practically feel Ashlyn’s pulse hammering in her hand.

“Do you have one?” Ashlyn finally squeaks out, barely audible.

Ali offers her free to Ashlyn for her to inspect on her own. She does. Ashlyn finds it with ease and drags her thumb down it slowly feeling the softness of her palm as she goes.

“There’s one more line.” Ashlyn releases her hand so she can show her. “This one is the life line. It can tell a lot about a person.” Ali runs her finger over it multiple times – it’s nothing more than an excuse to just touch her. “It tells me that you’re very cautious when it comes to new relationships; that maybe you were hurt in the past and it’s hard for you to trust people.” 

A flashlight has just been shone in some of the darkest parts of Ashlyn’s mind and all of a sudden she feels naked and exposed. Just like that, Ali has figured her out and it scares Ashlyn to no end. But of course she doesn’t admit to that out loud. 

Ashlyn is momentarily at a loss for words, still mesmerized. She’s finally able to find it in her to string together a sentence. “Is all that true? Do you really think you can figure someone out just by the lines in their hand?”

Ali shrugs. She still hasn’t let go of Ashlyn’s hand nor has Ashlyn tried to remove it. “I don’t know, you tell me.”

A silence quickly drapes over them; it’s static and Ashlyn can physically feel heat from Ali’s eyes burning into her own. Neither of them dare break the eye contact but Ali catches the way that Ashlyn’s eyes briefly flutter down to her lips and then back up.

Ashlyn’s heart is beating faster than it ever has; she’s only partially sure of what’s going to happen but her lips begin burning with desire – no, need – to taste Ali’s. And everything inside of Ali is screaming at her to kiss Ashlyn but something tells her that she shouldn’t; that it’s a terrible idea. In the end, it’s her yearning that wins. She inches closer ever so slightly; her eyes fully locked onto Ashlyn’s lips. Ashlyn would be a fool to pull away now so she doesn’t, letting Ali get closer and closer until she can feel her breath on her lips. 

Ali pauses just a hair away; she’s waiting for the signal that it’s okay to actually kiss her because up until now, Ashlyn feelings have been a huge looming question mark. In fact, this entire moment between them is so out of left field considering they have never once spoken about their feelings for one another, but they would both be stupid to deny the tension and attraction that’s always between them.

The shallowness of Ashlyn’s breathing and the fact that she still hasn’t moved gives light to the fact that it’s okay proceed. She raises her hand to Ashlyn’s face, lightly running her thumb over her cheek and tilts her head. She’s about to press her lips against Ashlyn’s when Ashlyn turns her head away.

“D-don’t,” she whispers. It’s breathy and full of regret and the feeling of Ali’s hand still cradled on her face makes it all the more painful.

It’s a single word; one syllable, and it hits Ali in the chest like a bullet, exploding like shrapnel in her heart and leaving splinters of hurt and rejection. She pulls away keeping her head down. She feels like an idiot – she knew she shouldn’t have tried and that it was too good to actually be happening.

“Ash, I…I…” Ali scrambles for words; it’s a desperate attempt rectify the situation.

“No. You don’t have to say anything. Sorry, I…I gotta go.” 

“But this is…” But it’s too late because Ashlyn already out the door. “…your room.” 

The door slams shut and Ali is left alone in the silence with her own judgments poking holes into her actions. She contemplates running after her but it’s only going to make things worse. The crinkling of the bag of stars that Ashlyn accidentally kicked over is enough to drive her crazy. It’s mocking her; laughing at her for being too forward. Ashlyn tried to share part of her past with her but Ali got too greedy; she fished too deep and reeled in too much information and now everything is a mess; just like the stars. Ashlyn’s phone is still in the room so she can’t even call or text her, and there’s no way she could talk to Alex or Kelley about this. She has no idea what to do.

~*~

Ashlyn sits alone in the arboretum under the same tree that she and Ali had not so long ago. She didn’t mean to abandon Ali so quickly, but she panicked and her first instinct was to run, which is ironic because her parents have always taught her to not run or hide from her problems. Not like this is a problem, per say, but here she is, hiding in a garden from the one person that has ever taken the time to get to know her. And that’s the scariest part – all of her life, besides her brother, Ashlyn’s never had that person to confide in and now that she’s finally here, she doesn’t know how to handle it.

She picks at the grass and draws patterns in the dirt with her finger. She needs something mind numbing to do for a while because her brain is racked and her thoughts are racing at a pace faster than she can keep up with. The croaking of the frogs in the pond provides her with something to preoccupy her thoughts with. She counts the seconds in between each croak.

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Four._

_Five._

_Six._

She repeats the process over and over until the sound gets drowned out by the waking crickets.

~*~

It was sunny when Ashlyn got to the arboretum but now the sun is just starting to dip behind the tree line and the temperature is dropping. She’s not exactly sure how long she’s been sitting outside for; maybe an hour, maybe more. Off in the distance behind her, Ashlyn can hear footsteps but doesn’t bother to turn around. As they get closer, something inside her tells her that it’s Ali but she doesn’t bother to look up though her anxiety rises the closer and louder the footsteps become.

“Ash?” The voice is quiet, not wanting to spook her.

Ashlyn is right. It’s Ali.

Apprehensive to come any closer, Ali waits because she’s anticipating for Ashlyn to tell her to go away but when Ashlyn looks up and half smiles, she takes it as her cue to step a little bit closer. She doesn’t sit though. “Ash, look, I am so sorry about earlier, I just – “

Ashlyn cuts her off. “Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to apologize for. And how did you even know I was out here?” She scoots to the left and pats the empty space next to her, signaling for Ali to join, which she does.

Ali herself is not even quite certain of how she knew where Ashlyn was but something in her head just pointed her in the direction of the arboretum, and she followed it. “Lucky guess, I suppose. And I don’t?”

All Ashlyn does is shake her head.

“But you ran off so quickly.”

Ashlyn would rather do anything else in the entire world than have this conversation but there’s always something about Ali that makes her change her mind. “I know, that was really stupid and terrible of me. If anything, I should be sorry; for just leaving you there.”

Ali huffs through her nose. “Ashlyn, I tried to _kiss_ you. I guess it might be different if I were a guy, but…I’m not. You’re allowed to be upset, or weirded out, or something.”

The words hang thickly in the air. _I guess it might be different if I were a guy._ Ashlyn begins to agree with Ali’s statement but immediately stops herself. She knows that Ali isn’t that stupid and that she has to have at least some sort of idea that Ashlyn isn’t completely straight (or not at all, for that matter).

Ashlyn squeezes her eyes shut tight and sighs out a long, shaky breath. “I was ten.”

“What?” 

“I was ten when I knew I was different.”

The way that Ashlyn’s temples are beating so hard like they may beat right of out her head tells Ali she’s uncomfortable or nervous. The distress in her voice is evident and it pains Ali to see her so scared. “Ash, whatever you have to say, you can just say it. I’m not here to judge you.”

Ashlyn’s shoulders relax, but only slightly. Here goes nothing. “I’m gay, Ali, gay, gay, gay. I’m probably gayer than you. And I’m sorry that I act so weird sometimes but I’m just scared, okay. It scares the shit out of me and I never thought I’d meet someone like you – and I don’t mean also gay, but just super cool but I guess being gay is a bonus.”

The words are spilling out of Ashlyn’s mouth like an overflowing sink but Ali doesn’t stop her. She wants Ashlyn to get everything off her chest and she’s afraid that if she does stop her, she won’t start again.

“I was so afraid to be myself, and I still am. I'm terrified, actually, but you just, you came along and were so nice and I’ve never really had any friends before. I didn’t want to freak you out or anything so I just never brought it up and then Jeff asked me out and I was like _fuck,_ how the hell do I turn down a date with a really hot guy? And then _you_ told me you were gay and I just…I just…” she buries her face in her hands feeling tears threatening at her eyes. Her heart is pounding and she’s shaking all over. 

Ali puts an arm around her shoulder and pulls her into her arms, letting her nestle her face into the crook of her neck and shoulder. She holds Ashlyn tightly, letting her know she’s there and not leaving. The quiet sobs that escape her only make Ali hold on tighter, wanting to take away all the suffering she’s been harbouring.

“Ash, it’s okay. You don’t have to go through this alone,” Ali softly croons into her ear. She can’t say she’s completely surprised by Ashlyn’s confession, but it shocks her the most to see how badly keeping this secret was hurting her.

There are tears running down Ashlyn’s face when she finally looks up and Ali wipes them away with her thumbs, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You know, you’re even pretty when you cry.” 

Ashlyn giggles and cracks a smile. She feels like a thousand pounds have finally been lifted from her shoulders and just the fact that Ali is here with her and that she actually came looking for her means the world. Despite that, somewhere deep inside of Ashlyn, she still hurts but that’s something she can deal with on another day. She shrugs it off for now – she’s happy and she wants to revel in it.

“Hey,” she’s only inches away from Ali’s face. “You started something earlier that you never finished.”

“Oh, what’s that?” Ali asks, genuinely confused.

“This.” And Ashlyn kisses her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part about the palm reading is totally made up. I did a really quick google search but have NO idea if any of it is accurate.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The scars of her past are writing themselves on her face [and] her pulse beats quickly, like Morse code spelling out all of her insecurities."

Ashlyn lies in her bed staring at the newly adorned glow in the dark stars on her ceiling. They don’t glow as brightly as she remembers but the familiarity of it makes her feel at peace, but it also makes her miss home. She runs her tongue over her lips; the same lips that were not so long ago pressed onto Ali’s. She smiles trying to remember the way they tasted and they tingle at the recent memory.

The kiss definitely wasn’t planned; the perfect moment presented itself and it felt wrong for Ashlyn to do anything else so she let her instincts take over. It was bold of her especially because it was really only the second time she’s ever kissed anyone. A quick flashback to the time Kaley kissed her at soccer camp creeps into her mind and she idly wonders how different things would be if it never happened. She quickly waves away the thought.

\--

Ali opens her window and pulls a chair right up next to it. She uses the moonlight to illuminate the pages of the _Catcher in the Rye._ This time, she tries to start reading it from the beginning but her curiosity gets the better of her once again. Instead, she reads through only the highlighted passages sticking post-it notes at the ones that intrigue her the most.

It’s hard for her to concentrate though, because all she can think about is Ashlyn and the way that her lips felt as soft as they look. She wishes it had lasted longer but she knew better than to push it. It took almost all of her will power to keep her tongue in place and her hands from wandering. Her cheeks get warm at the thought and she forces herself to stop thinking about it. 

\-- 

It’s 1:06 AM and Ashlyn still can’t sleep. The lack of brightness in the glow in the dark stars continue to fade and when she can no longer see them, she sits up in her bed and stares blankly at the dark wall in front of her. She’s only realizing right now how badly she’s craving Ali; not necessarily her touch, but just her presence.

She grabs her phone and stares at it for a moment before tapping out a text.

ASHLYN: _hey i know it’s late but are you still up?_

The reply is almost instantaneous.

ALI: _yeah can’t sleep whats up?_

ASHLYN: _nothing i can’t sleep either what are you doing?_

ALI: _just reading and thinking about…things lol_

ASHLYN: _hmm i see, okay_

\--

Ali puts her phone down not expecting another reply but when she hears the gentle padding of footsteps coming from down the hall, she knows that it’s Ashlyn and her heart hiccups with excitement.

The door slowly creaks open and Ashlyn pops her head in. “Hey,” she whispers quietly. She can see that the light is still on in Kelley and Alex’s room and she tries to make the least amount of noise possible as to not draw them out. She’s more than happy that Ali doesn’t have a roommate.

“Hi,” Ali smiles, closing the book and placing it back onto her nightstand. It’s a little bit awkward at first until Ashlyn steps inside – “can I hang out in here for a bit? Can’t sleep.” 

Ali nods and Ashlyn makes herself comfortable in her bed. Ali doesn’t move from the chair just yet though; she’s waiting for Ashlyn to settle in so she can feel out the situation and atmosphere. The last thing she wants to do is be too forward again and scare her away, even though the kiss lingers in the air between them.

“You can keep reading if you want,” Ashlyn says as she rolls onto her side facing Ali. “I just didn’t really want to be alone.” Her lips are tingling again and the scent of Ali’s pillow isn’t helping either. “Do you like the book?”

Ali picks up the book again but doesn’t answer Ashlyn’s question. “Who highlighted all these passages?”

Ashlyn sits up. She knew about all the markings in the book when she gave it to Ali but she didn’t think that she would read into them or even really care. Now she can see all the post-it notes sticking out of the book and the blood drains from her face. “Um,” she bites into the side of her cheek, “some were from my granddad, some were from me.”

“Oh.” Ali gets up from her chair and moves to sit on the bed with Ashlyn. “What is the significance?” When Ashlyn avoids her eyes contact and begins to pick at the threads on Ali’s blanket, she knows that she’s stepped into some sort of unchartered territory and she tries to change the subject to something else; for Ashlyn’s sake, but Ashlyn stops her. 

“Gimme.” Ashlyn holds her hand out for the book and flips it open to the first page with a post-it note. She reads out the line that it’s pointed to. “ _’If somebody at least listens it’s not too bad.’_ – The first time I read this book was in my freshman year of high school. I didn’t have many friends and it was hard not having anyone to talk to.” She shrugs, “when anybody took the time to listen to what I had to say, it made things a little easier.”

Ali doesn’t say anything, she just listens quietly as Ashlyn flips to the next page. “ _’Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.’_ – I guess this was my granddad's motto in life. He would tell me this all time and said it was the reason that his marriage to my grandma was as perfect as it was.” Ashlyn’s voice catches in her throat but she forces herself to push on.

Now it’s Ali’s turn to be captivated by Ashlyn because this is the second time in one night that she’s openly talking about her personal life and her past. As painful as it is for Ali to watch how distraught Ashlyn becomes, it’s also in a way endearing and it gives her that sort of mysterious depth that people like Alex and Kelley don’t have. It’s part of the reason why Ali is so attracted to her.

Ashlyn flips to the next page and it’s the same passage that Ali first noticed just a few nights ago; the one with the purple pen – _“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”_ – and on the post-it, Ali has left her own asterisk. “Why’d you mark this one?” she asks. 

“Oh, um, I don’t really know. It was the first one that I noticed and it sort of kept me up for a couple of nights,” Ali embarrassingly admits. “I remember you said it used to belong to your granddad so I figured he was the one who highlighted it, but then I saw the purple pen and it looked a lot like the pen I leant you…and you probably think I’m a crazy freak and overanalyzing this.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Ashlyn replies. “You have good intuition, you know?”

“I do?” 

“I highlighted that passage about a week after we met. I made a couple adjustments to it but, um…it’s about you Al.”

“Me?” 

Ashlyn nods. “Not that I’m… _in love_ with you, because we’ve only known each other for like a month, but, something about you…you had me at hello, I guess. And ever since then, you’ve been driving me crazy because I wasn’t completely at terms with myself and not that I am completely right now, but it just made me mad that I didn’t know how to process my feelings for you.”

Ali’s heart swells to about three times its size and she tries her best to stay calm. “You have feelings for me?”

“Are you going to sit there and tell me you don’t at least have some feelings for me too?” It’s not a joke or an attack, it’s not even an actual question, but it’s finally the verbal acknowledgement that there’s been something brewing between them since day one. Ali doesn’t have to say anything because Ashlyn can see it in her eyes and in the way she’s biting her lip.

Ali wants to kiss Ashlyn so badly that it hurts and the tension between still continues to grow. She doesn’t though, because she knows Ashlyn still has more to say and there are still two more post-its in the book that she wants to know about.

Ashlyn searches for the next passages and when she sees which ones they are, her heart stops and sinks into her stomach. She reads the first one silently in her head and it’s not until she reaches the second one that tears begin forming in her eyes. She doesn’t want Ali to see her cry again so she turns her head to the side.

“Ash?” Ali hates so much to see Ashlyn like this. She reaches out for her hand and Ashlyn grips onto it tightly, like it’s the only thing keeping her anchored. “Talk me through it, I’m right here.” 

A not so quiet sob escapes Ashlyn and she immediately covers her mouth, feeling like an idiot for crying twice in front of Ali now. She sniffles a few times before finally being able to choke out her words. “I was closer with my granddad than I was with both of my parents combined. He was literally my everything. I saw him reading this book all the time and he gave it to me a few months before he died.”

She stops to take a breath and wipe away some tears.

“He told me he learned a lot of his life lessons from this book and that I should read it too and take something away from it. This line here, _‘I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse,'_ it’s how I felt after he died. I never got to say goodbye because I was at soccer camp when it happened and it was so sudden. I felt like shit for the longest time after because even though he knew I loved him, I never got to say it one last time.”

Ali crawls next to Ashlyn so that she can put her arms around her. She places a gentle kiss on her shoulder through her t-shirt and even through the sobs, she can feel the way Ashlyn relaxes, as subtle as it is. 

“And this paragraph here, _‘Just because somebody's dead, you don't just stop liking them-especially if they were about a thousand times nicer than the people you know that're alive and all,’_ it basically sums up my entire high school experience. I was outed by someone that I thought was my friend and then I tried so hard to fit in again but no one wanted anything to do with me so I pretty much shoved myself back into the closest and that was probably the worst feeling.”

Ali removes her arms from around Ashlyn and cups her hands on either side of her face. She watches as the tears spill down her cheeks and the way that the scars of her past are writing themselves on her face. She wipes away her tears in the same way she did just a few hours ago, only this time, they’re not tears of relief, but tears of pain.

“And the very worst part,” Ashlyn manages between sobs and sniffles, “is that it all happened right after my granddad died. A part of me died when he died and when I didn’t have anyone to turn to I just isolated myself from everyone. Sure, I had Chris and I’ll always love him for being there, but I needed a _friend,_ not a brother. And I still miss my granddad so much and it hurts every day.”

The more and more Ashlyn reveals, the more and more Ali’s heart breaks for her. She’s not sure what else she can do so she swings a leg over Ashlyn until she’s straddling her thighs and they’re face to face. Ashlyn instinctively wraps her arms around Ali’s waist and let’s her head fall onto her chest while Ali’s hands rub soothing circles into her back.

When they finally pull apart, Ashlyn’s eyes are dry but Ali can still feel the way she’s shaking so she puts a hand over her heart in an attempt to calm to her down.

Her pulse beats quickly, like Morse code spelling out all of her insecurities. But the longer Ali keeps her hand there, the slower and steadier it gets, and the more at ease she becomes. When the weight of Ali on her lap and the feel of her hand on her chest gets to be too much, Ashlyn grabs her by the collar and pulls her closer until their noses are touching.

The quiet intake of breath from Ashlyn’s mouth is all it takes before Ali closes the gap between them with her lips.

All the pain and heartache Ashlyn just felt mere seconds ago has vanished. She melts into Ali as her fingers deftly tangle themselves into her hair. Her heart speeds up again but this time for a different reason; it takes all but a gentle squeeze on Ali’s hips before her teeth have captured Ashlyn’s bottom lip.

Everything around them dissolves and neither of them is sure of where one of them begins and the other ends. The pressure in and around Ali’s mouth does nothing but make her head spin and breathing more ragged. She’s more than ready to get Ashlyn on her back when down the hall, the sound of a door slamming and two guys laughing startles them apart.

Ashlyn’s face is flushed, her pulse beating in every possible location of her body. She looks at Ali and tries to say something but is rendered speechless. All she can really do is bashfully look away while Ali is still propped up on her lap with her hands resting on her shoulders.

\-- 

“Stay with me tonight?”

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

 --

It’s almost 3:30 AM.

They’re lying barely inches apart with their legs woven together, neither of them able to fall asleep. Ali traces her fingers around the features on Ashlyn’s face. There are still smatterings of hurt in her eyes but Ali knows that’s something that just won’t fade overnight.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” she says, longing to see that dimple that stole her breath the first day they met.

Ashlyn says nothing. Ali pushes her back and rolls herself on top of her; their stomachs pressed together. Her every intention is to kiss away all of Ashlyn’s pain so she starts at the most obvious place, her heart.

She pulls down the collar of Ashlyn’s trademark V-neck and she can feel the now steady beat of her heart beneath her lips as she plants them onto her skin. Her next stop is her collarbone where she leaves a trail all way from her left side to her right side.

Next is her neck.

Then chin.

Then cheeks. 

Then eyes.

Then forehead.

Then nose.

She stops at her lips, letting her the warmth of her breath fall over them. “Should I stop?” she breathes with a tinge of uncertainty.

Ashlyn wriggles herself out from under Ali and her heart sinks, thinking she may leave. But when Ashlyn forces her back down, reverses their positions, and reconnects their lips, it’s all the confirmation Ali needs.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rain always makes things more romantic.

Ashlyn awakes disoriented. Even though it’s 9:00 AM, the sun is barely creeping through the curtains but she knows it’s raining because of the gentle pitter-patter against the window. She tries to move but when she realizes that Ali has tangled herself around her body, she instantly freezes, feeling a mild wave of panic wash over her. She’s unfamiliar with the physical weight of Ali’s head on her chest and the way that her arm is slung a little bit too low around her waist.

The rain begins to drum harder against the window and Ali stirs, but only slightly. Ashlyn is too afraid to move having never been in this situation before; does she stay, does she wait until Ali moves and then go, or does she get up and go at her own will?

She opts to remain still until Ali wakes so she can make the first move.

Ashlyn recounts the events of last night. Her neck is tender in the exact spot where Ali’s lip, teeth, and tongue had claimed haven and she can feel the bruise that is forming or that has already formed there. It was all very innocent for the most part; fleeting touches, playful nibbles. However, it wasn’t like Ashlyn protested when Ali hand’s wandered up the front of her shirt. And if Ashlyn’s memory serves her correctly, Ali will be donning a bruise of her own on the left side of her ribcage.

She was a different person in the moment. The wall that she had so meticulously built around her over the years came crashing down in an instant. Everything she thought she knew and hated about herself dissipated. Her stress was unknown and the ache in her heart was no more. She wasn’t that shy, awkward girl hiding from herself; she was just a human craving the affection of another human. Above all that, she felt safe – something she’s never felt before.

The moment is over now and the harsh reality and aftermath is making her feel sick. She’s emotionally hungover, and it’s the only type of hangover she doesn’t know how to cure.

She rolls her eyes at herself for crying again and showing so much weakness in front of Ali; she’s hates that she still misses her granddad as much as she does and that a couple hundred inked pages is the only physical reminder she has of him. She hates that she still feels as shitty as she does and most confusing of all, she doesn’t understand why Ali has stuck around for as long as she has.

The demons of her past come back to haunt her and they’re screaming at her that she’ll never be enough for anyone, especially someone like Ali who’s so self assured and confident. She thinks about Alex and Kelley too and wonders why they’re still her friends and then she remembers that neither of them knows she’s gay, so that must be the reason why.

It’s a constant internal struggle of wanting to be her self without any reservations but also having friends. So far it’s the latter that’s winning and it’s pulling her heart and soul in so many different directions that it hurts.

Ashlyn is vulnerable now and she hates it.

\--

Ali finally shuffles and lifts her head off Ashlyn’s chest but doesn’t untangle herself immediately. When she notices that she’s already awake she can’t help the upward curve of her lips and she repositions her self so she’s on top of her propped up by her arms.

“Morning,” she mumbles lazily as her head droops right above Ashlyn’s. She feels a small sense of pride when she notices the purple spot forming on Ashlyn’s neck and she traces a finger over it. 

“Hey.”

Ali kisses her softly on the cheek. “Sleep okay?”

“Yeah, pretty well.” Ashlyn wraps her arms around the back of Ali’s waist but being in this position now feels different than it did last night.  

“So…” Ali places a sleepy kiss right below Ashlyn’s ear. “What should we do…” she places another kiss just a little bit lower, “on this rainy Sunday?”

“Actually,” Ashlyn cuts her off before she can get to her lips and the tiniest pin pricks in Ali’s chest. “I sort of have a lot of work to catch up on.” It’s not completely a lie; she’s been so distracted by Ali for the past few days that she’s let her schoolwork fall to the wayside. But really, she needs time to process everything that’s happened lately and she can’t do that with Ali around. She needs to figure this out on her own.

“Oh. Okay.” Ali rolls off slightly dejected. She’s not entirely surprised though. Everything happened so quickly and even she needs time to work though her feelings. It still stings though when Ashlyn climbs over her and out of bed. 

“See you later.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Ashlyn stops in front of the door like she’s going to say something, but doesn’t. She walks out and leaves Ali to wonder if she’ll ever fully come around. 

\--

 **ashSmash:** hey guess what  
 **chris_the_king:** what are you failing out already?  
 **ashSmash:** hah. no smart ass. i told ali  
 **chris_the_king:** you told her what?  
 **ashSmash:** that i’m gay…  
 **chris_the_king:** and?  
 **ashSmash:** turns out i’m not alone lol  
 **chris_the_king:** whaaat really?  
 **ashSmash:** yep she actually came out to me first...  
 **chris_the_king:** woah didn’t see that coming  
 **chris_the_king:** but that’s good  
 **chris_the_king:** right?  
 **ashSmash:** well yeah  
 **chris_the_king:** but…?  
 **ashSmash:**  i dunno we made out and stuff last night  
 **chris_the_king:** ew ok spare me the details but isn’t that a good thing?  
 **ashSmash:** it is. but then like an idiot, i just awkwardly left this morning  
 **chris_the_king:** morning? you slept with her already?!  
 **ashSmash:** yes, like literally slept. i fell asleep in her bed and when i woke up she was like…on me  
 **chris_the_king:** please. no graphics. i don’t see the problem though  
 **ashSmash:** that’s the thing. there IS no problem. but i told her all that stuff about granddad and i dunno, i feel weird now and i’ve cried in front of her twice  
 **chris_the_king:** it’s called letting go of the past and moving on. tell her more  
 **chris_the_king:**  it’ll be good for you, ash  
…  
 **chris_the_king:** you still there?  
 **ashSmash:** ya sorry  
 **chris_the_king:** ash, let go of the past ok?  
 **ashSmash:** whatever. i have to go

\--

Ali paces around in her room. It’s not like her to be so anxious but Ashlyn’s got some sort of spell on her and she doesn’t know how to lift it. She doesn’t know that she _wants_ to lift it.

She flops back onto her bed. The sheets still smell like Ashlyn and it’s a scent that’s slowly becoming one of her favourites - it's citrusy; maybe grapefruits. She sits up and wraps the comforter around her watching as droplets of water smack into her window; it’s soothing and just what she needs.

Ashlyn’s departure was so abrupt that Ali can’t help but feel a little bit guilty that maybe she did something wrong. She contemplates texting Ashlyn but she wants to give her some space as well. When she gets bored of watching the rain fall, she goes against her gut and her fingers slowly tap out a message.

ALI: _hey just wanted to make sure you’re okay. i’m sorry if maybe i pushed you a bit too far last night. i can’t stop thinking about you._

Several minutes pass and turns into hours. There’s no response. Ali’s anxiety rises.

\--

The library is the only place Ashlyn can actually get work done. She’s sitting in her usual corner with her headphones on, her notes open, and all her senses shut off to the real world. She _has_ to finish her homework. 

She checks her phone. 3:15 PM.

She’s been in the library for half a day but it’s only felt like an hour or two. There’s a text from Ali sitting in her inbox and she silently curses to herself when she sees it was sent so many hours ago. She doesn’t text back immediately though. For one, she doesn’t really know what to say. Secondly, she owes a lot to Ali as of recently and she’s not about express herself in a text message. She brainstorms for a couple minutes before replying.

\--

In the hallway, Ali runs into Kelley. She only lives across the hall but it’s been a couple days since they’ve really seen each other and it’s nice to see a fresh face; not that she hasn’t enjoyed spending time with Ashlyn though.

“Hey Ali!” Kelley leaps at her and throws her arms around her in an overly animated gesture – typical of her.

Ali pries her off and holds her at arms length. “Ew, why are you all wet? I hope that’s rain and not sweat.”

“It’s both. I went for a run.”

“In the rain?” 

“Why not?”

Ali shrugs it off. She looks down the hall to see if Ashlyn’s door is open or if there are any clues to where she is but gets nothing. “Do you know where Ashlyn is?”

“Her room is _right_ there, why don’t you check yourself?” Kelley raises an eyebrow suspiciously.

“Right. Yeah.”

They’re about to part ways when Kelley stops and grabs a hold of Ali’s wrist. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it.”

“Is there something going on between you and Ash?”

Ali stops dead in her tracks and her face is suddenly warmer than the rest of her body. “Excuse me?” 

“I mean, you guys are like attached at the hip. Like overly attached. And sometimes I see the way you two look at each other and I feel like I’ve just witnessed the beginning of some erotic film.” 

“Kelley!” She smacks her in the shoulder. “What the fuck?”

“Ow! Hey!” Kelley glares at Ali, but it’s less than threatening. “Okay, maybe erotic film is the wrong term-“

“You think?” 

“I just feel like…there’s weird tension between you too.”

“There’s no tension, Kel,” Ali lies. Her sudden urge to tell Kelley that she’s gay is quickly thwarted when she remembers that Ashlyn isn’t fully out and the last thing she wants to do is have her relive her high school trauma. “We’re just friends, like you and I.”

“But you don’t look at me the same way you look at her.”

Ali rolls her eyes. “Kelley. Stop. Just friends.”

“Okay, okay, if you say so. Where are you going anyways…in your pajamas?”

“Just…out. I’ll be back.” 

Ali runs off towards the stairwell but stops once she’s inside and out of sight from Kelley. Where exactly _is_ she going? It’s still raining outside and most places on campus are closed today. She runs down the three flights of stairs and pauses when she reaches the lobby. The rain is heavier than she though but she tucks her phone into her bra so it doesn’t get wet and steps outside.

She has no idea where she’s going so she just walks. Rain be damned.

\--

Ashlyn has an idea. It’s sort of a long shot considering it’s so late in the day but she does a quick Google search of the athletic centre to see what sort of equipment rentals they offer. She scrolls down the list and there it is. Longboard. Only in California, she figures.

It’s 4:30 PM and the centre closes at 5:00; it’s right next to the library though, so she quickly packs up her stuff and runs over.

Several minutes later she walks out; longboard in hand.

\-- 

ASHLYN: _hey can you meet me in that big parking lot behind the student centre?_

ALI _: what when?_

ASHLYN: _as soon as you can_

ALI: _why…_

ASHLYN: _please lol_

ALI: _ok fine give me like 15 minutes_

\--

The rain has let up but it’s still dark and gloomy. It’s warm though, so Ali doesn’t mind that she’s still wet. She had taken to walking circles around the arboretum. Part of her had secretly hoped that she’d run into Ashlyn there again but alas it was deserted on a count of the downpour. 

She’s slightly confused by Ashlyn’s text given the fact that she left so coldly this morning and that it took hours for her to finally reply. Who is she to deny her though – she’s been thinking of her all day and it’s been making her irrational.

When she realizes she probably looks like a crazy person because she’s still in pajamas, she contemplates going back to change, but that will take too long. It’s only grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt; at least she’s wearing flip-flops and not her moccasins.

\--

Ashlyn’s sitting on a curb in the parking lot with her feet on the longboard waiting. It’s more or less empty aside from a few cars parked around the perimeter. She’s scrolling through her phone and looking at photos. She laughs at the one that Ali insisted she take of the two of them with ice cream all over their faces; it was Alex’s birthday and things got out of control when Kelley instigated a food fight.

Ashlyn sees Ali coming from a distance and watches her the entire way until she’s within earshot. “Hey.”

Ali waves and it’s possibly the cutest thing Ashlyn has ever witnessed. “Hey yourself.”

“I see you got all dressed up for me. So excited that you couldn’t even put your clothes in the drier first?”

Ali scoffs and puts her hands over her chest in mock offense. “Wow is this sassy Ashlyn? I kind of like it.”

Ashlyn merely grins and walks towards Ali who is more than surprised when she bravely leans in and kisses her on the corner of her mouth. “Sorry I left so awkwardly this morning. I freaked out and I just…I’m sorry.”

“I- that’s okay. I was worried that maybe I pushed things too far.”

“You didn’t. Well maybe except for this.” She smirks and points to the bruise on her neck.

Ali looks away embarrassed, stifling a giggle. She wants to apologize but she’s not actually sorry. Instead, she pulls Ashlyn closer by her wrists and firmly plants her lips onto hers. Ashlyn sighs and leans into it letting all the warmth encompass her chest. She could get used to these lips.

“What’s that?” Ali asks as she pulls away, pointing to the ground.

“A longboard.”

“Why do you have that? Where did you get it?”

“I rented it from the athletic centre.”

“Oh, they have longboard rentals?”

“Yes, that would be why I have a longboard right now. I didn’t whittle this over night.”

“Two for two on the sass. I still like.”

Ashlyn gets on the board and effortlessly rides in a circle around Ali. She glides to one end of the slanted parking lot, around a parked car and then back to Ali, all the while she watches on in admiration.

“Wow that awesome,” she says. Ashlyn seems so relaxed on the board; she’s like a different person. “Is that why you rented it? You just wanted to ride?” 

“Well yeah,” Ashlyn dismounts the board. “You showed me that palm reading thing the other day so I just wanted to show you something I was good at too.”

Ali’s smile is all teeth. It’s a small step forward but it’s progression and that’s all that matters. She’s glad that this pastime brings her happy memories and not sad, pained ones like _Catcher in the Rye_ does.

Ashlyn pushes the longboard forward and holds out her hands for Ali urging her to step on.

“Oh. No, I can’t. I’ve never- I’m going to fall.”

“You won’t fall, promise.”

“But I’m wearing flip-flops.”

“So take them off.”

She does take them off but reluctantly and she looks at Ashlyn, asking her only with her eyes if it really is okay to get on.

“I won’t let you go, I promise.”

Ali’s initial step is shaky but Ashlyn places her hands on her hips steadying her while Ali tightly clutches onto her shoulders. This time Ashlyn is the anchor, not Ali. She takes a couple of small steps slowly tugging her along and once she feels like Ali is stable, she loosens her grip.

“Can I let go?” 

“No! You promised!”

“Okay, okay, I won’t. Here, give me your hands.”

She does and Ashlyn continues to pull her across the parking lot. It’s the first time she’s really seen any fear in Ali and it does something to her. She can’t pinpoint it exactly but it makes it seem like Ali isn’t as perfect as she thought.

It’s a good thing, though.

\-- 

“So, um, something kind of weird happened today.” Ali makes Ashlyn hold her by the waste again because she feels more secure that way.

“What?”

“Kelley asked if there was something going on with us.”

Ashlyn stops. “Oh.”

“She said she can feel the tension between us?”

“And what did you say?”

Ali’s legs begin to shake. It was a lot easier to keep balance when she was moving. “Nothing really. Just that she was crazy and that we’re just friends…”

The words shouldn’t sting, but they do. After all, they _are_ still just friends even though they’ve both admitted to having feelings for each other. And Ashlyn knows that she’s still not ready to come out to Alex and Kelley just yet.

“I see.”

“Should I have said something else?”

Ashlyn shakes her head and Ali steps off the board. She wishes she could read Ashlyn’s mind but she can’t so she’ll just have to settle for waiting until Ashlyn decides to open up again.

\--

The rain starts to fall again. At first it’s light and drizzly and they both decide they should head back, but it quickly begins to drop harder and faster until their clothes stick to their bodies.

Ashlyn takes Ali by hand, pulling her towards shelter but Ali doesn’t budge. She stands there and when Ashlyn turns around, she’s smiling and biting her lip.

“Have you ever kissed in the rain before?”

“Uh…” And before Ashlyn can choke out a sentence, Ali lunges at her and kisses her hard on the mouth. All Ashlyn can really do is stand there because she’s so caught off guard but as quickly as the kiss happens, she’s got her hands on Ali’s face and she’s returning the kiss with so much passion that she surprises herself.

It doesn’t take long before Ali has her arms wrapped around Ashlyn’s back and Ashlyn’s are around her neck. The wetness of it all caused by the rain only makes it more intimate so when Ashlyn breaks the kiss to take a breath and it catches in her throat, Ali takes the opportunity to push her tongue forward until it’s greeted by Ashlyn’s.

They stand there like that, oblivious to everything around them, for what feels like forever. It’s not until the distant sound of a car starting startles them that they realize they’re not alone.

It’s dark now; what was visible of the sun through the rain clouds has now completely set. The walk back to their building is filled with nothing but laughs, jumping in puddles, and Ashlyn trying to get Ali to ride the longboard again. They stop at a small café to get something to eat, ignoring the stares of on-looking patrons at their completely drenched bodies.

\--

Ashlyn stops in front of Ali’s room as she opens the door. Her pulse quickens again as she works up the courage to say something. “Can I…spend the night with you? I don’t want to be alone again.”

Ali turns around and looks her up and down. When she stops to meet Ashlyn’s eyes, Ashlyn can see the intensity behind them and she swallows hard.

All Ali does is nod. She grabs a fistful of Ashlyn’s shirt and pulls her into the room.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The only thing clearer than the hunger behind Ali’s eyes is the unspoken realization that after tonight, their friendship may never be the same."

The door clicks behind Ashlyn and both of them are immediately aware of the change in the atmosphere.

Ali slowly saunters closer, pinning Ashlyn to the door with her eyes.

It’s dark with the exception of erratic flashes of lightning that briefly illuminate the room, and when it does, the only thing clearer than the hunger behind Ali’s eyes is the unspoken realization that after tonight, their friendship may never be the same. 

Ali places both of her hands on the door on either side of Ashlyn’s arms, which hang by her side. She’s careful to not actually touch her. What little space is between them quickly catches on fire and Ali brings her face close to Ashlyn’s, like she’s going to kiss her, but doesn’t.

Ashlyn closes her eyes trying to steady her heartbeat all the while ensuring that her knees don’t give out from under her.

“Are you sure you want to stay?” The words snake out of Ali’s mouth and slither around Ashlyn’s lips; she’s too breathless to speak so she nods. “I can’t promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

Ali closes the space between them and presses herself right into Ashlyn. She can feel the rise and fall of her chest with each of her quickening breaths.

“Who says I want you to?” Ashlyn is fast to learn that the darkness embodied by Ali’s presence turns her into different person.

A braver person. 

It doesn’t take long before their lips find each other again and they’re sharing a single breath. It’s not rushed or desperate or uncertain, it’s slow and tender. It’s a gentle exploration of a land they’ve once been to except now, they’re taking the time to map it out; to learn how it works.

The skin on Ashlyn’s back and neck erupts and covers itself in goosebumps when she feels the sudden dull graze of Ali’s teeth on her earlobe and the way her mouth pulls at skin just below it. She bites her lip in an attempt to silence herself but it’s no use because a sharp intake of air hisses through her teeth and it sends Ali’s mouth into a frenzy down her jawline and onto her neck.

The dampness of Ali’s hair only intensifies the smell of her shampoo and it drives Ashlyn into a state of drunkenness. As she runs her hands up and down the sides of Ali’s ribcage, she finds it harder and harder to keep them on the outside of her shirt.

In a defiant move, Ashlyn forces Ali off of her and spins them around, trapping her against the door. She rolls her pelvis into Ali’s and watches the way she throws her head back, inviting her lips to her neck.

It’s an invitation she can’t turn down.

Ali has never seen Ashlyn take so much charge before and it’s nothing short of a turn on. She doesn’t let it last though. She pushes herself off the door and begins walking Ashlyn backwards towards her bed.

“I think you’ll be more comfortable without this wet shirt.” Ali proceeds to lift it over Ashlyn’s head and she smirks when she isn’t met by any resistance. “Nice bra.”

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything. Instead, she watches the way Ali’s eyes wander up and down her body and all of a sudden she feels self-conscious; she’s never exposed herself so mentally or physically to anyone before.

“Al…” she breathes.

“Mmm?” Ali hums as she continues to walk Ashlyn backwards until the back of her knees hit her mattress and she’s sitting down.

“I- nothing- come here.” She grabs Ali by the hips and pulls her until she’s sitting sideways on her lap. It’s awkward and not what she intended to do but it doesn’t faze Ali because she somehow manages to effortlessly rotate herself so she’s straddling her.

“Your shirt is wet too,” Ashlyn whispers but it’s not as confident as she wants but it’s all that she has to say before Ali pulls it over her head and tosses it to the floor, allowing Ashlyn to marvel at the toned stomach in front of her. “Nice bra yourself.”

They both let out a giggle they didn’t know they were trying to suppress. The heat of the moment is broken, but just barely and it hits them that they might go all the way tonight.

Ali draws an outline of Ashlyn’s bra on her skin with her finger but she stops just before she reaches the clasp on her back.

“Are we moving too fast?”

“Um, I’ve never- yeah, maybe.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t say stop kissing me though.”

\--

Ali’s hands lay flat on Ashlyn’s chest, just like they did last night, feeling the pulse jump beneath them. It’s only the second time she’s done it, but Ashlyn is already aware of calming affect it has on her. Ali pushes her back until her head hits the pillow, all the while keeping her hands on her chest.

She lowers her head and places a soft lingering kiss over Ashlyn’s heart where her right hand is and she does the same at her left hand.

It’s a simple gesture but it speaks volumes for Ashlyn. It’s beyond intimate and she feels safe all over again.

Ali repeats the process one more time.

“Don’t do that.” Ashlyn’s voice is barely a whisper and Ali stops and looks up, searching her eyes for what went wrong. “Or I’ll start falling for you.”

The silence that follows is deafening.

“What if I’m already falling for you?”

\--

Their prior agreement to take things slowly still stands. Although, that doesn’t stop Ali from peppering light kisses on Ashlyn’s abdomen and once again, Ashlyn doesn’t protest. Ali watches and learns the way each one of her muscles ripple at each passing touch and she listens for the sound of her shallow breathing. When it sounds like Ashlyn might pass out, Ali crawls back up, continuing her kisses on her mouth.

Ashlyn is inexperienced when it comes to intimacy so she sticks to what she thinks she knows, which are mostly things she’s seen in movies and on TV. She nibbles and sucks at Ali’s lips but Ali doesn’t mind. In fact, she likes it, a lot. She also likes the way that Ashlyn’s tongue isn’t overly intrusive or violent, but rather, it moves around her own like two people dancing a delicate waltz.

\--

It’s quiet now and things have settled down. They’re lying nose to nose and Ali puts her hand to Ashlyn’s face lightly stroking her thumb back and forth over her cheek. She’s proud of her; she knows that what she’s been through wasn’t and isn’t easy and it has fundamentally influenced the person that she is now. But she can see the progress she’s made because the super quiet and awkward Ashlyn she first met is slowly fading away. It’ll still take a while before Ashlyn fully accepts herself for who she is and Ali knows that, but for now she’ll be happy with what she can get. 

\--

“Hey, I want to tell you something.”

They’re lying so close that Ashlyn can feel the brush of Ali’s lips against hers as she speaks.

“What’s that?”

“Remember the first day we met and I said I was introducing myself to everyone?”

“I do.”

“That was a lie.”

The furrow in Ashlyn’s brow creates a subtle wrinkle in her forehead and Ali smooths it away.

“I noticed you almost immediately. Your parents and brother were helping you move in and I couldn’t stop staring at you. You looked really sad but I knew I had to talk to you somehow.”

Ashlyn remains silent; she reads like a book when she’s nervous or uncomfortable and Ali can spot it from miles away but now that she’s so close, it’s like she can feel Ashlyn’s pain and it breaks her heart. She doesn’t acknowledge it just yet though.

“You were just so…beautiful and I just sort of creepily watched you all day hoping that maybe you’d say something first. But then I saw you go into your room and I didn’t see you again for a few hours. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t totally intrigued by you.”

“I- um-“ Ashlyn stutters trying to articulate her thoughts, but comes up short.

“Why are you so nervous?”

“Who says I’m nervous?”

“I just know. Your jaw, it gets all tight and your temples beat really hard. You don’t have to be nervous around me, you know?”

Ashlyn untangles her arms from around Ali and props herself up onto her elbow with her head in her hand. She stares down into her dark brown eyes and for the first time, Ali feels intimidated by Ashlyn.

“I’m not _nervous._ I’m just, I don’t know, scared. Really scared. And I want to know why.”

“Why you’re scared?”

“No, not that. What’s so special about me? No one has ever stuck around, no one has ever even cared. So why? Why haven’t you run just like everybody else?” The words come out harsher than Ashlyn expects and she immediately regrets it. The dull ache in her chest that Ali has somehow managed to take away this weekend is back and she’s hating herself all over again.

“Do I need to have a reason? We’re not in high school, okay? I’m not as judgmental as your _friends_ were and I never will be. I wish there was a way I could show you how special you are. Maybe the fact that I’ve patiently waited almost two months for you to actually talk to me isn’t enough; or maybe the fact that for the last two nights letting my lips lay claim to you skin isn’t enough either. And what about the fact that I’ve spent countless nights awake thinking about you and your stupid smile and replaying the sound of your laugh in my head? Ashlyn, and what about the simple fact that I’m just falling for you?”

Ashlyn lies back onto the pillow. She feels stupid and she’s having a silent panic attack that maybe she’s just messed everything up. And at what expense, her insecurities? The words _“I’m just falling for you”_ ring in her ears and Ali hovers over her and forces their eyes to connect.

“I’m sorry,” Ashlyn whispers.

“For what?”

“For being an insecure idiot?”

“No. Don’t apologize. I didn’t mean for all that to come spilling out.” Ali sits up and crosses her legs; Ashlyn joins her. “You’re not alone, okay? If you think that coming out for me was a walk in park, it was far from it. I lost a couple really good friends in high school myself.”

Now Ashlyn really feels like an idiot. Not once has she ever taken the time to ask Ali about her past; she’s been so caught up in feeling sorry for herself that it never occurred to her that maybe Ali has been through it too.

“Ali, I feel so dumb and selfish.”

“Seriously, don’t. You had it really hard and I’m not expecting you to just get over it. But I want, no, need you to know that I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. Unless you want me to…”

Ashlyn quickly shakes her head. “No. I want you to stay. I want to stay. Right here, with you.”

“Good.” Ali pulls back the covers and ushers Ashlyn under them. Once they’re comfortable, Ali snuggles up to her so that her front is pressed against her back and Ashlyn’s hair tickles her nose. She holds her tightly like she does when she wants Ashlyn’s pain to go away.

Ashlyn knits her fingers with Ali’s and brings them up to her lips, kissing each one of her knuckles. She’s rewarded when she feels a velvet reign of kisses litter down her neck making her break out in goosebumps all over again.

“Goodnight,” Ali sighs into her ear. She feels the way their pulses harmonize and how it ignites a warmth within in her; and it’s just more confirmation of how quickly she really is falling for Ashlyn.

Ashlyn feels it too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a guessing game that she’ll never know the answers to but it helps her feel less alone.

The lineup at Starbucks is far too long to Ashlyn’s liking. She and Ali had overslept the alarm this morning and now they’re both running late. She’s not really fazed by it though because she’s still on such a high from last night and even though her class started ten minutes ago, her caffeine isn’t something she’s willing to sacrifice. 

Luckily for Ali, her class is right next to their building but Ashlyn has to run to the other side of campus dodging puddles as she goes.

The day goes by painstakingly slow. Ali’s three-hour class feels like six and it doesn’t help that her mind keeps wandering back to the last few days. She might as well have skipped her English Literature class because she hasn’t heard a single word her professor has spoken. There’s still thirty minutes of class left but she’s only written half a page of notes. 

It’s not like she even has time to call or text Ashlyn when her class is over because her next one is on the other side of campus and she has less than ten minutes to get there.

It’s good though, the distractions. She needs time to think about other things and she can’t have Ashlyn clouding her thoughts because lately, everything she’s been doing has revolved around her. Not that it’s a bad thing; she loves it actually, as much as it drives her crazy. But she knows that she has to think about herself too.

\--

Ashlyn’s day doesn’t go by any quicker or easier either. Despite the fact that midterms are approaching, all of her classes bombard her with assignment after assignment; two of which are already due by the end of the week. She does a quick mental calculation how much time she has for each assignment and unless she makes the library her home for the next week and a half, she’ll never get everything done.

The only thing getting her through the day is the sweater she purposely borrowed from Ali. It smells like her so it brings her some comfort; it also zips up all the way to her chin so it hides the bruise that Ali left on her neck in the heat of the moment.   

Ashlyn completely zones out during her Psychology class; there’s only so much she cares to know about the id, superego, and ego. This time just last year, she was sitting in a mucky classroom with a bunch of students who cared little to not at all for her. The only difference between then and now is that none of these people know her so they can’t judge her. Or at least that’s what she hopes.

She looks around the room and counts the number of people she thinks are like her; not gay, but just struggling with themselves. It’s a guessing game that she’ll never know the answers to but it helps her feel less alone. She shouldn’t feel alone though, because she has Ali and she even said herself that she’s not going anywhere.

 _“I’m just falling you”_ echoes within the walls Ashlyn’s head and it releases a flurry of butterflies in her stomach. She has to lower her head and pretend that she taking notes to hide the grin that plays at her lips. It makes her happy, but at the same time, she can’t deny her confusion.

Yes, she’s falling for Ali too, or so she thinks, but she’s never had genuine feelings for anyone before. The capacity of what she feels given the short amount of time they’ve really known each other scares her but what bothers her the most is that she doesn’t know where their relationship stands.

Do they even have a relationship? Or are they still just friends with feelings for each other trying to work things out? The ambiguity rests uneasily in the pit of her stomach.

\--

ASHLYN: _what time are you done classes today? wanna have dinner?_

ALI: _6 but i cant. i forgot that i signed up for a study group today and it’s from 7 to 9 :(_

ASHLYN: _boo. text me later then if its not too late_

ALI: _ok :)_

\--

Kelley and Alex’s room is a disaster zone. There’s dirty and clean laundry scattered all over the floor, shoes in every corner possible, and between the two of them, they have enough hair products to open a small hair salon.

Ashlyn avoids being in there but she needs to get back a text book she leant to Kelley and she promised she’d walk to class with Alex since they’re both going to the same building.

She uncomfortably sits on the edge of Alex’s bed.

“Um, I think Kelley said the book was on her desk.” Alex ruffles through all the junk that has accumulated on it. “Here.”

“Thanks. Is this really how you guys live? It’s…gross.”

“Shut up. Like your room is any cleaner.”

“Actually, it is. I can actually see my floor.”

This is the first genuine laugh that Ashlyn and Alex have shared and dissolves any tension that was previously between them. It’s not that they don’t like each other because they are in fact friends. They’re just two different people that have very different opinions and that sometimes makes it feel like they’re walking on eggshells around each other.

Alex is the kind of person to quickly pick out the flaws in other people whether or not she intends to and even though she’s not the most insightful or intellectual individual, she can read a person with such ease. It terrifies Ashlyn because that’s exactly the type of person she would have avoided in high school.

“So what’s going on with you and Ali?”

All of the air escapes Ashlyn’s lungs and she’s positive her face is the same shade of red as Alex’s lipstick.

“What do you mean?” 

“Don’t act like you don’t know. Kelley told me about that awkward conversation she had with Ali yesterday and I’m sure Ali told you about it too.”

Ashlyn flashes her a look of _I really don’t know what you’re talking about,_ but Alex isn’t buying it at all.

“Oh come on. Could you two be more obvious? One time I saw you staring at her for so long, I thought maybe you might pass out or something. And then when she finally looked at you, you looked away so fast…”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Is it, though?”

“Yeah, it is. Now can you hurry up?” They’re back to walking on eggshells again and whatever sense of camaraderie that was just between them has vaporized. “You’re going to make me late.”

Alex digs a pair of shoes out from under her bed and puts them on. “I mean, it’s totally cool if you guys are, you know…”

“Can you stop, please? Me and Ali are just friends.” Ashlyn immediately cringes when she hears the _friends_ come out of her mouth and it’s exactly at this moment that she knows she wants to give Ali more than just friendship. She begins walking towards the door.

“Is that why you turned down that date with Jeff?”

It takes everything that Ashlyn has to remain composed. She remembers how defensive she got last time it was brought up and makes her wish that the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

She slowly turns around gripping her textbook so hard she might actually crush it.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It just…” there’s a sudden change in Alex’s demeanor, like she’s scared and regretting what she just said. “…kind of adds up?”

“It adds up? What is that supposed to mean?” It’s like high school all over again and Ashlyn is angry. She’s angry because even though Alex is spot on, she’s making accusations based off of something she doesn’t really know. “Just because I didn’t want to go on a date with a guy I didn’t know, there’s suddenly…something going on between me and Ali?”

“I don’t understand why you’re getting so mad.”

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything. She silently fumes wishing she’d never stepped foot in Alex’s room.

Despite not saying anything, Alex knows. She could sense the tension between Ashlyn and Ali even before Kelley could. She had wanted bring it up for the longest time but knew it wasn’t her place or if it even mattered.

“Ash, it’s okay, you know? It’s really not a big deal.”

Ashlyn wants to start backpedaling. She wants to fight her way out of this situation and convince both Alex and Kelley that nothing is going on and go back to hiding in her closest. She stops herself.

It’s now or never.

She can dig and dig her grave until she can’t come back out but even she knows that’s unhealthy. She remembers that the her whole intention in moving across the country was so she could start over and have people accept her for who she is and now the moment is presenting itself to her on a silver platter.

“So what if there _is_ something going on between us?” 

“Then it’s whatever. What’s there to be ashamed of? Ali’s hot, you’re hot.”

Ashlyn rolls her eyes but feels the tension in her shoulders release. “Nothing, I guess. If I tell you something else, will you promise to keep it between the two of us?”

Alex nods.

“I’m serious, you can’t tell anyone. Especially Kelley.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“I’m gay, Alex. And so is Ali.”

\-- 

Alex stands up and casually gathers all the things she needs for class, like nothing just happened.

“Both of you?”

“Um, yes.” It quickly dawns on Ashlyn that maybe she shouldn’t have said anything about Ali. Now she’s feeling like a hypocrite and the panic is setting in.

“Well I didn’t see _that_ coming.”

“And…”

“And nothing? It’s cool, I don’t care.”

“Oh.” Everything in Ashlyn goes light again she feels a sense of relief wash over her. “But you still can’t tell Kelley. And I don’t even know if I should have told you about Ali.”

“It’s okay, Ash. I won’t say anything.”

\--

It’s been almost two days since Ashlyn and Ali have seen each other; not like that’s a long time, but given recent circumstances, it feels like a lifetime. It’s not for a lack of trying but their days are completely opposite and Ali’s study group went longer than she expected. She tried to see Ashlyn when she got back, but she had already fallen asleep.

Ashlyn’s sleep hasn’t been as peaceful as she would like it to be. It’s restless and light and it’s mostly her conscience that keeps her up; the fact that she outed Ali to Alex, someone that she’s not even close to, is enough to make her feel like a jackass.

When they do briefly see each on the way downstairs, Ashlyn’s guilt starts to eat at her but she doesn’t say anything.

\--

They stop and hide in the stairwell where no one can see them. The off-white fluorescent lighting combined with the sound of the electrical buzz creates an eerie feeling but it’s soon forgotten when Ali backs Ashlyn into the railing and kisses her.

Time stands still all over again when it’s just the two of them and they kiss like long lost lovers that have been separated for years only stopping when their lungs desperately crave oxygen.

“Hey, are you free today?” Ashlyn pants, her face red again but this time for a different reason.

“Yeah, I’m done at 2:30, why?”

“Want to meet me in the arboretum? I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh. Should I be worried?”

“No.” Ashlyn kisses her again. “Well, maybe. But it’s not bad…I don’t think.”

Ali raises an eyebrow quizzically.

“Just meet me there?”

Ashlyn gets her reply in the form of one more kiss.

\--

Ali sits under their usual tree waiting for Ashlyn to get there. She’s been anxious all day knowing that Ashlyn wants to talk to her about something. She knows from past experiences that that’s never a good thing, but Ashlyn said not to worry so she tries.

Ten minutes later, a distraught looking Ashlyn finally shows up. She takes a seat beside Ali and almost feels guilty when she kisses her.

“Are you okay?” Ali reaches for her hand and kisses the middle of her palm.

“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. I need to tell you something and I’m scared you might hate me after.”

“I could never hate you even if I tried.”

It’s reassuring but she still hesitates before speaking.

“I told Alex you were gay.”

“You told her I was gay?”

“I mean, I told her I was gay too but it just kind of slipped out that you were as well and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Please don’t hate me I already hate myself and I haven’t slept for the past two nights because of it.”

Ashlyn’s heart is beating so hard she can feel it in her eyes and she has to close to them make the pounding go away. She only reopens them when she feels Ali hand against her face and hears a quiet giggle escape right by her ear.

“It’s okay. I was going to tell Kelley anyways and you know just as well as I do that she can’t keep a secret.”

“So you’re not mad?” 

“Why would I be? It’s who I am. Just because I don’t openly tell people doesn’t mean I’m trying to hide it. But more importantly, you came out to _Alex?”_

Ashlyn exhales loudly; this is not at all the reaction she was expecting to get but it’s these little things that let her know that she’s definitely falling for her too.

“Yeah, it just sort of happened but she seemed really unaffected by it so that’s good, I guess.”

“It’s great. Did she tell Kelley?”

“Well, I told her not to.”

“I’m really proud of you, Ash. I know what a huge step that was for you.”

Ali leans closer and kisses Ashlyn on the cheek letting her lips rest there for several seconds and Ashlyn feels the way she smiles into her face when she leans back into it. 

Ashlyn’s a lot braver than she expected herself to be considering it’s broad daylight and there are people walking about. She attributes it to _The Ali Effect_ though, something she made up in the midst of her restless nights. She makes a mental note to tell Ali about another time.

\-- 

Ali follows closely behind when Ashlyn gets up and starts skipping stones into the pond. It was something her and Chris did all time as kids; they would even make competitions out of it. But now, years later, it has a calming, therapeutic effect on her, which gets her in the right frame of mind for what she’s about to ask Ali.

Ashlyn can’t contain her laughter when Ali’s attempt at skipping a stone goes terribly awry, narrowly missing a basking duck and resulting in a loud splash.

“Hey,” she says in between laughs, but it quickly turns serious. “There’s something else I wanted to talk about too.”

“Oh, should I be worried this time?”

“No.” Ashlyn picks up a stone and hands it to Ali so she can try again. “I just need to know where we stand.”

Ali flicks the stone in the water and it skips twice. She thinks she knows what Ashlyn is getting at, but asks anyways, just to be sure. “How do you mean?”

“Are we friends? More than friends? What are we? I need to know.” 

Ali stops and turns toward Ashlyn; she really doesn’t hide her nervousness well at all and it tugs at Ali’s heart strings in a good way that she makes her feel like that.

“Well I thought it was pretty obvious after the first time we kissed. And maybe you forgot the part where I told you I was falling for you?”

“So…”

“So that means I want to be more than just your friend. I want to be the person you tell all your secrets to. I want to be the person that can make you smile when no one else can. I want you to be able to be yourself around me in all of your unashamed glory. I want you to be my girlfriend, Ashlyn.”

Everything goes quiet and the world around them disappears. Before Ashlyn even has time to fully react, Ali launches herself at her and steals her breath away with a kiss that speaks a thousand words.

\--

That night, Ashlyn sleeps better than she ever has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She not religious but she says a silent prayer."

The whole girlfriend thing could not have come at a worse time.

They’re in the core of their midterms and barely have time for each other. Just as Ashlyn promised herself, she spends as much time in the library as possible. Ali goes too, sometimes, but Ashlyn makes her sit as far away as she can because she knows she won’t get any work done with her nearby.

And when do they have time for each other, it’s always cut short because one of them has to be somewhere or someone interrupts them. It was a close call when Patrick, one of their floormates, almost walked in on them while Ali was sitting on Ashlyn’s lap with Ashlyn’s hand up the back of her shirt and lips at her throat.

Luckily, Ali has cat-like reflexes and hopped off before he saw anything. They make a promise to start locking their doors when they’re alone.

\-- 

“Lower. Lower. Okay, now to the right. Mmm, yes.”

Ali’s lying on her stomach on Ashlyn’s bed, her face buried into her fluffy down pillow. The weight of Ashlyn straddling the back of her hips and the way her hands are slowly and torturously making their way around her spine is making things more intimate than they should be and heating things up fast. Ashlyn softly massages the part on Ali’s back to which she has been directed to and is rewarded with a muffled moan.

It’s the first time in almost four days they’ve had more than 30 minutes together and all they want to do is enjoy each other’s company; they have at least another two hours until Ali has another midterm and Ashlyn is more than willing to give her now girlfriend a back rub.

Ashlyn lowers her hands down to Ali’s sides and squeezes them playfully, unbeknownst to the loud shriek and almost violent thrash that is about to escape her. It’s so unexpected that she jumps a little and starts laughing her self. In the midst of the laughter, Ali manages to roll herself onto her back, all the while confined between Ashlyn’s legs.

She likes this view of Ashlyn; she looks dominant and fearless and it’s more than sexy. It’s a view she could get used to and she’s finding it harder and harder to breath when Ashlyn draws her hand down centre of her torso starting at the base of her neck. She stops at hem of her t-shirt, pulls it up, and traces a circle around her belly button with her finger feeling her shiver beneath her.

Ali stills her hand by grabbing her wrist. “Don’t start something you can’t finish.”

Ashlyn holds her hands up feigning innocence but her eyes say differently. She bites her lip and can’t help the subtle arch in her back when Ali runs her fingertips up her thighs. One finger hooks into a belt loop on her pants, while her other hand reaches up and grabs her by the collar of her shirt and pulls her down.

They waste no time in reacquainting their mouths and letting their hands wander. It’s as soon as Ali is about to yank Ashlyn’s shirt off that her phone starts vibrating on the nightstand.

“Ugh,” they groan simultaneously and Ashlyn let’s her body fall limp against Ali’s.

“Who is it?”

Ashlyn hoists herself up and looks. “Uh, your mom.”

Ali freezes, but just as quickly pushes Ashlyn off of her, sits up and grabs her phone. She stares at the word “Mom” on the screen and feels her mouth go dry.

“You going to answer that?”

The sudden change in Ali’s body language worries Ashlyn, who is perched on her knees beside her.

“Al?” She puts a hand on her shoulder but Ali stands up.

“I…uh…sorry. Please stay.” Ali doesn’t look back and walks out the door leaving it open behind her.

Ashlyn can hear her running down the stairs but she’s completely at a loss for what just happened so she doesn’t immediately follow her out. It feels like a slap in the face that Ali told her not to follow her but she’s not about to brush this off without an explanation. Usually she’s the one running away and now that the roles have been reversed, she doesn’t know what to do. She waits a while before chasing after her, although by then it’s not much of a chase.

\--

Ali doesn’t stray too far from the building. She walks a few yards and takes a seat under a shady patch of grass in the quad. She does her best to block out the noise of the mingling students.

Her heart is pounding and her mind is racing. This is the first time in almost a year that her mother has tried to contact her and her brain is wracked trying to come up with reasons as to why she’s randomly calling. She hopes and prays that it’s not some kind of family emergency but when several minutes pass and there’s no voicemail or following text, she relaxes a little.

Most of Ali’s family and friends took well to her coming out. It wasn’t a huge surprise but her mother had a difficult time adjusting. She tried so hard to understand and be accepting, but with time they grew further and further apart. It hurt Ali so much to the point where she eventually suppressed it and just never thought or talked about it. It only made things harder because she was living with her father at time and barely saw her mom to begin with.

The worst part of it all was that her brother was and still is living in New York; the one person that could have maybe made things better was him, but he was too far away. The distance makes things hard and Ali still holds some resentment towards him because he wasn’t there when she needed him.

\--

As much as it pains Ali to hear her mother’s voice, she reluctantly unlocks her phone and pulls up her number. She not religious but she says a silent prayer before hitting the dial button.

“Alexandra?” The voice on the other end is quiet and unsure. “Hello?”

“M-mom?”

“Alex, is that you?”

“Mom, what is it?”

Ali can’t help the sudden anger that’s building within her. She wants to lash out and start screaming but holds her composure; she’s almost grateful that she’s out in public because she might not be able to hold back a slew of profanities otherwise.

“I miss you, sweetheart. Can’t a mother check up on her daughter?”

“ _Really?_ It’s been a _year._ Why are you calling me?”

“Alexandra, I miss you so much. I just want to make things right again.” Ali remains silent; hands trembling. “How are you?”

“Fine.” The coldness in Ali’s voice is enough to send a shiver down her mother’s spine, who is halfway across the country.

“Will you come home for Thanksgiving? And see me?”

“Is that why you called me? You want me to come home?”

“Well…yes. So will you?”

“That depends. Are you actually going to speak to me? Or treat me like an outcast again?”

Her mother’s voice cracks on the other end. “Please, Alex. I’m so sorry. Just come home?”

Of course Ali is going to go home; she knows she can’t deny her own mother. As much bitterness and anger she holds towards her, somewhere deep inside of her, she loves her very much and misses her more than she knows. 

“I have to go. “

“Alexand—“ 

“I’ll call you later.”

\--

Ashlyn steps outside and immediately spots Ali. It’s kind of hard to miss her in her orange t-shirt and with the way that the breeze blows her hair to one side.

She can’t see her face, but she can tell by the uncharacteristic slump in her shoulders and they way her head is tilted downwards that she’s not okay.

“Hey…Al…” She creeps closer slowly, not wanting to startle her. The look of dejection in Ali’s eyes is enough to make Ashlyn’s heart sink into her stomach. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to run away like that.”

Ashlyn sits down in front of her but doesn’t touch her.

“It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, maybe. But I have to leave for my midterm soon. Can I stay with you tonight?”

“You know you don’t have to ask.”

\--

Ashlyn should be studying for her next midterm, which is tomorrow afternoon but instead, she’s watching _Mean Girls_ with Kelley in the common room. It’s about the hundredth time they’ve each seen the movie but they still laugh like it’s the first. 

They’re curled up on opposite ends of the couch in partial darkness; the only light coming from the streetlights outside. It’s not a huge couch, but there’s enough space between them for one more person.

\--

ALI: _hey where are you?  
_ ASHLYN: _common room with kel. watching mean girls, come  
_ ALI: _but i’m tiiiired  
_ ASHLYN: _i know but i just can’t leave. just come it’s almost over_

 _\--_

“Sup, Al?” Kelley raises her hand for a high five as Ali walks by, to which she reciprocates.

“Hey Kel. Ash.” She takes a seat and without thinking, cuddles right next to Ashlyn.

Ashlyn tenses up slightly because to her knowledge, Kelley doesn’t know about them yet. Neither does Alex, actually. All she knows is that they’re both gay, not that they’re together. But it’s dark enough that she thinks Kelley might not notice how close their sitting and the way Ali’s hand falls into her lap.

She does though, but she’s smart enough to not say anything.

The lightness of Ali’s fingertips tracing invisible patterns on the inside of Ashlyn’s thigh is enough to make her blood start moving faster and the hairs on her neck stand up. She traps Ali’s hand against her thigh with her own hand and shoots her a cautionary stare.

“Not here,” she whispers, but it’s not as quiet as she thinks and Kelley hears.

As usual, she is wise to keep her mouth shut and pretends to notice.

\--

“’Night, Kel.” Ashlyn yawns as Kelley heads back into her room.

“Peace out.”

It’s creepy and she knows that but Kelley coyly watches Ashlyn and Ali walk down the hall together. When they think that Kelley is inside, Ali reaches for Ashlyn’s hand and Ashlyn pulls her into her room. The door closes but even from down the hall, Kelley can hear the click of the lock.

\--

Once again, their night ends heated make-out session. It’s still all very innocent though; their shirts are the only article of clothing that ever come off but it’s enough for now, for Ashlyn anyways.

It takes all of Ali’s will power to not let her hands meander any lower than they should but sometimes, when she gets to the waistband of Ashlyn’s pants, she can’t help but let her fingers creep below it. She never goes too far to the point where Ashlyn has to say stop, she has more respect than that, but she knows soon enough, when Ashlyn has the confidence, it’ll happen. 

“Wait, Ali.”

“No. Don’t…want…to.” she murmurs into Ashlyn neck, not about to break her lips from the surface of her skin.

“Al, please.”

Ali stops and lifts her head up and looks into Ashlyn’s eyes, which have turned a slightly darker shade of hazel.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just want to know what happened earlier today.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve never seen you that upset before.”

Ali rolls off of Ashlyn and onto her back and Ashlyn turns on her side, propping herself up on her elbow.

“It’s a long story. Do you really want to know?”

“Of course I want to know, I have all night. And I’m your girlfriend, aren’t I?”

It quickly dawns on Ashlyn that maybe she’s not the best girlfriend because up until now, Ali has never spoken about her mother and she’s never even bothered to ask. She feels guilty and like a hypocrite again after all the time Ali spent trying to get her to open up.

“I don’t have the best relationship with my mother. I haven’t talked to her in almost a year so when she called today, I freaked out. I thought maybe there was an emergency but there wasn’t.”

“Wait, a whole _year?_ ” Ashlyn’s guilt rises and she feels so selfish for not knowing any of this. “I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this.”

“Don’t feel bad. I hide it really well because I don’t like talking about it. Part of me suppressed for a really long time too so…”

“Why did you stop talking?” 

“She hated that I was gay. She tried to understand but eventually drove herself away from me.” Ali shrugs, staring at the ceiling the entire time.

“Were your parents divorced before this happened?”

“Yeah, I was seven or eight when that happened. I lived with my dad the majority of my life though.”

“Was he supportive?”

Ali smiles and a pang of nostalgia hits her. She makes a mental reminder to call him soon because it’s been almost a week since they last spoke. “Yeah, he was the best. I think he knew for a really long time but he didn’t even question it when I came out. Kyle was great too, but then he moved to New York a few weeks later and that’s when I moved in with my mom.”

Ashlyn listens and watches intently at the way Ali’s facial expression changes from when she’s talking about her dad to her mom. The furrow between her eyebrows deepens and the light in her eyes fades, and its like a blanket of sadness falls over her.

“Ali…” Ashlyn places a hand over her chest and Ali interlocks her fingers with hers.

“It was okay at first, we never really talked about it so I just assumed she was trying to adjust or whatever. But then she slowly started shutting me out. She never asked me about my day and her responses were always so short. Then one day she found out I was seeing this girl, and that was when all hell silently broke loose.”

Ali closes her eyes tightly like she’s trying to make the memories go away and it makes Ashlyn want to slap herself in the face.

“What happened? Who was the girl?”

“Her name was Julia. She was a friend of a friend but we got close pretty fast and eventually start dating and my mom _hated_ it.”

“So what did she do?”

“Nothing, at first. She kept quiet about it but I knew it was eating her alive. Then one day she just sort of lost it and started screaming at me and saying how wrong it was and that I should end it. That was my tipping point and I moved back with my dad.”

A single tear rolls down Ali’s face and it nearly shatters Ashlyn’s heart. She leans forward and kisses it away and Ali tries to subdue her smile, but can’t. Ashlyn always makes her smile. 

“Did you end it? For your mom, I mean.”

“Of course I did. I was young and naive and her approval meant so much to me, so yeah.”

“Did you love her?”

“My mom?”

“No, Julia.”

Ali rolls onto her side and Ashlyn lowers herself back down onto the pillow so that their noses are just barely touching; it’s how they like to talk at night.

“Not even a little bit. I mean, yeah, I really liked her but did I love her? No. Things never got that serious between us. I don’t think she even cared when I broke up with her.” 

“Was that the only girlfriend you ever had?”

“No.”

“Who was the other one?”

Ali places a finger over Ashlyn’s nose. “You, silly girl.”

A bashful smile tugs at Ashlyn’s face. She doesn’t have to move very far until she feels Ali’s lips on hers and her arm wrap around her waist.

“So why did your mom call then?”

“She wants me to come home for Thanksgiving so she can make things right again.”

“Oh, well that’s good, isn’t it?”

Ali breathes out a sigh and more tears start to form in her eyes. She’s so embarrassed that she turns all the way around so Ashlyn can’t see her and lets the moisture run across her face.

“Hey,” Ashlyn doesn’t let go, she only holds on tighter and pulls her closer. “Remember last week when you said you were here for me and not going anywhere? And remember when you said you wanted to be the person I told all my secrets too? Well it goes both ways. I’m so sorry if for whatever reason, I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me any of this, and I’m so sorry that I never even bothered to ask.”

Ali turns back around.

“Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for. This was all on me, okay? Do _not_ feel bad.”

“But I do—“

In an attempt to silence Ashlyn, Ali swings a leg over her hips, rolling her onto her back and pins her arms above her head. “No, don’t,” she says with tears still clouding her vision.

She lowers her head to Ashlyn’s and kisses her firmly, letting her know that everything is okay.

"Okay."

\--

This time, it’s Ali that falls asleep with tears in her eyes. She knows that between the two of them, they have plenty of issues to work out, but it makes things easier now that they have each other. She’s almost thankful that her mother called today because had she not, who knows how long she would have kept all her anger bottled up inside of her, and who knows how she would have taken it out.

The subtle rise and fall of Ashlyn’s chest on Ali back and the way her breath is tickling her neck lulls her into a state of dreaminess. She gently pulls Ashlyn’s arms tighter around her, careful not to wake her up.

With that, she let’s the hush of darkness soothe away the pain she didn’t know she had been harbouring.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali gets the release she's been looking for.

“So we won’t see each other for like, almost four days?”

Ashlyn pouts as she pulls Ali around on the longboard. She has the rental for one more day and doesn’t it want it to go to waste. The parking lot is fuller than it was last time but it makes weaving around the cars all the more fun, much to Ali’s discomfort.

Really, four days isn’t that long but after being inseparable for close to three months, it seems like an impossible feat.

“Yeah. But I mean, you’ll be in Florida, I’ll be in Virginia, at least we’re in the same time zone, right?”

“I guess, but it’s not the same.”

“I know, but we’ll text and call and before you know it we’ll be together again.” Ali tightens her grip on Ashlyn’s shoulders the faster she goes. “Slow down!”

 _Together again._ It has a nice ring to it and an emboldening effect on Ashlyn.

It’s not until she feels Ali’s fingernails digging into her shoulders that she finally slows down. And she’s laughing when she sees the panic written all over her face.

“I’m going to teach you how to ride this on your own one day.”

“But what if I don’t want to learn?”

“It’s part of the deal. No longboard, no girlfriend.”

Ali scoffs lightheartedly. “Is that so? Well then, I guess I’m learning how ride this dumb thing then.”

“Hey, it’s not dumb.” Ashlyn retorts but she knows Ali is only joking.

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” The increasing of the tightness on Ashlyn’s shoulders signals for her to stop. When she does, Ali leans down and kisses her quickly and softly on the lips and all is forgiven.

\--

“Are you nervous?”

Ali is sitting on the floor when she looks up from her suitcase, which is stuffed with enough clothes for two weeks. She hadn’t really thought much about it but now that it’s been brought it up, she _is_ nervous, but she tries to not let on.

“For what?”

“Seeing your mom, silly, what else?”

There’s no response from Ali as she absentmindedly and repeatedly smooths out a non-existent wrinkle on a t-shirt. She can’t bring herself to fully acknowledge it so she continues to throw random things in her bag that she doesn’t really need.

“You’re allowed to be nervous, you know?”

Still nothing.

Ashlyn gets off the bed and plants herself between Ali and her suitcase grabbing her hands and forcing her to look at her. She isn’t used to being in control or the stronger one but she does know how Ali is feeling and it’s her duty as her girlfriend to support her.

“What if she hates me?”

“She won’t and doesn’t hate you, Ali. No one could hate you, especially your own mother.”

“Then why did she push me away like that?”

Ashlyn shakes her head holds out her hands with nothing to offer. “I don’t know. But I do know she’ll get over it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because. My mom wasn’t thrilled either when I came out but she came around. Sure, it took some adjusting and there was awkwardness but it all worked out in the end. We’ve never been closer.”

Ali looks down and picks at the seam of the jeans. She wants to be as optimistic as Ashlyn but her anger is so deep rooted that she doesn’t know if she can truly let go.

“Hey,” Ashlyn tilts her head with her finger, “it’ll be okay. I promise.”

All the talk about her mother only stresses Ali out more and there’s only one thing that’ll help her calm down so she grabs a fistful of Ashlyn’s shirt, immediately silencing her, and pulls her close until the softness of her lips is pressed against hers.

“Mmm,” Ali hums out.

They stay quiet for a moment while she lets Ashlyn help her forget about her anger with the gentleness and now expertise of her tongue. It’s not until Ali feels the warmth of Ashlyn’s hands resting on her thighs a little higher than usual that she’s faced with another dilemma that she’s tried to forget about.

It’s her sexual frustration.

\--

It’s not like Ali is used to having regular sex, but she’s had it enough times to know that she’s missing it and needs it. Her heart races and her face flushes every time Ashlyn touches her the right way whether it's accidental or purposely. And every night after a long and heated make-out session that just abruptly ends when they realize how late it is, Ali is left with a perpetual feeling of agitation. With Ashlyn so close in proximity, it only makes things worse.

As inexperienced as Ashlyn is, she can’t deny the fire that’s been burning deep in her stomach ever since they first kissed. It sparked a current within her and with every following kiss, fleeting touch, and lingering glance, the stronger it gets; and when Ali has her hands on her in the same spot for too long, she feels like screaming.

\--

“Stop.”

Ali’s voice is barely a whisper against Ashlyn’s lips. She pulls her head back only to have Ashlyn follow her forward in an attempt to not break the kiss.

She’s caught up in the heat of the moment but is fully aware of the fact that her hand is now resting on the side of Ali’s hip, skin on skin. When she splays her hand out to cover more surface, Ali’s breath catches in her throat and she places a hand to Ashlyn’s chest and lightly eases her off.

“What?” says Ashlyn, confused and still in a daze from the way that Ali always manages to steal her breath.

“Nothing, I—I—“

“You what? Did I do something?” 

“No! No.” Ali’s embarrassed now. How exactly does she tell Ashlyn that she’s driving her crazy and just wants to have her way with her? She scrambles to find the right words. “You’re just so… soft… your hands… you make me so…” she mumbles off, almost ashamed.

The words are all over the place much like her thoughts but Ashlyn immediately knows what she’s getting at and now she’s feeling embarrassed too. She sits back and tucks her hands into her lap, not sure of what to say.

It’s the first time since they’ve made things official that they have to sit through an awkward silence.

“You know that I want to, I just—“ Ashlyn finally murmurs out.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to rush you. Sometimes I wish you weren’t so damn attractive.”

Ashlyn snorts and looks away.

“You _are_ , Ash.” It breaks Ali's heart to see that Ashlyn is still self-deprecating and it makes her wish she could have been there to protect her during her high school years from all the people that made her feel that way.

She crawls to Ashlyn and sits herself sideways in her lap, even if it means having to endure her torturous and tantalizing touches. She drapes one arm around her shoulders and places her other hand around her cheek.

“You is kind, you is smart…” Ali waits until she sees the dimple appear on Ashlyn’s face before continuing. “…you is important, and I think they left out a very important line…you is _beautiful."_  

Ashlyn simply laughs as she lifts Ali off of her and places her back on the floor in front of her suitcase.

“Okay, Casanova. Maybe you should keep packing, you have a plane to catch soon.”

\-- 

“I’ll probably still be on the plane when you land but text me when you do, okay?”

Ashlyn pulls Ali into a tight hug like it’s the last time she’ll never see her. It’s over dramatic and they both know it but Ali doesn’t let up any easier than she does.

“I will. And you call me when you get to Florida, okay?”

“Mhm,” Ashlyn purrs into her neck leaving a kiss there at the same time. There are a lot of people out and about today so she does it as discreetly as possible.

“Okay, I’ll see you on Monday, then.”

Ali waves at her from the window of Jeff’s car as they pull away.

\--

Much to Ashlyn’s dismay, she finds herself in Kelley and Alex’s room again. She didn’t think it was possible but it’s even messier than it was last time. The pile of dirty laundry in the corner of the room has nearly doubled in size but with Alex already home for the weekend, their supply of hair products has significantly diminished.

With a few more hours to kill until her flight and with Ali gone and her assignments done and out of the way, Ashlyn doesn’t know what to do. She unceremoniously flings herself onto Kelley’s bed – she’s gotten a lot more comfortable around her lately – and watches her as she attempts to clear a spot on the floor for her duffel bag.

“So you must really miss Ali, huh?”

“Um…” Ashlyn’s face reddens slightly. “What?”

“Come _on_.” Kelley turns on her knees and looks out of her window that directly faces into the quad. “I can see everything from here. The way you guys hugged for like five minutes? Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t have to.

“So how long have you two been fucking, then?”

“Kelley!” Ashlyn grabs a pillow and whips it at her with full force, knocking her over. “Why are you always so vulgar?”

“Woah, anger.” Kelley picks herself back up. “I mean, how long are you going to try and hide it? Because you’re not doing a very good job.”

Ashlyn rolls her eyes at her but Kelley just rolls them back, instigating a fit of laughter.

“We’re not _fucking_ ,” Ashlyn finally says, but she can’t bring herself to hold Kelley’s gaze any longer. “We’re—um—together.”

“Together?”

“Yes, do you know what together means?”

Kelley throws the pillow back at Ashlyn. “Your sarcasm is not welcomed here. So wait. You’re like…dating then? Like…girlfriends?”

“Yes…” Ashlyn answers cautiously because she can sense the excitement rising in Kelley and she’s trying to not make a huge deal out of it. But it’s too late because Kelley’s on her feet and jumping up and down.

“Oh my god! You guys are dating! Oh my god! Who knows? Does Alex know? Does Patrick know? Everything makes sense now!”

Ashlyn springs to her feet and quickly covers Kelley’s mouth with her hand.

“Kelley, please! Calm down!” It’s typical of her to react like this and Ashlyn should have seen it coming. “The only other person who probably knows is Alex and can we keep it like that for now?”

She removes her hand only to find a beaming Kelley. Her smile is so wide that she thinks Kelley’s face might actually crack.

“What do you mean probably?”

“I didn’t exactly say the words ‘we’re dating’ but I think she figured it out. And what do _you_ mean ‘everything makes sense now’?”

“You guys are just so obvious. I saw you holding hands and pulling Ali into your room at like midnight. The way you cuddled during the movie and the way that Ali got so awkward last time I tried to ask her. I mean, _really._ I could go on.” 

There’s nothing else that Ashlyn can say that might sway Kelley in the other direction but she quickly realizes that she doesn’t want to anymore. It’s a lost cause but another weight lifted off of her shoulders. She falls back onto Kelley’s bed, covering her eyes with her arm.

“This doesn’t make things weird, does it?”

“No way! I think it’s great! But now that means I’m the only single one.”

Ashlyn laughs. “Well maybe we can set you up with Jeff or something.” And she only laughs harder when she sees the bright shade of red Kelley’s face turns. 

\--

It’s a lot cooler in Virginia than it is in California.

Ali of all people should know considering it _is_ where she grew up, but her lack of foresight has rendered her without a coat while she waits for her dad to pick her up from the airport.

She won’t get to see her mother until tomorrow night so until then, she’ll spend the rest of the night and the next day catching up with her dad. A huge part of her wishes Kyle wasn’t in New York but he is and won’t be home until at least Christmas. She’ll just have to make do without him but she has a good enough relationship with her dad that it softens the blow.

\-- 

ALI: _hey! i’m home! just waiting for my dad to get me. call me when you land!_

\--

Dinner with her dad is quiet and relaxing. It’s home cooked of course, just as Ali requested and it’s all of her favourite things without her even having to ask for it. She’s trying her hardest to not think about the fact that this time tomorrow, she’ll probably be eating dinner with her mother.

“Something’s on your mind. What is it?”

Ali spears a green bean and slowly nibbles at it. “Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Alexandra, I’ve known you for almost 20 years. I know when something is wrong.”

“When was the last time you talked to mom?”

Her dad takes a long sip of his wine. “I knew that was coming. She called me the other day, you know?”

“What did she say?”

“She only wants to fix things with you. She feels terrible about everything that happened.”

The look and tone of voice her father gives her is enough to make her forgive every awful thing her mother has said and done right this minute. His charisma is Ali’s weakness because she’s never been able to say no or challenge him.

She swirls her fork in her mashed potatoes but doesn’t say anything.

“Give her a chance, Alex.”

“Fine.”

\--

Ali lays on the couch with her head on her dad’s lap watching TV, the same way she used to when she was a kid. After a long five hour flight and a lack of recent sleep, she can feel the wine from dinner starting to cloud her thoughts. It makes her face warm and the rest of her body tingly.

She excuses herself when Ashlyn finally calls her.

“Hey,” she whispers quietly into the phone as she ducks into dining room.

“Hey, I just landed. What are you doing?” Ashlyn’s voice is slightly muffled.

“Nothing, I’m just watching TV with my dad. Probably going to go to bed soon. How was your flight?”

“Long. I slept mostly. I miss you already though.”

“I miss you too,” and Ali can practically hear the way Ashlyn smiles into the phone.

“Okay, I see Chris. I have to go. Call me tomorrow?”

“Yep. Goodnight, Ash.”

\--

Ali’s father looks up from the TV only to see his daughter with a goofy smile plastered on her face.

“Who was that?”

“Oh, um, that was Ashlyn.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Who’s Ashlyn?” And when Ali can’t come up with an answer right away, he knows. “Ooh, does Ali have a new friend?”

“Dad!”

“It is my civic duty as your father to be well informed of the people in your life, so spill.”

“Ugh,” she walks back over to the couch. “She’s my—uh—“

He silently urges her on.

“...girlfriend.”

Ali knows it’s okay to relax when he smiles. “Hey, we’ve been through this before. As long as you are happy, I don’t care who you date, okay?”

“Thanks, dad.” She kisses him on the cheek. She knew there was a reason she was closer with her dad than her mom. “Can I go to bed? I’m tired.”

“Yes, go. But don’t sleep in for too long tomorrow, I want to take you out.”

“Yes, sir,” Ali salutes before running up to her room.

\--

ALI: _i have a lot more room to move around in my bed without you here :P_  
ASHLYN: _don’t get used to it ;)_  
ALI: _i do miss my goodnight kisses though…_

When the next text that comes through is a picture of Ashlyn with her lips puckered and a more than sultry look in her eyes, a sudden rush of blood races to Ali's head. The way her collarbone peaks out from under her covers leaves her imagination running wild and she’s reminded all over again of how frustrated she is.

ALI: _um ms harris, what happened to your shirt?_  
ASHLYN: _wouldn’t you like to know. maybe you should ask where my pants are instead_

Ali stares wide-eyed at her phone; it's so uncharacteristic of Ashlyn to say something like that, but she doesn't question it. She puts her phone down and flips over onto her stomach, groaning into her pillow.

ASHLYN: _i’m kidding i’m wearing pants. but where’s my picture?_

Ali happily obliges and snaps a picture of herself. Her hair is unintentionally disheveled but she’s purposely biting her lip.

ASHLYN: _oh. i think i’ll sleep well tonight_  
ALI: _mhm you better ;) goodnight ashlyn_  
ASHLYN: _night ali_

The warmth of the alcohol combined with where Ashlyn’s picture has taken Ali’s mind makes it almost impossible for her to go to bed without some kind of release. The pillow beneath her head could be put to better use so she pulls it down in between her thighs and clenches them together trying to elude her brain into thinking it's something, or someone else. 

When that doesn't work, she rolls over onto her stomach again all the while keeping the pillow in its place. She’s careful to be quiet because her father is just across the hall, but she slowly starts to gyrate her hips in a circular motion against the buffer that's pressing against the most senstive spot on her body.

The tension grows stronger and stronger but she still can’t find the release she’s looking for so she pulls off her pants; the only thing seperating her from getting what she wants is a thin layer of cotton.

Still, it’s not enough so she frantically opens her phone and pulls up that picture of Ashlyn. She rolls onto her back and ditches the pillow, hurriedly sliding her hand beneath what little fabric is there.

Her breathing becomes more ragged and her fingers glide around with more ease until slow and steady strokes eventually bring her to where she wants to be and it’s not until right now that she realizes just how badly she’s been in withdrawal.

She takes one more look at Ashlyn’s picture before closing her eyes and finally sending herself into an instant state of gratification, however brief it may be. But in those fleeting moments, any prior agitation and stress dissipates and she tries her hardest to not scream Ashlyn's name too loudly.

It takes a moment before her pulse returns to a normal rhythm and her breathing to subside. Of course it’s not a permanent or first choice solution; she can think of a hundred other ways of how she would have preferred tonight to go, but for now, she’ll take what she can get. Even if she has to do it alone.

\-- 

Tonight, Ali goes to bed with Ashlyn on her mind.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The different layers of emotions lace themselves into just four syllables and it bites at Ali’s core."

Ashlyn wakes up with Ali on her mind. She had fallen asleep with her on her mind too and now that she’s noticing the way that her hand is halfway in her pants, her frustration goes up tenfold. 

The picture that Ali had sent her just last night had only worked her up but with only a paper-thin wall separating her room from Chris’, she had no other choice but to just lie there until her exhaustion took over. 

\--

It’s a bittersweet feeling being back in her bedroom.

Ashlyn remembers all the dreaded nights she spent crying under her covers, wishing she could just be like everybody else; wishing she would just be accepted. There are a lot of painful reminders lying around that she wants to get rid of, like the wallet-sized portrait picture from her graduation that’s tacked to her bulletin board. Sure, she’s smiling but only she knows about the pain and suffering behind those eyes.

She cringes and pulls it off, ripping it in half and throwing it into her trashcan. It’s therapeutic but she idly wishes Ali were here to witness it.

They’ve only been separated for less than 24 hours but Ashlyn aches to feel her hands on her heart again.

Not all the memories are entirely bad though. The plaque she received during her last summer at soccer camp is still framed on her wall. _Most Promising Athlete_. It reminiscent of a simpler, more carefree time but part of her still sometimes regrets giving up on soccer. Her heart was never really in it though, especially after her granddad died.

The sudden thought of him makes her chest quickly stiffen, like a bullet of nostalgia was just shot at her. She walks to her dresser and opens the bottom drawer to see if it’s still there.

It is.

It’s the letter that he wrote to Ashlyn while she was soccer camp, just before he had gotten sick. The knot in her stomach tightens and her hands begin to tremble as she removes it from the envelope.

_To my dearest Ashlyn and my favourite granddaughter,_

_I hope you have a wonderful summer at soccer camp and that you make lots of great new friends. Keep practicing as hard as you have been and who knows, maybe one day you’ll get to stand in front of that net with thousands of people watching._

_Until then, I love you very, very much. Oh, and come visit me when you get back, okay?_

_Love,  
_ _Granddad._

Ashlyn traces the words with her fingers; the indents on the page are a gentle reminder that he’s not entirely gone. He is though, but it’s the first time she’s been able to read his letter without crying and she’s proud of herself. The memories still hurt nonetheless but she knows she’s trying her best to move on.

She folds the letter back up but instead of putting it back in the drawer, she tucks into her duffel bag so she can take it back to California. She’ll keep it with _The Catcher in the Rye_ when she eventually gets it back from Ali.

\--

Ali paces back and forth in her room. The floors creek just as loudly as she remembers and she quickly allows herself to laugh at all of the times she tried but failed to sneak out of her house in the middle of the night.

The day is finally here; the first time she’s seeing her mother in almost a year and she’d rather be doing absolutely anything else. Her meticulously thought out speech is completely forgotten; her throat closes up at the mere thought of having an actual conversation with her mom and she’s suddenly wishing she had it in her to just forgive and forget.

It’s not that simple though.

A quick text to Ashlyn will bring her back down the earth, or at least that’s what she’s hoping for.

ALI: _ughhhh this is going to be the worst day ever  
_ ASHLYN: _stop worrying, you’ll be fine. i’ll be thinking about you okay? call me tonight_  

Ali doesn’t reply. She can’t; her thoughts are too scattered. She tucks her phone in her pocket and reluctantly makes her way downstairs where her dad is waiting to take her out to brunch.

\--

“I mean, I don’t want the _details,_ but like, what’s she like?”

Ashlyn cocks her head and absentmindedly stirs her orange juice with her finger. There’s an agitation to way her leg bounces up and down and Chris places his hand on her knee to still her. He’s been talking for the past five minutes but she hasn’t really been paying attention; she heard the question but her thoughts have been too preoccupied.

“Huh?”

“ _Ali,_ dummy. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” Ashlyn flicks the orange juice off her finger into Chris’ direction and he flinches. She doesn’t really know how to answer his question so she blankly stares at him until he says something.

“Do mom and dad know about her?”

“Oh, I figured you would have told them. But yes, I did email mom.”

“What did she say?”

“You really haven’t talked about it?”

Chris shrugs and squints his eyes from the sun coming in from the kitchen window. “I’m not really home much.”

“All I said was that I met a girl Ali who is also gay and that I came out to her. 

“And?”

“And nothing. She said it was great and that she was happy for me.”

It’s not like Ashlyn to be so cryptic around her brother and the frustration is clear on his face. They never kept secrets as kids, but for some reason that she can’t place a finger on she feels the need to be a little more reserved.

“So that’s it? You came out to her, made out a little, and that’s that?”

“Yes…I’m not sure what else you want me to say.” The lack of conviction behind her response doesn’t do anything but annoy Chris even more but he knows better than to test his boundaries. 

“So…”

“So nothing.” Ashlyn knows what Chris is trying to get at; he wants her to say that they’re at least somewhat together and that it’s not just some casual fling that will eventually end up in Ashlyn getting hurt.

“We’re just friends,” she reassures him but she’s only hurting herself.

\--

“Please be nice to your mother. She’s really trying.”

The confine of the car only makes Ali’s anxiety rise. She bites the inside of her cheek until the taste of iron covers her tongue. This is not the kind of weekend she wanted to have and she just wants it to be over.

She stares out of the window and remains silent until they pull into her mother’s driveway. The warmth of her father’s hand encompasses her own and she gives it gives it a quick squeeze.

“Look at me, Ali.” Ali is the name that her friends gave her so he only calls her that when he’s trying to level with her. “She loves you. _Please_ try and work this out. If not for her, do it for me.”

Ali looks at her father dead in the eye and it’s the first in all of her life she thinks she sees tears forming in them; if this means so much to him, she tells herself that she’ll damn well try.

“Okay,” is all she says.

“Thank you. I love you, _Ali_.”

“Love you too, dad.”

\--

Ali doesn’t bother to knock; she never has before and she’s not going to start now; the door is always unlocked anyways. The kitchen tap is running so Ali knows her mother is nearby. She kicks off her shoes loudly letting her know she’s here without actually having to verbalize it.

It works because the tap promptly shuts off and her mother’s head peaks out from around the corner.

They both freeze at first eye contact and all the air gets sucked out of Ali; it feels like the day they got into _that_ fight that forever changed the course of their relationship.

Her mother comes around the corner slowly as if any sudden movements might scare her away, but as soon as she says her name, Ali’s heart stops beating.

“Alex _andra_.”

\--

It’s quiet, it’s guilty, it’s pained. All the different layers of emotions lace themselves into just four syllables and it bites into Ali’s core. And just like that, something inside of her breaks and before she can even think or stop herself, she’s running towards her mother at full speed with tears blinding her vision.

She forgets all of the reasons why she’s mad at her while her arms are locked around her in a vice grip. She cries through all of her anger but it’s when her tears finally subside that she’s not so forgiving and she’s suddenly resenting her mother all over again for making her feel like this.

\--

“So, has it been worth it?” asks Ashlyn’s dad. 

She takes a breath before answering. She’s been anxiously awaiting this conversation with her parents all day and dreading it because she knows they’ll ask about Ali and she doesn’t know if she’s ready to talk about it out loud yet. If the conversation she had with Chris this morning is any indication, it’ll be just as awkward, if not more. Luckily for her, he’s at work right now.

“Every single penny's worth.”

“That’s quite the statement,” her mother says.

“The people are nicer in California…”

“The people?” Her father interjects. “Do you mean…Ali?”

There it is. The sound of her name makes her heart leap into her throat and Ashlyn tries to play it off casually, like it’s nothing, but the comical look on her father’s face only makes her uncomfortable because it’s so out of character for him.

“Well,” and with every passing second, Ashlyn’s face gets hotter and redder, “she’s helped, that's for sure. She’s…cool.”

“I’d say the first person you come out to is more than just  _cool.”_

Ashlyn can’t hide her smile. “Yeah, I guess. She’s pretty fantastic, actually.”

Her parents exchange a quick glance; it’s the first time in a long time they’ve seen Ashlyn so laid back and actually happy that it hurts them that it took her moving so far away to finally see this change.

“So,” her mom adds hesitantly, “are you two…like…a thing?”

It’s the perfect opportunity for Ashlyn to say yes; to lay everything out with her parents but still, there’s just something that won’t let her. It’s not that she doesn’t want to, because she does, badly, but she just _can’t_ and it’s the not knowing why that’s killing her.

“No, we’re just really good friends.”

\--

There’s dinner on the table but Ali has no appetite.

Her mother’s house hasn’t changed a bit from the last time she was there. All the picture frames are in the exact same spot and the empty birdcage still hangs from the ceiling. She remembers Chester, that godforsaken parrot that used to taunt her childhood day and night; the day he flew away was the happiest day of Ali’s life.

Ali can’t bear to look at her mother who is sitting across from her. She cried everything out of her system and now the silence between them only makes the ringing in her ears louder. Her mother doesn’t drink but Ali could really use a glass of wine right about now, or a shot of vodka.

“Why?” The loudness of her own voice startles her.

Ali’s mother looks up. Her eyes are more sunken than they were a year ago and the wrinkles on her forehead and more noticeable. An unexpected but very short-lived sense of compassion passes through Ali at the thought that maybe her mother had been struggling without her.

“Why what?”

“Why was it so easy for you to just shove me aside like that?”

“You think it was _easy_ for me?”

Ali huffs loudly and it’s easier for her mother to pretend that she doesn’t notice her malcontent so she absently toys at the ring on her middle finger.

Half of Ali wants to laugh while the other half wants to breakdown and cry. It’s basically a confession that she _did_ try push her away and it hurts Ali more to have to actually say anything than to remain silent so she bites her tongue and waits.

“If I could go back in time and take back everything I said and did, I would. I would do everything differently.”

“Like what?”

“I would have told you that I loved you – something I never did and I still hate myself for it. And I would have _never_ judged you.”

Ali doesn’t say anything as she tries to gauge the sincerity of her mother’s words. She’s been fooled by them once and she’s not about to let it happen for a second time.

“Alex, I did a lot of things wrong and I’m not proud of any of it. I’ve paid for it all year long.”

The way her voice cracks and drops so low that Ali can barely hear it all of a sudden makes _her_ feel guilty, like maybe she’s been too harsh and unforgiving. Still, she keeps her guard up.

“I wish I could believe you.”

\--

Ali mostly picks at her dinner for the remainder of the night. So many times she just wanted to get up and leave but she made a promise to her father she would try and work it out. It’s not easy, but she swallows her pride and tries again.

“Have you talked to Kyle recently?”

The sudden light in her mother’s eyes only feeds her guilt and makes what little food is in her stomach begin to churn.

“This morning, actually.”

“How is he?”

“You haven’t spoken to him?” Her voice is timid, like she doesn’t even know how to talk to her own daughter anymore.

“He emailed me last week.”

“He’s good. He’ll be home at Christmas time. I hope I can see you then, too.”

Neither of them says anything. Ali continues to twirl single strands of spaghetti onto her fork while her mother awkwardly fidgets in her chair desperately searching for something to talk about.

“Are you happy?” It’s a genuine question and it catches Ali by surprise. “I mean, in general, not with me.”

There’s no hesitation from Ali though. “Yes, very.”

“I’m sorry I’m not a part of that.”

Ali puts her fork down and sips on her water. She takes a chance but figures this is as best a time as ever. If her mother really wants to make things better, her reaction to Ali’s next words will be the difference between whether she stays for the rest of dinner, or bolts out the front door.

“I’m seeing someone.” 

“Oh. Who?”

“ _Her_ name is Ashlyn.” 

There’s a beat of silence and a visible change in her mother’s body language at the mention of the word _‘her’._ Ali has to bite her lip so she doesn’t lash out and say something she’ll end up regretting.

“Is she the reason why you’re so happy?”

“Yes, part of it.”

“I am happy for you then.”

Ali blinks a couple of times waiting for a _“but”,_ but it doesn’t come. Instead, her mother simply smiles and Ali knows that it’s real in the way that the crow’s feet ripple from the corner of her eyes and her shoulders relax.

She finally lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and all the tightness in her chest loosens up.

“Will I ever get to meet her?”

\--

Ali stays for the rest of dinner.

\--

It’s another restless night for Ashlyn but this time it’s not just Ali and the way her hands feel on her body keeping her awake, it’s the fact that she lied to both her brother and her parents about her. And in a way, she’s lied to Ali too.

She’s come so far only to let her own cowardice take her back three steps. The sound of Ali’s voice on the phone doesn’t make things better either; it only makes her feel guiltier but she knows she still has time to remedy the situation.

Until then, she’ll think of her sexual frustration as her karma and she makes a mental note that when she’s back in California, she’ll take matters into her own hands.

Or Ali’s.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...and it makes her forget everything she’s ever believed in."

The flight back from Virginia to California is the longest five hours of Ali’s life but she’s all of a sudden not so fussed about all the extra money she paid for the direct route.

She’s eager to get back to Ashlyn; her leg bounces and her fingers drum the arm rest in anticipation until the lady next to her kindly asks her to stop. She leans her head against the window letting the vibrations lull her into a peaceful state and replays the events of the last four days. 

Of course there’s still awkwardness between her and her mother but the strides they took were monumental. She’s finally on the path of forgiveness but it will still take time until she can fully let go. 

It was the first Thanksgiving dinner the Kriegers have had without Kyle and though it went as smooth as it could have, there was a disconnect to the whole night; a static interruption to what Ali has always known to be one of two of the most flawless days of the year where any doubts that her parents hate each other falter away. The only other day being Christmas.

The glue that holds the family together is miles away in New York and everything was just _different._

Ali doesn’t let it bog her down though.

There are other things on her mind that she’s sort of let fall to the wayside and it’s how much she really misses Ashlyn. It’s not just her touch that she misses, it’s her presence and the way she makes her feel. Ali closes her eyes and bites her lip at the thought.

Four days apart was four days too many.

Overall the entire weekend was a bigger success than she could have anticipated and in the meantime, she still has three more hours to kill so she pulls out her phone and turns it on despite the disapproving glares from the old lady next to her.

She opens her inbox and re-reads her favourite exchange from the weekend.

ALI: _i miss you  
_ ASHLYN: _i miss you too  
_ ALI: _that picture you sent me…i made it my lock screen  
_ ASHLYN: _oh you did, did you? well you can have more of the real thing when you get back  
_ ALI: _is that a promise?  
_ ASHLYN: _;)_

The uncertainty that hangs on the letters leaves a lot to Ali’s imagination and it makes the remaining hours feel twice as long. There’s more than just a tinge of pride in Ali though, when she thinks about the way Ashlyn has so dramatically changed – for the better; in the way that she talks and how she holds herself.

She knows she has everything to do with it.

\--

Ashlyn has already been back for a couple of hours but she doesn’t bother to unpack, throwing her duffel bag into the corner. She does remove her granddad’s letter though and tucks it safely into the drawer of her desk.

FlightTracker says that Ali is due to land in the next 30 minutes, which means it’ll be about another hour and a half until she’s back. Her excitement builds but there’s still something from the weekend that’s been bothering her that she needs to get off her chest.

 **ashSmash:** hey i’m back and alive  
 **chris_the_king:** cool cool how was your flight?  
 **ashSmash:**  screaming babies everywhere  
 **chris_the_king:**  haha sucker  
 **ashSmash:**  shut up  
 **ashSmash:**  so listen  
 **ashSmash:**  i have something I need to tell you and I should have told you sooner and I’m sorry  
 **chris_the_king:**  um ok, should I be worried? Do I need to get mom and dad?  
 **ashSmash:**  no no. don’t even tell them, I’ll tell them on my own later  
 **chris_the_king:**  out with it  
 **ashSmash:**  remember when you asked me about ali and I said we were just friends  
 **chris_the_king:**  yes  
 **ashSmash:**  well  
 **ashSmash:**  we’re not  
 **chris_the_king:**  …  
 **ashSmash:**  she’s my  
 **ashSmash:**  um  
 **ashSmash:**  girlfriend  
 **chris_the_king:**  I KNEW IT!  
 **ashSmash:** ok easy there Sherlock. how did you know?  
 **chris_the_king:**  please ash i’ve known you my entire life. you are the worst liar ever  
 **ashSmash:**  whatever  
 **chris_the_king:**  so why’d you lie?  
 **ashSmash:** i wish i had an answer for you  
 **chris_the_king:**  well  
 **chris_the_king:**  are you happy?  
 **ashSmash:**  more than  
 **ashSmash:**  are you mad that i lied?  
 **chris_the_king:**  no of course not why would I be  
 **ashSmash:**  idk  
 **chris_the_king:**  just  
 **chris_the_king:** I don’t want you to get hurt again  
 **ashSmash:**  I’ll be careful

\--

Ali lugs her suitcase up three flights of stairs on her own, cursing under her breath after each step for thinking it was a good idea to bring home an unnecessarily big bag for just four days.

She quickly throws her bag into her room, only stopping to make obligatory small talk with Kelley and Alex about how her weekend was. She’s not really listening to them though but there’s only one place she can think of being right now and it’s a certain blonde’s room just down the hall.

\-- 

Inside of Ashlyn’s room, Ali doesn’t even give her a chance to speak because before she can even get out a “hi,” her lips have silenced Ashlyn’s. She’s on her tiptoes with her arms around her shoulders to keep her balance while Ashlyn’s got her arms around her waist holding her close.

The kiss starts out innocently enough but with the accidental graze of Ashlyn’s teeth on Ali’s lips, it quickly turns into so much more, and they begin to make up for four days worth of lost time.

Ashlyn wants to say something but it’s slipped her mind.

“Missed you.” Ali mumbles in between kisses and the warmth of her breath on Ashlyn’s face makes her shiver and it reignites the flame that had been in her stomach all weekend.

“Missed you too.”

\-- 

The smell of Ali’s shampoo is more than intoxicating and it’s makes the strength in Ashlyn’s knees begin to weaken; and it doesn’t take long before Ali’s walking backwards towards the bed with Ashlyn’s every intent to cover her skin with her lips.

With the way that Ali has her fingers knotted into her hair, any doubts that Ashlyn previously had that Ali didn’t miss her as much as she did completely vanish.

“Wait,” Ashlyn breaths out suddenly as the back of Ali’s knees hit the bed, but before she can choke out the rest of her sentence, Ali’s pulling her down by her t-shirt until she’s hovering over her. 

“What?”

Ashlyn stops and stands back up while a dejected Ali sits up on the edge of bed; it’s abrupt, but Ali’s not completely surprised. 

“I – “

“What’s wrong?”

All of a sudden, Ashlyn’s feeling really stupid and she’s wishing she’d just kept her mouth shut. “Nothing. I want to know how your weekend was.”

Ali has to stop herself from almost laughing in her face, but way that Ashlyn looks when she’s embarrassed melts her heart. She stands up and saunters closer. “Right _now?_ But it’s almost midnight.”

There’s no response from Ashlyn as she awkwardly stands in place and tucks her hands into her pockets.

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Ali twirls a strand of Ashlyn’s hair around her finger and then lightly brushes her cheek. She watches and feels the way the tiny hairs on Ashlyn’s face stand up and with her thumb, she pulls the lip that Ashlyn’s biting out of her teeth and forces their gaze to meet. “Isn’t there something else you’d rather do?”

\--

The moon is brighter than usual tonight and it illuminates the room giving the night a different sort of feel than it usually has. It’s electrifying in way that can only be felt in the way that their kisses hold more promises.

With Ashlyn on her back, Ali breaks the kiss just long enough to stare down into her eyes. The gentle glow of the moonlight against her face highlights her features. Not so much as physically, but Ali is able to get a reading of her that she’s never been able to before. There’s something different in the way that Ashlyn’s looking at her; it’s fierce, it’s assured, and Ali likes it.

She pushes her pelvis further into Ashlyn’s when her hands splay themselves onto her back under her shirt; and Ashlyn responds by letting out a quiet giggle that’s laced with mischief and all it does it makes Ali’s blood move even faster.

“I know we said we wouldn’t rush this,” Ali whispers it onto Ashlyn’s ear as she lets her teeth graze her earlobe, “and that’s not what I’m trying to do…” she kisses her below her ear, “but I just…” she kisses her neck and then her throat, “I’ve missed this.”

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything, but her intentions are perfectly clear in her own mind. She flips her over and reverses their positions letting one leg fall in between Ali’s while she’s half way on top of her and continues to kiss her. Her fingers itch to go lower and when she’s at the hem of Ali’s shirt, she slowly pushes it up. Ali squirms beneath her when she feels the warmth of her hand on her side.

Ashlyn continues to push her shirt higher until it eventually makes more sense for her to just pull it over her head and toss it to the floor. It’s not the first time she’s done it but she still marvels at how toned Ali’s body is. She sits up and straddles her and the way that her hipbones just peak over her jeans is enough to make Ashlyn lose her mind. 

“You should wear plaid more often,” Ali says very matter-of-factly, but she grabs Ashlyn by the gaps between the buttons on her shirt and pulls her back again until they’re nose to nose.

“I should?”

“Yes, but not right now.”

Ali begins to slowly unbutton Ashlyn’s shirt but by the time she’s at the third button, she's impatient and just pulls it over her own heads and lets it collect next to Ali’s on the floor. 

It starts at Ali’s neck and the lower the kisses get, the more intense her breathing becomes and the harder she has to try to keep her back flat against the mattress. She’s ready to flip Ashlyn over and get her revenge but when she feels her lips dip just below her belly button, she stops her.

Ashlyn stares up and Ali tugs her by the arm until they’re face to face again.

“Remember what I said before?”

“Um…” 

“Don’t start something you can’t finish.”

All the blood rushes to Ashlyn’s face and she’s nervous all of a sudden. She waits before finally croaking out,

“What if I want to finish it?”

It’s a quiet whisper into Ali’s cheek and it’s so timid that she can’t even look her in the eye when says it. If not for the safety of the darkness that drapes over them and the way that Ali’s hands are softly resting on the skin on Ashlyn’s lower back, she would have never of said it, even though she wholeheartedly means it.

It takes a moment for Ali to actually register what she’s just heard, but when she finally does, the pulse between her thighs quickens and the weight of Ashlyn’s leg cradled in between them only intensifies it.

“You – you do?”

Ashlyn nods.

\--

Ashlyn slides off Ali only enough that the button and zipper on her jeans are accessible. She watches Ali for the signal that it’s okay to venture lower again but Ali is three steps ahead of her and eagerly waiting. She awkwardly fumbles with the button but when she finally undoes it, Ali’s smiling like she’s just seen a child take its first steps.

She confidently pulls down the zipper and is greeted by Ali’s hot pink underwear. As she slowly runs the tip of her finger underneath the waistband, Ali shivers but a thought quickly pops into her mind that she’ll have to take the upper hand tonight because Ashlyn’s never done this before.

It’s as if Ashlyn can read her mind because she stops. She’s waiting for Ali to say something but she doesn’t because she’s too captivated at the way Ashlyn’s finger is still just below the elastic waistband. 

“Ali, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Do you want me to show you?”

“I – yes.”

In one swift motion, Ashlyn’s on her back again and Ali is straddling her. She’s paralyzed by the smolder in Ali’s gaze and it makes all the nerves in her body wake up.

Ali reaches behind herself and slowly unhooks her bra and lets it slide down her arms, throwing it to the side.

A timid Ashlyn quietly follows the trail of the bra until it’s on the floor; but she quickly looks back up at Ali, not daring to break her eye contact.

“You’re allowed to look, you know.”

She swallows hard and allows her eyes to falter downwards; when she does, the back of her throat goes dry and her heart starts to beat faster and lower in her body. And Ali knows that she won’t make a move so she takes her by the wrists and places her hands over her chest leaving the rest up to Ashlyn.

Ashlyn moves her hands lower and Ali closes her eyes and sucks in a breath.

\--

“Yours needs to go too.”

Ali pulls down the strap of Ashlyn’s bra and she complies but not without hesitating first. She’s almost hoping that Ali will do it for her but when she doesn’t, she sits up and takes it off herself.

Ali pushes her back onto the bed.

“How many times have you done this?” Ashlyn asks out of nowhere and it throws Ali off guard.

“Do you want a number?” 

“N-no, just…I’m curious.”

“You really want to talk about this right now?”

“No.” 

\--

The skin on skin contact drives Ashlyn wild even though they’re still partially clothed. Ali leaves no part of Ashlyn’s upper body un-kissed or untouched and she’s extremely aware of the affect it’s having on her by the way her chest rises and falls more visibly and how she doesn’t know what to do with her hands; they’re in Ali’s hair, on her shoulders, around her back.

Ashlyn’s too distracted to even notice that Ali’s unbuttoned her pants that she has to say something.

“Ashlyn.”

There’s no response. Ashlyn glances down and then back up but the look in her eyes says its okay to continue so Ali hooks her fingers into Ashlyn’s belt loops and slowly and carefully tugs her jeans down. When they’re at her knees, Ashlyn helps by kicking them all the way off.

Ali grins stupidly at the uncharacteristically “girly” black lace underwear Ashlyn is wearing and Ashlyn’s face turns a bright shade of red when she realizes. 

The significance of the moment suddenly dawns Ashlyn. Her adrenaline had been running on high for the past little while that she hasn’t really been able to fully take in the situation and now that’s she lying here, practically naked, she realizes just how vulnerable she is.

Not only has Ali seen the depths and the starkness of her soul that she’ll forever have a hold on Ashlyn that no one else will, she’s now seeing another part of her that no one else has. 

It’s terrifying, but this time she’s not going to run from it. She’s going to welcome it.

\--

Ali takes her time contemplating her next move. She wants to be sure that Ashlyn wants to do this on her own terms and not because she’s feeling pressured. She crawls back up and searches Ashlyn’s eyes and when she notices they’re about three shades darker than usual and the way her eyelids are hooded, that’s her sign that it’s okay to keep going.

“You should know,” Ashlyn says all of a sudden, “I’ve been thinking about this all weekend.”

That’s all it takes for Ali’s blood to start flowing again but she remains silent. Instead she plants her lips on Ashlyn’s, propping herself up with an elbow and lets her hand maneuver what little space is between them, until she reaches a thin layer of material.

Ashlyn’s breath catches in her throat momentarily and when she feels the hand slide just a little bit lower, she bites down on Ali’s lower lip and her hips buck forward enough to make it feel as if the hand goes even lower than it actually did. She kicks a leg out from under Ali and bends her knee so it’s off the bed; and Ali runs a hand down starting from the top of her knee and any and all rational thoughts goes flying out the window when Ashlyn feels her hand on the inside of her thigh, just mere inches away from where no one but herself has gone before.

Ali shifts herself lower on Ashlyn’s body and replaces the hand that’s on her thigh with her mouth; and one light and airy kiss after another is all it takes before Ashlyn is whimpering.

“That’s nothing,” Ali teases as she continues to kiss her way higher until her cheek brushes against the lace. She hooks two fingers under the seam and before she can ask Ashlyn one more time if she’s really sure she wants to do this, her hips come off the bed.

And so does her underwear.

\--

“Ali, wait.”

“What?”

“What if I don’t…you know…”

“That’s okay, Ashlyn. But I’ll guess we’ll find out soon. Just relax.”

\--

Ashlyn’s back arches so far off the bed at Ali’s first contact that she has to hold her down with both hands; and Ali can’t help her devilish smirk at just how ready Ashlyn has been this whole night. Her grin is so wide that Ashlyn can actually feel it and it makes her forget everything she’s ever believed in.

Not even several minutes later, Ashlyn is on the very edge ready to come undone at the seams. Ali knows this because when she peaks up, Ashlyn head is throw all the way back, her lips are parted, and she’s breathing like she’s running a marathon.

“ _Ali_ ,” she hisses through her teeth.

Her hands are fisted in the pillow below her head and it’s with Ashlyn’s best interest in mind that Ali decides to give her what she wasn’t sure she was she going to achieve.

All it takes is one long, hard flick and the aid on her index finger and this time, Ali doesn’t bother to hold her down. She let’s her writhe beneath her while her fingers drag feather-light lines on her stomach giving Ashlyn simultaneous chills. The sensation comes in waves; it starts out like tiny ripples in the middle of her core but it rapidly spreads outwards until fingers and toes start to curl. She has to bite into her pillow so that she doesn't wake up the rest of the floor.

She doesn’t know what else to do so she tangles her hands into Ali’s hair and pulls; and with the space between her back and the mattress, the curve of her spine shapes perfectly into Ali’s palm. 

When Ashlyn’s body finally stills and her breath returns to a somewhat normal rate, Ali makes her way back up and kisses her with everything she has. She never realized how much she loved her name until she tastes the way that Ashlyn sighs it into her mouth.* 

\-- 

“So…” Ali says, “and you thought that you _wouldn’t._ ”

“Apparently I was wrong.”

Ashlyn reverses their positions once more and this time there’s a new sense of confidence to her that even Ali can see and feel. She kisses Ali all the way across her collarbone.

“What now, then?”

“Well…” Ashlyn reaches down and tugs at all the material that still covers Ali’s lower half. “These can go.”

Ali lifts her hips off the bed and in one fell swoop it joins the rest of the clothes that are scattered on the floor

“Ash,” Ali stops her, “take your time, okay? Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

Ashlyn kisses her again before descending but it’s not until her lips are on the inside of Ali’s thigh that she mumbles,

“I’ll do whatever I want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Borrowed that line from some text post I saw on Tumblr. Don't know if it's a quote from a book or what, but if anyone knows the original source, let me know and I'll credit it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...they fit perfectly together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle; except this puzzle only has two pieces."

Despite what little sleep they both get, Ashlyn awakes before Ali. It’s still so early in the morning that the sun is barely out but Ashlyn has class in an hour so her body tells her it’s time to get up; the warmth that radiates under the thin sheets makes her want to do the opposite though.

She squints her eyes open just slightly but remains still; there’s still another fifteen minutes until Ali’s alarm goes off. Even though Ashlyn’s taller, Ali has comfortably assumed the big spoon position and the way that her breath tickles the back of Ashlyn’s neck sets her body off in yet another explosion of goosebumps and tingles.

It’s like they’ve been constructed for each other and they fit perfectly together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle; except this puzzle only _has_ two pieces.

Ali’s arm is slung low around Ashlyn’s waist and her hand drapes dangerously close to where it had spent a fair amount of time last night. Ashlyn flushes at the mere thought. 

Three months was all it took for them to end up in this position; not just physically, but emotionally too. Everything that Ashlyn has ever known has been turned upside down and she’s experienced things she never even knew possible. She’s seeing the world in a new light and it makes her feel that as long as Ali is by her side, there’s nothing she can’t overcome.

There’s still a lot for Ashlyn to work on though, a lot of which has to do with her own self-worth. Sure, she’s changed as a person but there’s still something missing when she looks at herself in the mirror; her eyes are reflecting back at her but there’s just no connection.

However, the one constant thing throughout this entire journey so far has been Ali. And even though Ashlyn might not know it, she’s had the same impact on Ali’s life that she’s had on hers. They were both the breath of fresh air they were looking for and Ashlyn is more than grateful she has someone like Ali to keep her grounded and sane.

She’s her anchor in this ocean of change.

\--

Ali finally stirs. When she does, her fingers barely graze the underside of Ashlyn’s belly and she feels it in a way that she has to hold her breath and clench her jaw because any other reaction would be too reminiscent of recent events and they both have places to be soon.

“Mmm,” Ali sighs sleepily while placing a kiss on Ashlyn’s shoulder. As half asleep as she still is, she still remembers the way her name sounded when it cascaded from Ashlyn’s lips, like rapids rushing off the edge of a raging waterfall.

“Hey,” Ashlyn just barely croaks out. She pulls Ali’s hand up to her mouth and kisses each one of her knuckles before rolling onto her back. 

Ali readjusts herself so that she’s laying on Ashlyn’s chest and listening to the gentle thrum of her heartbeat. The strength and steadiness of it makes her feel safe and like everything is falling into place like it should.

“Sleep okay?” Ali murmurs.

“Mhm. Like a baby. You?”

“Same.”

There’s still two more minutes until the alarm goes off but Ashlyn reaches over and turns it off before it has a chance. They lay there in a quiet state of bliss trying to savour what little time they have left before they have to pull apart for the rest of the day. 

Ali shifts, propping herself up onto her elbow until her head hangs just inches above Ashlyn’s; her hair falls in long locks and whispers over her girlfriend’s shoulders. She looks at the clock and then back at her, letting her leg fall into place in-between both of Ashlyn’s.

“We still have some time.”

The way that Ali bends her knee and pushes her thigh further into the apex between Ashlyn’s makes all the muscles in her stomach tighten. “But – “

Ali lowers her head all the way down until her lips just barely brush the outside of her ear; it didn’t take long for her to learn that was one of Ashlyn’s most sensitive spots. 

“Ashlyn.” It’s a low and husky whisper but her desire is undeniable. “We’ll only need a few minutes.”

All of a sudden, Ashlyn doesn’t mind being late for class.

\--

It’s a slow week and Ashlyn and Ali don’t get to see each other as much as they would like. With classes picking back up quickly, the only time they really have for each other is at night. Even then, not much talking gets done; except for the night that Ashlyn begged Ali for the details of her weekend with her mother. And of course Ali told her because Ali can never say no to her.

The change in their dynamic is more than obvious.

It’s not like they’re overly affectionate. In fact, they’re rarely affectionate in public, but that doesn’t mean Kelley doesn’t notice the way that Ali’s hand finds its way to Ashlyn’s lap under the table at the library, or the way that Ashlyn bites her lip trying to stifle a wide grin as she watches Ali.

Their chemistry is enough to start a small fire; it’s indisputable to anyone who takes the time to observe yet there’s still something implanted deep inside of Ashlyn that prevents herself from fully giving herself to Ali.

She hates herself for not knowing what it is.

\--

Ashlyn is aggressively woken up when her door swings wide open and Ali pounces onto her bed; her hands violently shaking her shoulders until she’s responsive.

“Good morning!”

“Jesus Christ, Ali.” Ashlyn sits up trying to get her bearings straight, all the while her heart beats in her ears. Usually they wake up together in the same bed, but last night Ashlyn had gotten back from the library later than she anticipated and didn’t want to wake up Ali. “Trying to give me a heart attack?”

“Sorry,” Ali laughs while leaning in forward for a kiss, which is not met by any resistance. “But seriously, get up.”

“It’s _Saturday._ I want to sleep. Come, lie with me.”

“On any other day, you know I would, but I need you to get up and get dressed.”

Ashlyn groans and slumps back onto the bed. It’s barely 8:30 am and Ali’s already showered and changed. She’s as tired as she’s ever been but the way that Ali is being so energetic makes it impossible for her to fall back asleep.

“Why? What’s happening? Tell me or I’m not leaving this bed.” Ashlyn says in mock defiance.

“I just want to take you somewhere, okay? It occurred to me that we’ve never actually been on a date so…”

It’s true, they haven’t. Everything just sort of happened so quickly and naturally that going on a “date” was never really something they felt the need to do; it never really came up. 

A tiny smile plays at Ashlyn’s lips. “A date? Where?”

“Santa Monica pier is only about 45 minutes away and Jeff let me borrow his car. Have you ever been?”

“Once, when I was like seven but I hardly remember it.”

“Good. Now get ready. You have thirty minutes.”

Ali winks and gets up, leaving Ashlyn to her own devices.

\--

It’s warmer than usual for a late-November day and Ashlyn can’t remember the last time she’s been to an amusement park of sorts. The screaming children, the crowds of people, and the smell of the ocean give her mixed emotions. She’s annoyed, uncomfortable, and homesick all at once.

Ali grabs a hold of Ashlyn’s hand and Ashlyn is all of a sudden shy and self-conscious. It’s different out here in the public, not in the confines of the campus where no one really pays attention to them, and she turns her eyes downcast because she figures if she can’t see the people, they can’t judge her. It’s comforting at the same time though, to have Ali at her side and not anyone else.

“So what do you want to do first?” When Ali notices the way that Ashlyn’s head hung a little lower than usual, she stops. “Ashlyn, just relax okay? This is Santa Monica, not some small hick town in the south.”

“I – yeah, I know. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I just want you to have a good time.”

“I always have a good time with you, Ali, you know that.”

“I do. Now come on, let’s go on some rides.”

\--

The day goes by quickly. They go on every ride possible at least once and eat more than enough junk food to the point where it’s a surprise than one of them hasn’t thrown up yet. They walk up and down the beach until the bottom half of their pants are wet and they have to roll them up.

Ashlyn can’t remember the last time she’s had so much fun before and Ali’s floating on the highest of clouds because of the sudden displays of affection Ashlyn is showing; when she kissed her while they were waiting in the line for the ferris wheel, Ali had felt an overwhelming sense of pride not just for herself, but for Ashlyn too.

They spent the rest of the ride kissing when they thought no one was looking.

\--

The sun is just dipping below the horizon creating a pinkish orange glow off in the distance and the water is cold as it gently creeps up the shore and washes over their feet. Ashlyn removes the arm that’s around Ali’s shoulder and turns to face her. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small black drawstring bag.

“Here, I have something for you.”

Ali reaches for it hesitantly. “What’s this?”

“Open it.”

She does as she’s told and pulls out a bracelet. It has a braided leather strap with several turquoise beads. Ashlyn takes it from her and fastens it to her wrist.

“What’s this for? Where did you get it?” 

“I bought it from that jewelry stand while you were in the bathroom. I just – I don’t know, I wanted to get you something nice. To say thank you, I guess.”

Ali smiles and takes a step closer, letting her fingers fall into place between Ashlyn’s. “Thank me for what?”

“For today. For everything in general, really.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything. But thank _you,_ for this bracelet, it’s beautiful.”

“Just like you.”

“ _Ash_ lyn.” Ali says bashfully. A silence falls over them, the only thing to be heard is the crashing of the waves against the shore and the scattered conversations of the people around them, which they’ve managed to block out.

They stand there quietly for a moment looking at each other; it’s something they like to do sometimes – just stare at each other because often times, they don’t even need words to communicate.

“Ashlyn.”

Ali says her name again, but this time quieter and more reserved. Her pulse is beating in her throat and she swallows hard trying to calm it. She gives herself a split second to come up with a reason as to why she shouldn’t say her following words but comes up with nothing.

“I love you.”

\--

Ali carefully studies Ashlyn’s face as she says it and the following seconds after. Her lips twitch upwards into a half smile and her eyes start to glisten brighter under the setting sun but Ali can’t tell if those are tears of joy, or tears of something else. Ashlyn’s nervous trademarks are back though and Ali feels like she needs to say something else that will put Ashlyn at ease.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it back. I just – it’s how I feel and I needed to tell you.”

“Ali.” Ashlyn cradles her hands around Ali’s face; she doesn’t really know what to say or do. Well, she does; she wants to say it back but she’s having a hard time forming the words so instead, she simply kisses Ali hoping that the kiss will speak for itself.

It does. 

It might not exactly say “ _I love you, too,”_ but Ali feels it in a way that she can almost tell what Ashlyn is thinking; and it’s that she’s scared and vulnerable.

Ali understands.

\--

Jeff’s car is old. It has manual windows and the radio doesn’t always work; and today is one of those days. The car ride back is a lot quieter than it was in the morning and it’s not really for any specific reason other than the fact they’re both just tired from a long day. Even though the windows are open, it’s still warm and humid and it makes Ashlyn shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

She looks over at Ali who has one hand on the steering wheel and the other one lazily resting over the gear-change. When she feels Ashlyn’s eyes on her, she looks back and smiles at her.

There’s something in the way that they both look at each other that immediately changes the atmosphere between them; they both feel it but neither of them say anything.

Ashlyn reaches for Ali’s free hand and holds it in her lap; when she feels the way that Ali’s fingers graze the inside of her thigh, she traps her hand in place while she watches the mischievous smile play at Ali’s lips all the while her eyes don’t leave the road.

Instead of saying anything, Ashlyn brings Ali’s hand up to her mouth and playfully bites down onto the side of it and Ali lets out a small squeal. It’s cute and for second, she contemplates giving Ali back her hand in the interest of their safety.

She doesn’t though. She flips Ali’s hand over and kisses the middle of her palm letting her fingers brush over her cheeks. It sends a rocket of goosebumps whizzing over the back of her neck. It doesn’t stop there because Ashlyn starts to kiss up Ali’s arm until she’s practically out of her seat and her lips are at her shoulders.

“Babe, not now.” It’s the first time Ali has ever called Ashlyn babe and Ashlyn finds herself more turned on than she wants to be.

Ashlyn stops but only momentarily, so that Ali can recollect her thoughts. But as soon as Ali relaxes again, Ashlyn reaches over and places a hand on her thigh and gives it a squeeze.

The car just barely swerves to the side and Ali has to still Ashlyn’s hand before she completely veers off the road.

“Are you trying to kill us?”

“Pull over, Ali.”

\--

Ali is about to laugh because she thinks it’s a joke but when she looks at Ashlyn and she’s not laughing, but rather there’s a look of intensity behind her eyes, her breath catches in her throat and her heart rate picks up.

“Oh. Okay.”

\--

They pull into an empty parking lot behind an office building and before Ali can even turn off the car and kill the headlights, Ashlyn has unbuckled both of their seat belts and has thrown herself over the centre console and onto her lap.

She immediately bypasses Ali’s lips and goes straight for her neck; she tastes of salt from from the spray of the ocean mist.

“Ash, what are we doing?” Ali manages through shallow breaths.

“Isn’t it obvious?” 

Ali groans when Ashlyn’s teeth capture the skin at the base of the throat and all that does as add more fuel to Ashlyn’s fire. Her hands find their way to the button on Ali’s jeans and she unbuttons them with ease and wiggles them down so there’s just enough room for her to slide a hand in.

Just by the feel, Ashlyn knows exactly which underwear she’s wearing. They’re the red lace ones that Ashlyn said she loved so much.

“But like, right here? And now?”

Ashlyn stops and looks around at the very dark and barren parking lot and then back at Ali. She reaches for the lever under Ali’s seat and slides the seat back giving them more room.

“Yes.”

\--

Ashlyn traces her fingers over the outlines of the lace and if Ali wasn’t turned on before, she definitely is now because with every stroke of Ashlyn’s finger, her breathing gets louder and her chest rises and falls faster and faster.

Still, there’s a thin layer of material that’s in the way of what they both want so when Ashlyn’s finally had enough, she pushes it to the side and continues from there.

She gives herself a metaphorical pat on the back when she feels just how eager Ali is, but it’s not like she couldn’t tell from the outside of the lace.

It doesn’t take long before Ali’s head is thrown all the way back, her teeth are gritted, and her stomach is quivering. The space around Ashlyn’s fingers gets tighter and when it looks and sounds like she might pass out, all it takes is a simple _“come hither”_ motion and Ali is chanting Ashlyn’s name and screaming for the God she doesn’t believe in. 

“What the hell was _that?_ ” Ali mumbles breathlessly.

Ashlyn smiles arrogantly and leans forward to kiss her deeply.

“I don’t know. Just something I might have been thinking about all day.”

“Well, damn.”

“You can repay me later,” she jokes, but then quickly turns on her serious face. “Hey, Ali?”

“Yeah?”

Ashlyn places on hand on Ali’s face and rests the other over her still erratically beating heart.

“I love you, too.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why do you love me?"

There are only three more weeks until Christmas and everyone is already in full on holiday mode. The outside of Kelley and Alex’s door is lined with Christmas lights and tiny ornaments poorly taped to it. It flashes obnoxiously at night and Ali can see the blinking glow from the crack under her door. It drives her insane to the point where she has to get up and ask them to turn it off.

Of course Kelley denies her request, professing that only a Grinch would demand something so absurd.

Ashlyn on the other hand likes it. It reminds her of Christmas time as kid and the blinking lights Chris had strung around his bed frame. It has a warming effect on her made only more intense by the fact she’s lying shoulder to shoulder with Ali with their fingers interlocked between them.

“So I know we both have family plans for Christmas…” Ali suddenly but quietly murmurs, her eyes fixated onto the ceiling. She’s never really been outwardly nervous to ask Ashlyn anything but for whatever reason, her voice wavers slightly. “…but I just thought that maybe it would be nice to spend New Years together or something.”

“That _would_ be nice,” Ashlyn responds without missing a beat. She doesn’t turn to look at Ali though, her eyes as well stay focused onto the ceiling.

“You could come to Virginia, or I could come to Florida. Or we could even come back here or something.”

“Virginia is cold and the thought of being at school when we don’t need to be is just…no.”

Ali lets out a breathy giggle. “Okay, so…”

“My parents do throw an awesome New Years party, it’s warm, and we do live right by the beach. Also my mom really wants to meet you.”

“Really? She does?”

Ashlyn nods and kisses the back of Ali’s hand. “Chris too. And my dad.”

A wave of pride washes over Ali at the fact that Ashlyn’s talked about her enough that her entire family wants to meet her. She feels it in the way that Ashlyn tightens her grip around her hand as she says it and in the way that she tries to shift even closer to her even though they’re as close as they could possibly be.

“So I guess I’m going to Florida then.”

“I guess so, babe.”

\--

“Harris!”

Ashlyn stops and turns around in the middle of the crowded quad only to have a soccer ball hurdled towards her by the foot of Kelley O’Hara herself. The sun momentarily blinds her but she instinctively reaches out and catches the ball with ease, internally smiling that her skills haven’t left her.

“Damn, nice save Ash. Ali said you played soccer but I didn’t think you were that great.”

“Gee, thanks Kel.” 

Kelley laughs and grabs the ball back. She bounces it a couple of times before resting her foot atop it.

“We should play sometime. Just a little scrimmage, maybe the four of us.”

“Sure, but do you really think Alex has even played a sport before? I mean, she flinched that one time I threw a pillow at her and then proceeded to drop it.”

“Whatever, she can watch from the side.” Kelley kicks the ball to Ashlyn.

The feel of the ball at her feet reminds her of all her years in soccer camp and she gets hit with an overwhelming pang of nostalgia; a part of her that she hadn’t known she had been missing comes back to her. She kicks the ball up and effortlessly juggles it on her feet while Kelley watches in awe.

“We can play tonight if you want. I’m not doing anything and I think Ali said she’s free too.” Ashlyn kicks the ball back and Kelley fails to trap it. “Or maybe not, with your lack of skill."

“Hey,” Kelley scoffs, “I’ll have you know I played my fair share of soccer too back in the day. You’re on. Tonight. Let’s meet at the field behind the athletic centre.”

“Uh huh, sure. You might want to get that then,” Ashlyn nods toward the ball that’s begun to roll down the quad.

“Whatever!” screams Kelley as she chases after ball. “See you tonight!”

\--

The field is relatively empty but far from ideal. It’s bumpy and full of rocky patches and eventually everyone decides that they’re too tired to run around anyways so they settle for passing the ball back and forth in a square.

Alex squeals and dodges to the side when Ali kicks the ball at her.

“Really, Alex?” Kelley mockingly rolls her eyes at her and is more than surprised when Alex returns the ball with more force and accuracy than she anticipated; it whizzes right past her and barely grazes arm.

“I – oh my god – I have no idea where that came from.” Alex covers her mouth with a hand and quietly laughs to herself.

“Jesus, Morgan. Who knew you had that in you?” Ashlyn runs after the ball and in that moment, she feels like a kid again; carefree and relaxed like all the times she would play with her brother and at camp.

She stops the ball and hurls it back towards Ali who awkwardly tries to kick it back to Ashlyn but her lack of coordination results in the ball landing at Kelley’s feet but she plays it off as if that was what she intended to do. 

\-- 

As the sunsets, the temperature goes down with it.

“I’m cold,” whines Alex as she feverously rubs the sides of her arms. For once she’s not overreacting and being dramatic because Kelley complains too and huddles close to her for extra warmth.

“I think I’m going to head back, are you coming roomie?" 

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure lovebirds over there won’t even notice anyways.” Alex motions her head towards Ali who has her hand resting lightly on Ashlyn’s hips while Ashlyn’s cup the back of her elbows. From where they’re standing it looks like they’re kissing but they’re just standing close and talking.

“Hey weirdos, we’re leaving,” Kelley yells, “you coming or what?”

“Uhh, no, you guys go ahead,” replies Ali, tiptoeing over Ashlyn’s shoulder to wave her away, to which Kelley salutes and walks off with Alex. 

Ashlyn and Ali take a seat on the grass. It’s not the most comfortable location but it’s quiet and they just want to be alone; not like they haven’t been alone enough lately, but they can never get enough of each other.

Ali leans back on the grass and lays her arm out for Ashlyn to use as a pillow. The warmth that radiates from her body is enough for Ashlyn to not feel like shivering. For a moment they stare at the sky; it’s not dark enough to see any stars but it’s a dark enough shade of purple and blue that it makes the airplane flying above them look like a shooting star.

“Can I ask you something?”

Ali remains still and then nods her head.

“Ashlyn, you don’t have to ask me when you want to ask a question. You can just ask it.”

“Why do you love me?”

There’s a brief silence that follows because the question is so sudden and uncalled for; and Ali still doesn’t know how to react when it finally registers. She’s confused and part of her heart breaks because Ashlyn has to question her love for her, while the other part is hurt _because_ she has to question it.

“Is that a serious question?”

Ashlyn sits up and wraps her arms around her knees and looks out. Her hair blows in her face so Ali sits up next to her and tucks the strands behind her ear. When Ashlyn refuses to make eye contact, Ali tilts her face towards hers. 

“So you mean to tell me, for the last two weeks or whatever, you’ve had doubts whether or not I really loved you every time I’ve said it?” 

“Eleven days, actually.”

“Ashlyn.”

“It’s not that I had doubts, well, maybe a little but I’m just…” she looks to the side but Ali guides her face back again. Ashlyn hadn’t mean for this to get so serious but it’s been lingering in the back of her mind for a while.

“You just what?”

Ashlyn sighs and drums her fingers on her knees. “I’m just insecure. You know that.”

“I do know that, but you need to stop being that. It’s just me. When have I ever lied to you?”

“You haven’t. I’m sorry. I’m just being dumb.”

“Seriously, you need to stop apologizing. And also, you are not dumb. At all.”

The mood lightens a little when Ali sees the dimples in Ashlyn’s face and she can’t help but reach out and run her thumb over it.

“Okay. Sorry. I mean – I’m not sorry.”

“So can I ask you something then?”

“Ali, you don’t have to ask me when you want to ask a question. You can just ask it.”

One of Ali’s favourite things about Ashlyn is when she throws her words back in her face because it’s a sign of confidence. And Ashlyn is always sexiest when she’s confident.

“When you said you loved me too, you meant it, right? You didn’t just say it because you felt like you should?”

“Of course I meant it. I think I love you more than I love myself.” 

And there’s something about the way that Ashlyn says _“I love you more than I love myself”_ that pricks at Ali and it just doesn’t sit right; the words awkwardly fall to the pit of her stomach and she’s unable to process it so she brushes it away for the time being.

“Well, I love you too.”

“But, um…” Ashlyn continues nervously, “you never answered my question. Why do you love me?”

“Oh Ashlyn, Ashlyn, Ashlyn,” Ali says as she unravels her arms from around her knees and wraps them around her own body. She places a hand on her cheek and kisses her softy. “Where do I begin?”

* ~ * ~ *~ * ~ *

“So I want you to take a picture of every single one of your Christmas presents and send them to me. And make sure you take pictures of all the food you eat too.”

Ashlyn laughs and pulls Ali in for a hug that she’s reluctant to release her from. Ali had borrowed Jeff’s car to drive Ashlyn to airport since her flight doesn’t leave until the next day.

Most of the morning consisted of neither of them wanting to get out of bed because the thought of spending more than a week apart this time is not something they’re looking forward to.

“Okay, but only if you do the same.”

“Mhm,” Ali mutters as she rises to her tiptoes and leans in to kiss Ashlyn. Her heart sinks as she released from Ashlyn embrace. “Call me when you’re home, okay?”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

\--

The first thing Ashlyn does when she gets home is goes straight to her room. She doesn’t care that it’s already almost 2 in the morning, it’s still early in California and she wants to talk to Ali. She closes her door and turns off the light, letting her family know she's down for the night, even though Chris is the only one still awake.

When Ali’s phone begins to vibrate on her nightstand, she promptly kicks Kelley out of her room so she can be alone. She'll never get tired of seeing Ashlyn's name lit up on her screen.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Ashlyn’s voice is static on the other end but Ali can still hear her and her whole body relaxes just at the sound of her voice.

“What are you doing?”

“Just laying in bed. I miss you already. What are you doing?”

“Literally the exact same thing. Miss you too.” Ashlyn rolls onto her back, kicking her bag and some books off her bed in the process. She stretches and lets out quiet whimper.

Ali giggles. “That was a cute noise.”

“I can’t wait for you to get here. I want to take you to the beach and stuff. Maybe I’ll teach you how to surf.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea? You saw how bad I was at long boarding.”

“Oh, true. Maybe we’ll just lie out on the beach and get a tan or something.”

“Hey! Are you calling me white?” Ali jokes and the way she quietly laughs into the phone half sleepily lights a small fire in Ashlyn’s body.

“Yeah, you’re my little pale princess.”

“Wow, rude.”

They both laugh and a comfortable silence falls over them. Ashlyn still feels her body tingling and it’s only made worse by how warm it is in her room and the sound of Ali’s breathing into the phone.

“What are you thinking about, Al?”

“Nothing in particular; just you and getting to spend New Years with you. I’ve only ever had one New Years kiss so…”

“Well I can be your second and you can be my first.” Ashlyn can practically hear Ali smile into the phone and without really thinking, her hand finds its way to into the waistband of her shorts. It lays there motionless for a while until Ali starts to speak again and then it begins to dip lower and lower.

Ali’s voice is quieter and raspier now and she’s talking slower than she was before. “I’m also really excited to meet your family and to be alone with you away from school. I want to see what your bedroom looks like and where you grew up and stuff.” 

“I can’t wait for that either.” Ashlyn’s breathing gets a little bit louder and more erratic and she has to bite her lip so she doesn’t give herself away. “Is that all you’re thinking about?”

There’s silence on the other end of the phone as Ali closely listens in. She hears the labored breathing and the rustling of the sheets.

“Ashlyn, what are you doing?”

“N-nothing. Tell me a story. Just…keep talking.”

Ali’s not dumb though, she knows exactly what Ashlyn is doing and the thought of it only makes her feel the same way.

“So you want a story, huh?” she says and she gets more comfortable, kicking her sheets off.

“Yeah, tell me anything. J-just talk.” 

And she does; she talks until both of them are eventually panting and trying to catch their breaths. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ali doesn’t see that same sparkle she used to. The sadness is back and it leaves her feeling helpless all over again."

Ashlyn’s leg bounces nervously in the car and her fingers impatiently drum the armrest. She squints her eyes from the sun and lets out a loud breath. She’s been on edge all day, not only because she’s excited to pick up Ali from the airport, but because of something else she can’t exactly put a finger on.

The fact that the drive to the airport is only thirty minutes but it feels like a lifetime isn't helping the situation either.

“You okay?” Chris huffs from the driver seat, slightly annoyed by how restless Ashlyn has been today. 

“Fine, fine.” 

“You’re acting like this is the first time you’re meeting her or something. Relax, will you?”

“Sorry, I just – “ Ashlyn trails off into nothingness. Chris doesn’t bother to press on.

Her heart starts to jump faster and harder as she starts to see the signs for the airport. It’s been more than a week since she’s seen her girlfriend she can’t wait any longer. Ashlyn stares ahead at the road and then looks at Chris like she wants to say something, but then turns her head forward again. She looks at him one more time before once again quickly turning her head back.

“What now?” he sighs.

“Nothing. Sorry.”

“No, not nothing. You’ve been insufferable since last night, tell me what’s wrong.”

Ashlyn groans loudly and over dramatically. “It’s just that – it’s _real,_ real now.

Chris takes his eyes off the road momentarily to look at Ashlyn, who's head is in her hands. “What’s that supposed to mean? It wasn’t real before?” 

“No, it definitely was. But now she’s meeting the family.”

“And…?” 

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn rubs her temples. “I’m scared, no, terrified. What if you guys don’t like her, what if she doesn’t like you guys, what if – what if – ugh.”

As if Ashlyn’s nerves weren’t already shot, the sound of Chris laughing only makes it worse. She turns up the radio so she can drown him out, but he reaches back and turns it off completely. 

“It’ll be fine. Stop worrying.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?”

Ashlyn shifts uncomfortably in her seat. She turns the other way and looks out the side window so that Chris can’t see her face because what she wants to say, she’s never said before and it’s her first time really acknowledging it. 

“Because Chris, I’m bringing home a _girl_. I know this is isn’t exactly what mom had envisioned in her life and I feel like maybe… maybe I’m letting her down or something.”

“Ash, you do know that we all knew you were gay when you were like six, right? It’s not like it was a complete shock when you came out.”

Hearing that is not a complete shock to Ashlyn either but it still makes her feel uncomfortable in her own skin.

“That’s not the point. I’m sure mom had this whole life planned out for me and now…she won’t have that.”

Chris reaches over and takes a hold of Ashlyn’s hand sensing her distraught. He holds it like he used to when they were kids; it’s same way that he would when they were crossing the street together, and it’s the same way he did when Ashlyn first came out to him.

“First of all, this is your life, not mom’s. And second of all, you _know_ that mom loves you no matter what. You might not have been there, but I saw her reaction when she read that email you sent her about Ali. She cried happy tears, Ashlyn." 

“She did?”

“Yes, I think dad even shed a tear too.”

A long deserved smile spreads across Ashlyn’s face. She squeezes Chris’ hand to say thank you before she lets go.

“What do you think granddad would have thought if he knew?” 

Chris scratches his beard and turns on the radio again; not because he’s trying to avoid the question, he just doesn’t like the silence.

“You remember his friend, Jimmy? He was gay, you know.”

“He was?!”

“Totally. Granddad never cared; and granddad loved you like you were his own child so I truly believe he would have still loved you all the same. In fact, he’d be really proud of how far you have come.”

“You think so?” 

“I know so.”

Ashlyn swallows hard trying to hold back the tears in her eyes and even though she’s suddenly feeling a lot better, something still nags at her but she doesn’t know what.

“Thank you, Chris.”

“Hey, what are siblings for?”

\--

It takes a moment for Ali to spot Ashlyn amongst the sea of people as she exits the arrivals gate, but when she does, she’s running at her full tilt. She drops her bag to the floor and wraps her arms around her neck refusing to let go, but it’s not like Ashlyn is in any rush.

It’s not until there’s the sound a man clearing his throat loudly behind them that they force themselves apart.

“Sorry. Ali, this is my brother Chris.” Ashlyn nervously introduces them.

Chris sticks out his hand for Ali, which she pushes aside and goes in for a hug instead. He laughs and hugs her tightly, like old friends reuniting.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Chris. Ashlyn talks about you all the time.”

“Well who wouldn’t? I am pretty awesome.” Ashlyn narrows her eyes at him but he ignores it. “You’re a lot prettier than Ashlyn made you out to be.”

Ali’s face immediately turns bright red, to which Ashlyn punches Chris in the arm.

“ _Chris.”_

“Hey, I’m just saying.”

“It’s okay.” Ali laughs and hesitates a little before kissing Ashlyn on the cheek. And when Ashlyn doesn’t let her linger as long as she usually does, she quickly pulls back feeling slightly rejected.

“Come on,” Chris says picking up Ali’s bag, “let’s go. Parking is going to expire soon.”

\--

The car ride back to the Harris house is more awkward than it should be. Ashlyn opts to sit in the back seat with Ali, leaving Chris as their not-so-official chauffer. He doesn’t mind though, because that’s just the kind of brother he is. 

He isn’t intuitive enough to feel the tension but for the first time since Ashlyn and Ali had made things official, Ali feels some sort of distance between them – maybe it’s the unusual amount of time spent apart. It’ll pass with time, Ali figures, but just as she’s about to say something, Chris turns up the radio so she reaches for Ashlyn’s hand and laces her fingers in hers. Ashlyn looks over and smiles and squeezes but then slowly unlaces her fingers and tucks her hand gingerly into her lap and gazes out the window.

As if Ali hadn’t already been feeling dejected from earlier when Ashlyn wouldn’t let her kiss her on the cheek like the way she usually does, her heart starts to feel even more heavy. 

“Ash?” Ali says just loud enough so that only Ashlyn hears.

Just for a quick fleeting moment, time stops and Ashlyn’s stomach flutters when their eyes connect. “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing?” Ashlyn furrows her brow trying to convince herself _and_ Ali that there really isn’t anything wrong; and maybe she fools Ali just long enough, but she’s definitely not fooling herself. 

Chris is partially listening in on them but plays it off coolly by bopping his head to the music and occasionally playing with the buttons on the centre console.

Ali knows this isn’t the best time or place to be having this conversation so she lets it go for now. For the next 25 minutes, all three of them sit in semi-awkward silence while Ali runs through all the different scenarios of what could be going on with Ashlyn.

\--

After a brief exchange of pleasantries and small talk, and Ashlyn acting so far and distant during dinner that for a moment, Ali thought they might be strangers, Ali sits perched at the end of Ashlyn’s bed while Ashlyn clears a small corner in her room for Ali’s bag.

“You know, it's really cool of your mom to let us sleep in the same room considering, you know…” Ali says as her eyes scan the surroundings of Ashlyn’s room. She stops when she notices the only three pictures that are tacked to her wall; one of Ashlyn in her goalkeeper uniform; one of her and a girl with brown curly hair, who she assumes is her cousin who she talks about all the time; and one of her and Chris buried in the sand at the beach.

“Yeah, apparently my mom is a lot cooler than I give her credit for,” Ashlyn laughs, “but if she really thinks you’re actually sleeping on that air mattress, she’s crazy.”

Ali laughs too because she knows that in a few hours she’ll be curled up and cuddled next to Ashlyn in her tiny twin sized bed, but at the same time, the sudden wall between them has her worried. She stands up and walks over the to the pictures, feeling the way the carpet tickles her toes along the way.

“That’s your cousin?”

“Yeah, Isabelle. The closest thing I have to friend here in Florida, besides Chris of course.”

“She’s pretty." 

“You’ll meet her on New Years.” 

Ashlyn gets up and closes the gap between her and Ali, and for a second, Ali is surprised considering how withdrawn they’ve been all day. She knows better than to say anything though, so she willingly hugs back and nestles her face into the crook of Ashlyn’s neck.

“Sorry,” Ashlyn mutters.

“For what?” Ali feigns ignorance.

“I don’t know. Being weird today?”

A light and airy kiss on Ashlyn’s neck is all it takes for tidal wave of goosebumps to erupt on her neck; it’s the only thing Ali can think to do because she’s not sure what to say. 

“It’s okay. I love you.” 

The hesitation until Ashlyn finally speaks is far too long for Ali’s liking but still, she doesn’t say anything.

“I love you too, Ali.”

\-- 

It’s a lot less humid in Florida than it is in California and Ali is more than relieved she doesn’t have to worry about her hair getting frizzy when she goes outside. It’s warm too, considering it’s 11:30 at night.

The two of them walk hand-in-hand in partial silence down the beach that’s just mere blocks away from Ashlyn’s house. Neither of them could sleep so they figured a little fresh air would help relax them. It’s a lot easier to see the stars out here because they’re so far away from the city centre; they twinkle brightly above them.

Ashlyn looks up and silently counts them, each star representing one reason she fell in love with Ali.

They walk just close enough to the water that the pads of their feet get wet as the waves creep up the shore. Ali stops when the hem of her jeans that she’s rolled up get splashed with water; she forces Ashlyn to turn and look at her and when she tries to lean in and kiss her, Ali, for whatever strange and unknown reason, stops her and Ashlyn is left feeling the same way Ali did at the airport.

“I know that something’s bothering you and I wish I knew what. But also, we don’t need to talk about it right the second if you don’t want to, but I need you to know that whatever it is, you _can_ talk to me about it.”

Ashlyn stares down at her feet, almost afraid to look at Ali. How did this happen? Just a week ago, they were more than happy and completely in love – not that they aren’t anymore – but for the past few days, Ashlyn has not felt like herself and now even Ali knows it.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” Ali tilts Ashlyn’s face up and when the moonlight reflects in her eyes, Ali doesn’t see that same sparkle she used to. The sadness is back and it leaves her feeling helpless all over again.

A half smile replaces the lack of emotion on Ashlyn’s face and the only way that Ali knows how to make Ashlyn feel better is to put her hands over her chest and kiss her softly.

She does that and for a couple seconds, they stand there on the beach kissing in the darkness while the subtle taste of salt from Ashlyn’s tears trickles towards Ali’s lips.

“Ali.” Ashlyn’s voice wavers. 

“Yeah?”

“Nothing.”

That’s all it takes – the notion that Ashlyn is crying because she doesn’t think she’s beautiful and the sudden reminder that just a week ago, she had to question why Ali even loved her – to make Ali feel like a worthless human being because of the next thought that enters her mind.

It’s that the only way that Ashlyn will ever be able to grow as a person, is on her own and at her own terms. Not with someone holding her hand the entire time; this is a spiritual and educational journey she has to go on by herself.

What hurts Ali the most is the fact that she’s still so in love with Ashlyn but it’s a thought that she just can’t shake.

\--

That night in bed, as Ashlyn’s body is pressed up against Ali’s side, and the way that her breath softly tickles the length of her neck is more than enough to keep Ali awake the entire night. She’s not sure what changed so quickly and drastically and she spends the next six hours wide-awake trying to figure it out and change her mind.

The worst part of it all is that Ashlyn doesn’t see it coming.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s a desperate plea and she’s ready to beg on her knees if she has to."

Ali wakes up alone in Ashlyn’s bed to what sounds like glasses and dishes clinking over the monotonous rumble of a vacuum cleaner. She kicks the sheets off the lower half of her body and rolls onto her side to check the time.

_9:03 AM._

The space next to her is cool meaning Ashlyn has been up for a while and Ali lies there in silent contemplation as to why she didn’t wait for her to wake up like she always does.

She tries to not read too far into it though. It’s New Years Eve so Ashlyn must’ve gotten up early to help clean and set up the house for tonight’s party.

Still though, it feels weird considering that for the past few days it’s felt like they’ve been walking on eggshells around each other and there is no particular reason for it. Sure, they have their good moments, like when no one is home and they make out on the couch and Ashlyn’s hands wander all over Ali’s body; even when they’re watching TV with everyone else and they’re hands find each other underneath a blanket or pillow.

It’s little things like that let Ali know that maybe she’s over-reacting and everything is just in her head, but when Ashlyn won’t say ‘I love you’ back to her when her parents are too close, or when she’ll change the subject anytime Ali tries to compliment her or tries make her feel good, she thinks that her over-reaction is justifiable.

\--

With all the preparations for tonight’s party, the day goes by quickly, which is good for Ali because it doesn’t give her a lot of time to dwell on her thoughts, but not so good for her relationship with Ashlyn because Ashlyn’s been using the excuse that’s she’s too busy to sit down and talk to her.

It’s a valid excuse in itself, but when Ashlyn’s parents and Chris run out to do last minute errands, she does everything she can to keep herself occupied.

“Babe, stop, please,” Ali says as she watches Ashlyn meticulously wipe the invisible crumbs off the crumbless counter.

“Just a minute.”

“You keep saying that. Can we talk, please?”

“They’ll be home soon.”

Ali walks over and stills Ashlyn’s hand. _“Please.”_

\--

Outside on the deck, the porch swing creeks in the awkward silence as Ali tries to gather her thoughts. Ashlyn sits there nervously with her thumbs twiddling in her lap as she looks out into the distance.

“You need to tell me what’s going on.” Ali finally says, turning towards Ashlyn.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, don’t play coy. You’re acting like you don’t love me anymore. Or even know me for that matter.”

Ashlyn swallows hard; Ali’s wrong in her assumptions but she doesn’t know how to respond so she doesn’t and all that does is make Ali’s panic rise.

“Please say something. Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?”

“Because I’m scared, okay?”

“Scared of what?”

Ashlyn flattens her hands out on her thighs, wiping away the clamminess from her palms.

“I don’t know. _This_ ,” she whispers as the words get lost in the breeze, but Ali still hears it.

“You mean…us?”

“No, not us,” her voice back at an audible level. “Just – I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try?”

Just as Ashlyn is about to speak, the neighbour’s cat runs onto the deck and perches itself on the wicker table in front of them. It meows loudly and Ashlyn pats the empty space next to her. It leaps over allowing her to stroke its head, buying her a couple extra moments of not having to talk. 

“Let me put it this way,” Ali speaks, scaring away the cat. Her heart beats quickly because she’s not sure she actually wants to know the answer to her question. “Do you still love me?”

“What? Of course I do.” Ashlyn answers immediately. “I love you more than anything.”

Ali breathes a sigh of relief. “And you know that I love you too, right?”

“I do, but I still don’t know – “ The sound of the front door opening startles Ashlyn and cuts her off off but Ali doesn’t want to let it go.

“Don’t know what?”

“Nothing. Nevermind.”

Ashlyn gets up to help take in the groceries, but Ali grabs her wrist and holds her in place for just a second to look into her eyes. Ashlyn stops and smiles, and leans down to give her a quick kiss before walking inside.

There they go again, back to walking on awkwardly placed eggshells and it leaves a feeling of dread inside of Ali.

\--

It’s 11:15 PM and there are more people at the house than Ali thought there would be. Ashlyn said her parents knew how to throw a party but she was not expecting this – Chris and his friends are shot gunning beers on the deck, to which Ashlyn and Ali were invited to join but they declined, while all the rest of her family members mingle around drunkenly.

Instead, they opt to sit with Isabelle and drink the rose wine that Ali insisted Ashlyn take her to buy because “you can’t show up to a party empty handed.” There aren’t as many people lingering around in the kitchen – everyone is mostly outside or in the living room – so they each pull up a barstool to the counter.

Ali searches for Ashlyn’s hand under the counter and when she finds it, Ashlyn pulls away knowing that her uncle is standing behind them and watching. It sends Ali’s heart into a minor free-fall as she slowly feels it sink lower into her chest. She tries to shrug it off but it hurts.

“More wine?” Isabelle asks and refills Ali’s glass without waiting for an answer.

“Thanks,” Ali says taking a long sip. She doesn’t plan on getting drunk but she’ll take what she can get to help her ease her mind and heart.

“You too, Ash?”

Ashlyn doesn’t respond because she’s too caught up in watching Ali and how quickly her mood has shifted from a ten to about a three and now she’s suddenly feeling like a jackass.

“No thanks.” She reaches back for Ali’s hand and Ali lets her, but when Ashlyn turns around and sees that more people have gathered in the kitchen because it’s getting closer and closer to midnight and everybody wants to fill up their champagne glasses, she pulls her hand back again.

This time, Ali is so hurt by the gesture that she gets up and leaves, accidentally knocking over her almost empty wine glass.

Luckily it doesn’t break.

“Ali, where are you going?” Ashlyn asks panicked, as she grabs the closest towel to clean up the spill. The warmth in her cheeks rises when she notices the amount of people staring.

“I don’t know. For a walk. I need air.”

“But it’s almost midnight.”

Ali doesn’t say anything though and just walks out and Ashlyn is in too much shock to run after her immediately.

\--

Several minutes later, Ashlyn finally settles down enough to collect her thoughts and look for Ali. She stands outside under the ominous glow of the street light while contemplating which way to go but then she remembers Ali doesn’t know her way around here and the only place she’s been to is the beach, which is only a five minute walk away.

Sure enough, as Ashlyn makes her way down the rickety boardwalk, she sees a tall figure with dark hair flapping softly in the wind silhouetted in the distance by the moon.

She stops when she’s about 20 feet behind her because she’s not sure what she’s supposed to say. She knows that their relationship has been strange and awkward for the past few days and she knows that she’s to blame for that. Ali has been nothing but patient and understanding and now the reality is slowly setting in that maybe she’s getting fed up. 

The thought makes Ashlyn queasy.

\--

Ali senses Ashlyn before she sees or hears her. The hairs on the back of her neck stand up as the wind blows the subtle scent of her shampoo in her direction and it reminds her of the first time they watched Grey’s Anatomy in Ashlyn’s bed. It was the first time they’d been in such close proximity that Ali could see all the pores in Ashlyn’s face and feel how the warmth of her body lit a fire in her own.

It was the first time she really knew she liked Ashlyn.

Ali turns around and is met with a very concerned looking Ashlyn but neither of them says anything for the longest time. By the redness and puffiness of Ali’s eyes, Ashlyn can tell that she’d been crying. She tries to say something but nothing comes out so Ali decides to help her out.

“Maybe you need to spend some time on your own. Away from me.”

She cringes as she hears the words come out of her own mouth. She means them, she thinks, but they sound hollow and lifeless when it registers in her ears.

“W-what?“

“You need to figure yourself out, Ashlyn. I keep pushing and pushing you and now it’s like you’re going backwards. Maybe you just need time on your own to figure things out.”

With every second that passes, Ashlyn’s heart gets tighter and begins to descend lower into her body until she can feel it hammering between her toes. She’d be lying if she said she never saw this coming. She squeezes her hands into balls by her side until her fingernails leave imprints in her palms.

“Ali, please…”

“Think of it as a learning experience.”

“Slow down for a minute. This is really what you _want?_ ”

“No, of course not. But I think it’s what you need.”

Ashlyn sighs half angrily, half dejected, completely confused. This isn’t a fight she’s willing to lose. She’s come too far to just let everything slip away.

“How could you possibly think this is what I _need?_ You know what I need? I need _you._ Don’t do this." 

It’s a desperate plea and she’s ready to beg on her knees if she has to.

“Well you haven’t been acting like it lately.”

Ali’s right and Ashlyn knows it so she remains silent.

“You know I love you, Ashlyn. I really do.”

She does know that but the words somehow manage to cut into her like dull, rusty razor blades. She tries to say something again but the back of her throat is too dry so instead she alternates between looking at Ali and down at her feet.

“Ashlyn?” 

“I don’t get it. Why are you trying to break up with me then?”

Ali takes a step back. She needs to distance herself because being so close is only making this harder. She regretted this idea the second in popped into her head days ago, but here she is, telling the one person she’s ever cared for and that has cared for her that they need to be apart.

The irony is almost comical but no one is laughing.

“Because you don’t love yourself and that’s painful for me. I know that’s selfish but I need you to love yourself in order for this to really work.”

Ashlyn stares past Ali, unable to meet her gaze. She didn’t think it was possible but the hurt of this situation is more intense than her granddad’s passing. It stings, like salt in an open wound and she’s afraid if she looks her in the eye for too long, she’ll cry – or maybe say something she regrets.

Her adrenaline is already being maxed out in this attempt to salvage their relationship, which despite its recent hiccups, was never actually headed down this path. Or at least that’s what Ashlyn had thought.

“You think I don’t love myself?”

Maybe Ali’s choice in words is wrong, but she knows that Ashlyn still has a long way to go in terms of finding and coming to terms herself.

“You can’t even hold my hand under the table.”

“Do you really think breaking up with me is going to help?”

“I—“

“Ali, just listen to me, okay?”

Ashlyn’s no good at making speeches but this is too crucial of a moment to not at least try. Her everything is on the line and she’s never felt the urge to fight so hard before. Nothing has ever been worth it; the uncertainty that exudes from Ali gives her all the more reason to try and convince her otherwise.

“Before I met you, I was in a really, really dark place. I didn’t have any friends and I cried all the time. I was _so_ un-fucking-happy. And then you, I don’t even know where the hell you came from but it was like as soon as I met you, everything got better.”

“Ash.” Ali quietly chokes out. Her name gets caught in the back of her throat and she feels like throwing up.

The way the moon glistens in Ali’s eyes tells Ashlyn that she’s trying to hold back more tears. She tentatively steps closer and when Ali doesn’t back away, she grips onto her forearms until they’re forced to make eye contact.

“In hindsight, I fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you. I _know_ you remember that day. The one and only time you’ve ever knocked on my door? I had literally just been crying moments before that, did you know that?”

Ali shakes her head slowly. 

“Well, I was. I was really sad.”

“Why?”

“Because my family had just left and I felt so alone. I still do sometimes…”

There’s no response from Ali. This time it’s her that looks away because the pain in Ashlyn’s eyes is too much for her to handle.

“…but then _you_ happened.”

Ali finally looks up. Her heart is torn; she knows exactly how far Ashlyn has come and she knows she’s the reason for it, but at the same time, the regression over the past few days has Ali questioning if her progress will ever continue to move forward.

The fact that she loves Ashlyn makes this the most difficult thing she’s ever had to do and she’s regretting it more and more.

“Look, I realize that this is my first relationship, but that’s all anyone really needs, right? That one person? I know I’m not as experienced as you, but I’m learning from you, and isn’t that all that matters?”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with your lack of experience. Everyone needs to start somewhere.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I hope I can cross the finish line with you too.”

Ali closes her eyes and exhales loudly. Ashlyn has never been so vocal or passionate about anything before, except maybe her love for Catcher in the Rye and it brings some light to the situation.

Ashlyn steps even closer until their hips are just barely touching and Ali can practically hear the way Ashlyn’s heart frantically beats over the sound of the waves crashing into the shore.

“Everything that I didn’t even know I wanted is right here. Yes, I know I still have issues and growing up to do, but I’m still searching; I’m searching for who I am and searching for who you want me to be…”

The mood changes and behind the moisture that spills from Ashlyn’s eyes, Ali sees something that she’s never seen before.

It’s hope and optimism.

“…but all of that is so much easier when you’re with me. Do you get that? You literally take all of my pain away and you make me forget that the world is sometimes a really shitty place. And I am so incredibly sorry for the way I have been acting lately. Things just got too real too quickly and I didn’t know how else to be. But please, Ali, don’t leave me. I couldn’t handle it if you did.”

Ali cups her hands around Ashlyn’s face, softly wiping away her tears.

This is exactly what she needed to hear. She needed to know that Ashlyn would start making an effort because she can’t keep holding her afloat forever. Most importantly, she needed to know that everything they’ve been through hasn’t been a waste of time or feelings.

“You need to promise me something then.”

“Anything. Anything you want.”

“I need you to look a little harder. I know that who you want to be is somewhere inside of you, you just need to find her. But it needs to be who _you_ want to be, and not who you think _I_ want you to be.”

They’re standing so close now that they’re sharing a single breath. Ashlyn closes her eyes and presses her forehead against Ali’s, listening to and feeling the way her voice slowly fills all the empty space in and around her.

“I only want you to be happy and that will only happen once you find yourself. Can you promise me that? That you’ll look harder?”

The stars begin to shine even brighter now and as Ali’s watch slowly ticks closer and closer to midnight, it signals a new day, a new year, and most importantly, a new beginning.

The overload of emotions combined with a mixture of alcohol and the ocean breeze do nothing except make Ashlyn tremble. Ali can feel it and see it so she places her hands over her chest and it beguiles Ashlyn that she always has the answers to everything. She places her hands over Ali’s and it’s just like this that she knows how much she really does love her; how much they love each other.

“I would do anything for you, Ali, you know that.”

\--

Far off at the other end of the beach, the roar of another New Years party gets louder and louder.

_Ten._

_Nine._

_Eight._

“So is that a promise, then?”

_Seven._

_Six._

“Yes, Ali, I promise to look a little harder.”

_Five._

_Four._

“I love you, Ashlyn.”

_Three._

_Two._

“I love _you,_ Ali.”

_One._

The kiss that follows is a special one. It holds the promise for better days to come and it holds the assurance that their love is too strong to be broken by anything. And in that kiss, it also holds the promise that Ashlyn made and it’s one that she’ll hold onto for as long as her heart is beating for Ali, which she hopes is forever. 


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die, and where you invest your love, you invest your life."  
> \- Mumford & Sons

Everyday is a challenge and new adventure. They both have their ups and downs; they may argue; and sometimes they just want to be alone; but in the end they always find their way back to each other.

The love they have for each other is a force to be reckoned with and it’s something that continues to grow stronger each and every day.

Four years has gone by in the blink of an eye and now Ashlyn and Ali sit in the living room of the house they share with Kelley and Alex while they all get ready for their graduation ceremony.

It’s hard sometimes, being in such close quarters, but they know its what they both want; and especially after the summer that Ali left for two months to go travelling in Europe with Kyle, it nearly broke Ashlyn.

After that, she vowed to herself to never let her go.

No matter what.

\--

“Wait here, I have something for you.” Ali says as she gets up and bounds around the corner to her bedroom. She comes back with a tiny little package wrapped in purple paper. 

“What’s this?” 

“Just open it.”

It’s a brand new copy of Catcher in the Rye. In it there are two post-it notes poking out; a blue one and a green one. Ashlyn looks quizzically at Ali.

“Your old one was about to give up on you any day and I didn’t want you to be without a copy so…”

“I – thanks Ali, this is more thoughtful than you know.”

Ali smiles. “I do know. I was looking through your old one though and re-read a passage that hadn’t been highlight so I took the liberty and highlighted it for you here. Look; the green one.”

The pages are thick and soft beneath Ashlyn’s fingers, unlike her granddad's copy; the smell of new book one of her favourite scents, besides Ali’s shampoo. She flips to the page and reads it silently in her head, and as she does, she can feel the heat of Ali’s gaze on her.

> _"Anyways, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around – nobody big, I mean – except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be. I know it’s crazy."_ _  
> _

Ashlyn closes the book and fans through the pages with her thumb. It’s been four years since they’ve actually talked about the book and she’s surprised that Ali even still thinks about it.

It _is_ just a book after all.

“What is it supposed to mean?”

“It means I want to catch you when you fall; I want to protect you when you’re not looking; I just want to always be there for you even if you don’t know I’m there. I want to be your catcher in the rye, Ashlyn.”

The depth of Ali’s words knows no bounds within Ashlyn’s body and soul and they whisper beneath her skin. They tell her it’s okay to show weakness at times because Ali will always be there to save her; they tell her that she doesn’t have to hide from herself anymore; and most importantly, they tell her that she’s no longer in pain.

She’s happy, she’s free, and she doesn't hate the girl that stares back at her when she looks into the mirror anymore.

“Ali – “

“Wait, there’s one more. Open the blue one.”

Ashlyn does and highlighted is a quote she has definitely seen before.

> _"Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do."_

And underneath it is another post-it note and written on it, it says,

> _You and me, one day, I promise.  
> _ _I love you.  
> _ - _Alexandra._

There are tears in Ashlyn’s eyes as she re-reads it multiple times just to make sure she’s not mistaken; and when she’s sure of it’s meaning, her heart sings louder than any chorus she’s ever heard. She knows that this is going to be a lifelong bond with Ali because this is where she’s invested love, and as a result, where she’s invested her life.

“Really?” Is all she manages to croak out.

Ali gets off the couch and kneels on the floor in between Ashlyn’s legs. She takes her hands into her own and stares into those light hazel eyes she loves so much and still to this day finds herself getting lost in.

They don’t have to say a word because their eyes say it all.

Ashlyn meets her half way and slants her lips across Ali’s, inviting her to kiss her back with every fibre of her being and brush away the tears that roll down her cheek with her thumbs. 

“Really.”


End file.
